To think this wedding is taking the piss a bit

[BraveLittleBird]

Second wedding, 100+ guests. I can’t get out of attending but AIBU to be annoyed about the following:

Remote venue which means either driving or paying for taxis. Some transport has been laid on but guests are being charged to use it

A honeymoon fund complete with bank details

A dress code request only shared 2 weeks before the day when most people will have bought outfits

There are other minor things but these have particularly annoyed me as the first two seem tight and grabby - you don’t invite people then expect them to pay and if you can afford a big do you should pay for your own bloody holiday. The third is just thoughtless and sums up the ‘all about them never mind their guests’ attitude.

I’m sure there are worse bride/groomzillas out there but AIBU to find this a bit of a piss take when we’re already spending several hundred on accommodation as we don’t live nearby.

Lots of people like to buy stuff though or give a donation. I didn't want any gifts for our wedding but DH wanted to give people options because some people are uncomfortable with giving nothing or a charity gift. So we said (with no cheesy poem!) something along the lines of no gift needed but if you want to donate to a charity here's a link to a page and if you really want to get something for us John Lewis vouchers would be great.

In the end we got about equal amounts donated to the charity page and in vouchers so people really do like to buy something. And letting people know they would like money to use on their honeymoon is no different to vouchers or a traditional registered list or anything really. It just makes it convenient for the guests and I absolutely see it as helpful and not in the least bit grabby.

Omg, how unbelievably crass. Fancy spending your wedding day going table to table with your begging bowl QR code rather than just enjoying your day? I feel like I need a lie down for the level of second hand cringe I'm experiencing from this post.

@BraveLittleBird It’s not grabby to suggest what the couple would like IF you want to give! They simply don’t want more “stuff”. It’s far better to suggest something useful that they would value. It’s perfectly ok.

That is shocking 😳. She has some confidence to think that anyone would want to bother with her after this outrageous behaviour. What an f-ing idiot.

I sympathise, it's not your problem that they've chosen a remote place to marry and sounds cheeky to not help guests attend by putting on transport. I think asking for money is more normalised for gifts nowadays not sure about providing bank details ... They can do one with the late dress code, not reasonable to drop that at short notice and I wouldn't follow it. I can raise you, I had to attend a wedding abroad, I know that guests were invited but not their young children (as in babies and toddlers). Most of the grandparents were also invited so couldn't provide child care... I was advised by the MIL that the bride didn't want high chairs in the wedding breakfast pictures.

What a horrible thing to say!

When I married I’d had my own house for 8 years, I didn’t want anything as already had appliances, towels etc…
we put out a polite note with the invite saying that them sharing our day with us was the biggest gift they could give us, but if they wanted to gift us something we would appreciate spending money so we can do some extra day trips on honeymoon. I’d be devastated to think people thought it was grabby!
we got married in a location where people could either book a B&B or drive home! I think some guests organised a minibus off their own backs and kids shared the cost of that! Frankly I was busy enough with arrangements to be worrying about every single guests transports needs!….

You don't need to do anything though you can actually decline or pull out due to your principles,

@BraveLittleBirdWell, should you get married again then you can do what makes you comfortable. You’re taking a whole lot of offence at someone doing it differently to you and not exactly matching your expectations. Lots of people including me would be fine with contributing to a honeymoon. It’s meant to be a gift to them. If they don’t specify what they want or they specify a charity lots of people would show up with random ‘gifts’. Is this a sibling wedding? You say you’re single so it’s not in-laws.

I don’t see the significance of it being a second marriage either.. a second marriage is no less important than the first, if they can afford a big fancy wedding then fair enough.
I mean you could argue why get married at all these days, it’s not necessary and with less people being religious, you could argue the whole thing is a waste of money!

Honeymoon fund is fine. If you were going to buy a gift, contribute to that instead. If you already bought the gift, just give them it. If you weren’t planning to buy a gift, don’t contribute to the fund either. Remote venue seems relatively standard. Lots of castles and the like will be remote. Just thank your lucky stars it isn’t abroad. Dress code, just ignore if you already have an outfit sorted and if anyone asks say you’d already bought the dress you’re in.

I agree with you. If guests need transport the B&G should put a coach on and consider it part of the wedding costs. If they already have all the household stuff they need it’s a straightforward no presents message. When we got married a couple of people pressed us about gifts and wanting to mark the occasion so we said if you really want to get something a rose would be lovely.

Other than the dress code I think the bride and groom have organised this very well , it makes everything easy for their guests , i think most would never attend a wedding without giving a gift even if asked not to ( the bride and groom will know this )
you have the choice whether to contribute or not

Are you aware of how you try and drip wealth into most of your comments? It’s a bit crass really!

It was a fitting reply to a horrible post.

That’s awful, upmarket begging

I am glad that you are proud of your daughter but you should try to show it in a less smug way

The dress code is from the venue. It will be something like “no high heels due to delicate flooring” or “we have no heating at the castle, please bring something warm”.

You put it really well and didn’t assume with the honeymoon fund it was optional and nicely worded.

I find it strange too, can understand if it’s local to the brides family, but to select somewhere grand and far away that has no sentimental connection seems strange.

Pretentiousness is not a good look!

I don't think there's anything weird about a more opulent venue. You pay for the use of the venue in a standard contract, that's very normal for weddings and parties. It's not like you're sneaking in and pretending to your guests that you own it.

In my experience the advantage of a fancy venue is that they do more of the organising of the day. If you go down the church hall route you've got to arrange your own catering and clean up. Neither are the wrong options but there's no shame in having a preference for how much you want to outsource.

I wouldn’t go to a wedding with a dress code, even with a years notice, it’s a ridiculous new trend.

Um wedding dress codes started in the 1800s. And I’m in my fifties and always been to weddings with them, it’s certainly not a new thing.

You've always been to weddings with dress codes stipulated on the invitation?
Also in the 1800s, and until quite recently, people just wore their best clothes to weddings, even the bride.
Queen Victoria popularised wearing a white dress.