To think this wedding is taking the piss a bit

[BraveLittleBird]

Second wedding, 100+ guests. I can’t get out of attending but AIBU to be annoyed about the following:

Remote venue which means either driving or paying for taxis. Some transport has been laid on but guests are being charged to use it

A honeymoon fund complete with bank details

A dress code request only shared 2 weeks before the day when most people will have bought outfits

There are other minor things but these have particularly annoyed me as the first two seem tight and grabby - you don’t invite people then expect them to pay and if you can afford a big do you should pay for your own bloody holiday. The third is just thoughtless and sums up the ‘all about them never mind their guests’ attitude.

I’m sure there are worse bride/groomzillas out there but AIBU to find this a bit of a piss take when we’re already spending several hundred on accommodation as we don’t live nearby.

The one wedding I've been to where there was a dress code, we just ignored it and were going to say, 'oh we thought that was just for day guests for your photo's' if anybody commented. No way I was going out to buy another outfit, especially as we were only evening guests. When we got there, loads of other people, day guests included, had also ignored it. That's my only experience of dress codes, so it's made me wonder if that's common for a lot of guests to just ignore it anyway? Or do I just have a particularly bolshy family who ignore this kind of nonsense?

@TeethAreImportantwhat had they asked people to wear? Lol, I am curious.

A particular colour.

What colour? Any shade?

@TeethAreImportant As I said earlier, my DD has been to 40 weddings! No people don’t disregard it but not all weddings have a dress code. The ones that do reflect the bride and groom and often the venue. DD has a black tie dress code and, early discussions indicate her friends are going all out! It’s a very opulent venue build for a Duke in the early 1700s. It has hosted the most glamorous events in its history. Dressing down would be at odds with the venue. The invitations and details reflect this.

We have very low numbers of bolshy friends and DD says everyone she knows already own suitable evening wear. I suspect the odd few of known “can’t be bothered” types will be shoved on an out of the way table! Well at the end of a long one! I anticipate hardly anyone though.

I think who your friends are, what they are used to and lifestyle come into play. Don’t do black tie if your friends and family have to ask what it is! If most people prefer a knees up at the pub in jeans, they won’t dress up for a Ducal Palace! They won’t have gone to balls and formal events and won’t have the clothes. If your friends have a different lifestyle in the main, black tie is ok. Horses for courses!

Someone wore jeans and trainers to mine. My mum was a bit sniffy but excused it on the basis she was foreign. Nobody else gave a shit. Everyone else wore normal snart wedding clothes.

Yes, it really doesn't matter. I'm sure you had a great day anyway.

I suspect the odd few of known “can’t be bothered” types will be shoved on an out of the way table! Well at the end of a long one
I'm flabbergasted you are still proudly stating this horrible attitude on another thread. You really think people who wear suitable wedding clothes but aren't actually black tie should be punished by being physically shunned? And you don't think it's completely vile and shallow to care so much more about the aesthetic than the actual event and the people in it?

You can have a happy and enjoyable day and evening whatever the dress code! Most people understand about pleasing the couple hosting - not purely themselves. By the way, lots of couples have editorial photos now and not hosts of big group photos. These are taken prior to the ceremony in private. Sometimes getting ready, using the venue when empty and maybe outside. Big line ups with Aunty Mabel have disappeared. So anyone who isn’t part of the immediate wedding party isn’t part of the photo session. Cuts out the problem guests.

There are no problem guests in your scenario. Just problem hosts with a really unpleasant attitude.

I think honeymoon fund is fine for older/2nd marriages or where people already lived together, as long as there is no expectation on the amount of donation.
I also expect there to be cost to myself for travel/hotel.
But a dress code should have been included on the invite or not at all!

I went to a summer wedding where guests were asked to wear pastels, and I have to say it made for a lovely cheerful sight! There was no formal dress code i.e gowns or cocktail dresses, so it was affordable and achievable for everyone but lovely to see how everyone interpreted the 'brief'. The guests were like a sea of flowers, the photos all made sense and everyone felt included in the wedding regardless of their connection to bride and groom

I have two say as much as I'm not massively looking forward to this I'm glad I'm not going to your DD's @MeetMeOnTheCorner, it all sounds a bit snobbish and pretentious for me.

