To think this wedding is taking the piss a bit

[BraveLittleBird]

Second wedding, 100+ guests. I can’t get out of attending but AIBU to be annoyed about the following:

Remote venue which means either driving or paying for taxis. Some transport has been laid on but guests are being charged to use it

A honeymoon fund complete with bank details

A dress code request only shared 2 weeks before the day when most people will have bought outfits

There are other minor things but these have particularly annoyed me as the first two seem tight and grabby - you don’t invite people then expect them to pay and if you can afford a big do you should pay for your own bloody holiday. The third is just thoughtless and sums up the ‘all about them never mind their guests’ attitude.

I’m sure there are worse bride/groomzillas out there but AIBU to find this a bit of a piss take when we’re already spending several hundred on accommodation as we don’t live nearby.

But presumably it’s an optional bus. I put one on for my wedding and didn’t charge for it and it didn’t occur to me to but don’t particularly see anything wrong in doing so. I am guessing you can choose a taxi instead but the transport they put on will be cheaper

It is your own travel though. Like many of us have said, even if it was in a town centre you’d probably have to get a taxi and they wouldn’t pay for that.

And nearly all invitations are the same; they are happy for their guests just to be there. But unless you actively don't want presents and say that specifically then not giving people a steer as to what you want is just unhelpful.

If you don't mind gifts and accept that most people will want to buy you something then insisting on not saying anything and making your guests do the work of guessing isn't polite, it's just giving them more admin.

I see quite a big difference in buying something glamorous and buying a summer dress. With my lifestyle the glamorous dress would be far less likely to be worn again than a summer dress. It's a shame to spend a lot of money on a dress that won't be worn again.

However black tie weddings aren't common where I live (yet?) so the situation is unlikely to arise.

Nailed it… you’re clearly jealous. Just don't go, but let’s be honest—you will. Curiosity always gets the better of you, and you’ll end up having a moan to anyone who’ll listen, hoping they’ll share the same negative view. Do the bride and groom a favour, save your money and stay home... You don't HAVE to go anywhere!!

@Htcunya
That’s you though. Many people have the clothes and attend this sort of event fairly regularly. And why is a wedding paid for by others about your lifestyle? If you were invited to a ball, would you say no, Im wearing my cotton frock? As @Retro12 says, do us all a favour and don’t go! Weddings are not obligatory!

@MeetMeOnTheCorner There is actually a proven link between the cost of a wedding and divorce rates. A cheaper wedding is associated with a lower likelihood of divorce, while those who spend lavishly were more likely to divorce later on.

Wind your neck in a bit.

I had a cousin do the same thing for her second wedding. We've always been friendly (and still are!), but the wedding was a pain in the behind.
It was in the arse end of nowhere, up a mountain no less. A 4-hour drive from mine, with a necessary hotel stay, or an even longer train journey with multiple changes.
I ended up plumping for the train journey, but when I rolled back into my local railway station at almost midnight, with work the next morning, I wasn't filled with charitable feeling towards the happy couple.

@CheeryOchreCatNo, there’s a correlation and correlation is not causation. There is no ‘proven link’.

What’s the issue with the dress code ?

cash is normal for second marriage. Or even first. Many would moan at having to get cash so bacs is fine as well for a gift

travel. Rare for b&g to pay for your travel

I don’t think I implied that an expensive wedding is the reason for divorce? Simply that a link between an expensive wedding and an increased likelihood of divorce has been established. Contra the poster who said an expensive wedding has no impact on the subsequent marriage. The same study also found that people who rated their partners’ looks as very important to their relationship also reported higher levels of divorce. I think both things are potentially suggestive of underlying dynamics within a relationship that may contribute to higher divorce rates.

I think it's cheeky to ask for money before someone has asked you what you'd like for a gift. The dress code thing can just be disregarded as it was sent too late.

The rest I don't see as an issue. Why shouldn't they have 100+ people just because it's their second wedding. And the venue is drivable so that's ok isn't it...

The thing is, nobody wants 100 people contacting them individually to ask what they want as a gift. Much easier to say upfront that you don’t mind if you get gifts or not, but if somebody wants to get you something you’d rather have cash than an object, especially when it is a second marriage and you presumably have a full complement of toasters, towels and knickknacks.

There are always people on here who claim they always ignore instructions and buy the couple a “thoughtful, well-chosen” knickknack, and the happy couple are always ecstatic (or more likely polite and good at acting). But if everyone did that, you’d have 100 random knickknacks and most people really do not have the space for it. Cash is generally better for most people.

