To think this wedding is taking the piss a bit

[BraveLittleBird]

Second wedding, 100+ guests. I can’t get out of attending but AIBU to be annoyed about the following:

Remote venue which means either driving or paying for taxis. Some transport has been laid on but guests are being charged to use it

A honeymoon fund complete with bank details

A dress code request only shared 2 weeks before the day when most people will have bought outfits

There are other minor things but these have particularly annoyed me as the first two seem tight and grabby - you don’t invite people then expect them to pay and if you can afford a big do you should pay for your own bloody holiday. The third is just thoughtless and sums up the ‘all about them never mind their guests’ attitude.

I’m sure there are worse bride/groomzillas out there but AIBU to find this a bit of a piss take when we’re already spending several hundred on accommodation as we don’t live nearby.

@EvieBB There really are some awful posts on this thread! I think a honeymoon fund is great. Who wants wasted gifts! I got removed by MN in a previous incarnation by daring to suggest some brides would not like tacky horseshoes and vast amounts of confetti either! Some things are dying a death!

The etiquette around gift giving is long overdue a major update. Between concerns around consumerism and the environment and the amount of horrible cheap tat that's readily available it doesn't work.

Absolutely!

Wedding venues in my experience are fairly remote. People are generally chosing somewhere pretty and they tend to be a bit out of the way. It isn't always possible to lay on transport as guests will often be staying all over the place. But I do agree that if they have laid a bus on then they should pay for it!

I think most people want money rather than gifts for a wedding. And as much as you say you don't want gifts, people won't listen. They want to get gifts!

The last minute dress code can fuck off, I agree. A broad, or optional theme is ok. But i don't think its ok to try and dictate what people wear. I'd just ignore it and wear what you planned.

I don't see an issue with asking for honeymoon money instead of gifts. At one time, having a registry for gifts was seen as tacky, and it must have been slightly frustrating getting things you didn't want, knowing people had wasted their time and money. Giving money is quick and easy, and if you know them well and have a personal gift in mind, you could do both (but the issue about it being unwanted is still there).
By remote venue, if it's just far away that's one thing, if it's not accessible, that seems a bit thoughtless if there's a guest with disabilities.
The dress code-just no. The 2 weeks thing makes it worse, but anyway it's rude to tell people to wear a uniform.

@meganorks I think many younger people would never dream of buying a gift. They always put money into what the couple ask for. It’s probably older people who waste their money. A few did at our wedding. I just sent stuff to
the jumble sale - these days it would be the charity shop. This meant I didn’t get what I wanted because people simply could not be bothered. You say thanks through gritted teeth!

Every wedding I’ve been to in a remote location has laid on transport to the nearest centre of population. At no cost. I’ve certainly never been charged for a bus from the church to the reception either. Most weddings I’ve been to were in cities because that’s where we all lived.

The honeymoon fund thing I’m not massively bothered by. I like the idea of contributing to experiences, so it’s fine by me. And I say that as someone who did get pots, pans and towels for wedding presents as we had just bought our first home.

Dress code thing can get in the sea. I’ve only ever known 2 occasions where someone wore something a bit unfitting for a wedding. Not sure a code would have helped them because they were so unaware generally so would have either ignored it or not understood it.

@SusanChurchouse Does it not matter to you, in terms of dress code, that some venues are way more glamorous than a pub or a yurt? Different venues tend to lean towards different dress styles. Wear whatever to a pub but a beautiful suite of rooms in a grade 1 building is slightly different surely?

And as someone else already pointed out most people will make clothing decisions based partially on the venue. They still don't need to be patronised and told what to wear to be suitable.

Besides which if someone is still happier wearing an evening gown in a pub garden or a summer garden party dress in a palace that's still fine. It really doesn't impact the enjoyment of the wedding for the couple if not all the guests are dressed the same. Not unless that couple have very skewed priorities.

This ⬆️

Pretentious - attempting to impress by affecting greater importance or merit than is actually possessed.
Thinking that somehow you are better than everyone else because of earnings.
I have several family members who are doctors but they don't think they are better than anybody else and are the most down to earth people I know.

We can afford “more”because of earnings! Doesn’t everyone tailor spend to money available? Obviously some might be earning next to nothing and others have millions. Why would anyone expect their weddings to be identical? It makes no sense.

Nothing to do with impressing others! They are all pretty similar people who are invited so it’s not about an attempt to impress. Quite a few are significantly richer and had multiple wedding venues and celebrations. Different cultures see things differently. Hindu weddings often have 1000 people attending! Are they not down to earth decent people then? Or would you call them pretentious? Somewhat intolerant.

As for MN - different socio economic groups on here but, it’s a conversation. However I can see jealousy, nastiness, intolerance and rather stupid sniping comments about what hosts should and should not do. I am lucky - I don’t have to put up with such rubbish from anyone and such accusations in real life and neither does dc because we are actually pleasant and fun people. I have no interest in your family members. I rather suspect they don’t earn that much so why bring their humble tendencies into it? Good for them but we aren’t all identical are we?

YABU

Just because it’s a second wedding doesn’t mean they can’t give a gift suggestion.
Who goes to a wedding empty handed? Is it acceptable to not get her a present for her sixtieth birthday party just because you went to her fiftieth?? What you are saying makes no sense.
You sound so negative about the entire thing, just don’t go and save your resentment for a more worthy cause.
Is the outfit you originally bought in line with the dress code? If it is then you have nothing to complain about on that front, you’re just looking for more things to moan about.

You don't sound very pleasant or fun. I'm not interested in your family members either! You have no idea how much we earn or how much family money we have. However I'm certainly not a pretentious snob like you. Go away. I shall not be opening any more posts so don't bother replying

Neither do you! Very judgemental!

isn’t it interesting how different views of marriage are pretentious or snobbish! What a load of intolerant people on mn who cannot accept we aren’t all the same. I just checked the “real weddings” tab on the brand that’s making DDs wedding dress. The vast majority are black tie.

Yes, the weird sixth form prom/watched too many American TV shows look does seem to be spreading.

Just because it's becoming more common, (in both senses of the word), still doesn't make it ok for anyone to demand their guests adhere to it and judge anyone who doesn't by shunning them to the side of the room when dining as you said you would. That's still really horrible behaviour and a really unpleasant attitude.

I think the difference is most people dont shout about it at every opportunity - I've been careful to keep my posts fairly vague but we know all sorts of details about your DDs big day and the thread wasn't even about that!

Remote wedding venues are a bloody tiresome pain in the arse.

@BraveLittleBird That’s only because people, and you, have been so critical and miserable about the weddings you are invited to! I’ve put an alternative view and are called names etc. You don’t like the idea of the wedding you’ve been invited to, so why are you going? You’ve been rude about the hosts and come across as if it’s all too much trouble for you to attend a second wedding! I’m describing how many people DD knows do things very differently, and we don’t expect miserable people like you to be a black cloud over the day! Basically it’s about manners.

I didn't start it!

Agreed!

I.went to my cousins wedding in a London hotel . A good proportion of guests invited from his friends in the music industry. Not naming the band but they are a well known guitar band with a cult following.
Plenty of money spent at that wedding but anyone that turned up in a typical floral/ smart wedding guest dress would felt a bit out of place. Those in statement dresses looked good as did those that matched the leather/ gothic band aesthetic,

@EvieBB You actually know next to nothing! You might think you do but you don’t! General talk about style and type of venue is no detail at all. I responded to the OP’s miserable view of her friends wedding and put an alternative view. How intolerant is mn?