If you don't own the opulent venue, it's all a bit fur coat and no knickers. Hanging coat tails on a lifestyle that never has been and never will be yours. It represents all that is distasteful about modern weddings.

"The photos all made sense" 🤔
I've never seen wedding pictures which didn't make sense. They're a record of a special day and a happy occasion. So what if they're not perfect, or someone's hair is a bit of a mess or they can't afford anything new?
Does it matter?
It's a summer wedding, most people would wear pastels, but if they chose not to, if they're a loved one or a friend and they turned up to celebrate in bright green, why would it matter?

I think it's a shame that the priority has, for some people, gone from a wedding being a happy, enjoyable day, to an opportunity for curating what imagery looks best on photos and social media.

Loads of people ask for money towards a honeymoon as a gift these days, it's not really any different to a gift list and if you partake, and the amount you spend, is obviously optional. It stops them getting a pile of picture frames they don't want! You always take a gift, so why not something they actually want?

And you can't moan about the location, it's their wedding, their choice. You say you have to go, but you don't. The groom and the bride are the only 2 who have go go. Personally if you are so against (unreasonably in my opinion) their wedding, don't go. I wouldn't want someone who didn't want to be there there.

The only thing that is a big off is asking for a dress code now not with the invitations.

50% of marriages end in divorce, so this glamorous wedding of your DDs could be a complete waste of time anyway.

@DietCoke247 What a joy you are. DD is a divorce barrister. Where do you think some of the money is coming from? Her high earnings! There’s no correlation between type of wedding and divorce though!

We went to a wedding that was in a similar sort of location - had to stay over or taxi was mega bucks getting there and back (we checked - quotes were around £180 return) Also during a weekday so we each booked 2 days off work, organised kennels and childcare….

Bride is a very good friend of 30 years - said on invites that there is no gift register, your presence is enough of a gift etc so we stumped up the almost £300 it was to stay over and we just brought a card and a bottle of champagne. We had also spent £250 on kennels and babysitters

On the day bride went to all tables/guests with a QR code to donate to their honeymoon fund!!! Super awkward as we just weren’t expecting it and had we known this would happen, I would have driven instead because we were at the point where we couldn’t afford to give anything

Please don’t go if you resent the couple this much

I would be responding to the dress code request and simply saying you’ve already bought outfits so will have to wear that as planned, as no time or money to search for another. End of.
i presume you’d have bought them a gift? Just put into the honeymoon fund whatever you were willing to spend on a gift… if you weren’t planning to buy them a gift then just don’t pay into it!
As for transport… the bride and groom have already paid a fortune to marry, why would they pay for everyone’s transport?… it always amazes me that wedding guests are so entitled… wherever the wedding was it would be inconvenient to someone. This isn’t a piss up, it’s a wedding…. So just don’t drink and instead drive!

it’s the height of rudeness to invite someone to an event then expect them to pay.

“Height of rudeness” seems a bit dramatic. I think it’s really normal nowadays to pay for your own transport/accommodation to a wedding.

The rural location is fine and the honeymoon fund is fine. The dress code two weeks before is off though.

The first two are completely normal. They don’t want a bunch of crap they can’t use. They’ve organised a transport option which is kind and likely saves people money. As a wedding guest were you expecting to be collected from your home and brought to the venue?! The dress code probably came out late because the bride suddenly got wind of some really inappropriate choices people were making. Not wanting people showing up in tracksuits is a perfectly appropriate ask.

I had no intention of buying them a toaster, a picture frame or any other unwanted 'tat'. I just think it's grabby to request anything at a second wedding - they're not kids just starting out but 2 adults with decent careers.

If it was me I'd see the time and effort people were putting in to celebrate with me as a gift - I wouldn't want more 'stuff' either but if people insisted I'd probably go for a charity donation, not because I’m so worthy but just because asking for anything else would make me really uncomfortable.