I can understand not having a gift list in the past when the wedding guests were more likely people that lived close knit. You probably worked it out amongst yourselves, "you buy the butter churn and I'll buy the mangle" but that's never going to work with a typical modern guestlist. Obviously no one wants to field the same question again and again so you save everyone's time and state your preference on the invitation.

Bit strong but can’t help but agree that black tie before 6pm is gauche and gives the opposite impression to what is probably intended.

So is it a black tie wedding. I couldn’t see that op had confirmed

just it was similar to a black /gold

You seem to be very reluctant to actually tell us what they said in their dress code request, but as you say that it’s similar to what @ragandbonewoman suggested, which was, ‘The venue have said that due to the terrain outside stiletto heels may not be suitable…’ Then that’s hardly a particular hardship and while potentially slightly irritating it’s also quite easy to understand that they have only discovered this relatively late from the venue. Historic venues often have rather strict rules in place to protect their buildings - no stilettos, no red wine except at tables, etc. - very sensible precautions.

Unreasonable last minute dress codes would have been asking guests to wear dinner dress or fancy dress or come in a particular colour scheme.

If it is something like ‘no stilettos please’ then you are being very unreasonable, and, like your other points and subsequent posts it just makes you sound rather bitter and like you don’t like them very much or want to go.

I’m pretty sure they don’t want someone there who doesn’t want to he there and will probably show it in expression at least if not words. Just don’t go.

And can we please also stop calling it a second wedding?! Unless they are actually re-marrying then this is their wedding. That’s it, no need for the second bit. This vitriol certain people seem to throw at divorced or widowed people marrying other people is just petty and cruel. Stop shitting on other people’s joy and instead go out there and try and find some of your own. Life is too short to sit about resenting other people’s happiness and missing out on your own. My mother spent most of her life doing it. By the end she had alienated everyone she’d ever known.

I think my other problem with black tie weddings is also that it’s rarely done well.

Too often you suspect that the guests think they look like they’re at the oscars or in some Bond film but the reality is just a mess. Backless dresses with bras on show, the younger men often in badly fitting and badly cut hire suits (sometimes now in hideous colours), and bad shoes (polish them boys!!!), and the older men in something several decades old that now looks like it’s about to pop at any moment.

As a previous poster said they often look like they’re going to a school prom (yeuk on so many levels).

If you must do black tie then do it well or not at all.

@Chocolattecoffeecup It’s been normal to have info about an optional present list for decades! I’m not sure when you last went to a wedding but most invitations suggest a what the couple would appreciate and always say it’s optional! John Lewis had a wedding list section decades ago. You went around the shop and chose what you wanted and it went on the list. Many couples did this. I can see why more mature couples don’t.

This thread is full of miserable people who don’t like others with more money. As if the charity sector does not do huge fund raisers begging for money!

You do you. I think it's rude to ask for cash and I'd rather answer everyone who cares enough to ask what I'd like for a gift rather than be so presumptuous and crass as to just send them my bank details. It's not really that hard answering those people who ask (which won't be everyone) over a period of months and by the way 100+ guests probably won't be giving 100+ separate gifts as many of them will be in couples or families.

Not the circles I move in. My family and friends mostly give cash. Those with gift lists share upon someone asking what they'd like. A gift list is fine but, again, I'd only send one if asked. I don't see what wanting others to have money has to do with it.

Think a honeymoon fund with bank details is a good idea. Recently contributed to one myself. Many couples have got all the basics for a home now so often don't have a wedding gift list. Being able to contribute to their first holiday as a married couple is a good thing, surely? And sometimes weddings are in remote venues. The day isn't to accommodate you - but the happy couple. You say, you can't get out of it, so does that mean you're a key member of the wedding party like maid of honour or bridesmaid? Otherwise, you can get out of it if it worries you that much. Got to vote YABU on this one.

To be fair with black tie there are also etiquette rules on what what constitute a black tie event. It would be rude for me to invite people to my home and insist on them dressing black tie when it's just disco music on Alexa and me handing out crisps and beers.

We had a honeymoon fund, but it was in lieu of wedding presents as I didn't want or need 20 toasters!!! Neither was it obligatory!!!
Ive been to loads of weddings that had a honeymoon fund and found it much easier than trying to fathom what to buy them....
Would you say that people who have a wedding present list are equally grabby or tightfisted?!!
Get a grip!