To think this wedding is taking the piss a bit

[BraveLittleBird]

Second wedding, 100+ guests. I can’t get out of attending but AIBU to be annoyed about the following:

Remote venue which means either driving or paying for taxis. Some transport has been laid on but guests are being charged to use it

A honeymoon fund complete with bank details

A dress code request only shared 2 weeks before the day when most people will have bought outfits

There are other minor things but these have particularly annoyed me as the first two seem tight and grabby - you don’t invite people then expect them to pay and if you can afford a big do you should pay for your own bloody holiday. The third is just thoughtless and sums up the ‘all about them never mind their guests’ attitude.

I’m sure there are worse bride/groomzillas out there but AIBU to find this a bit of a piss take when we’re already spending several hundred on accommodation as we don’t live nearby.

@Overthehillmum63 We’d probably enjoy saving the money at the reception - your non presence would be a joy. Not that you would be invited in the first place. Who wants this type of meanness at a wedding?

@EvieBB Pretentious? Do you know the meaning of that? No, we aren’t pretending to be anything! Good earnings mean more choices don’t they? Same in every family I know. You choose according to what you can afford and DD is self employed and earns a lot. What she spends it on is up to her. Like everyone else.

I've been to about 25 weddings. One asked people not to wear red as bridesmaids were. One asked people to, if they wanted, change to black tie for the evening. None of the others mentioned anything.

Mostly very traditional church + nice hotel/country house affairs.

We didn't mention a dress code because none of our friends are so incompetent they don't know how to get dressed.

@KnitNot Are you aware nearly everyone else is pretty nasty about the choices of others? I’ve never ever seen so many miserable mean posts! Full of won’t do this, won’t pay, won’t go! I’m delighted I don’t have to deal with people like this. I’m putting forward an alternative view that we aren’t all like this and many people do use lovely venues and have a good time at them! They exist for this purpose. Live and let live!

I get it op.

Dress code thing i’d be pissed off as i have difficulty getting things to fit me as it is, and would have definitely bought something earlier. I would have texted them and said sorry but i already have my outfit.

I personally chose a venue easy to get to. The last wedding I went to that was in the middle of nowhere just meant people were annoyed as they couldn’t drink, as they had to drive. Many people just ended up leaving early.

The last remote wedding I attended didn’t have any accommodation nearby and the cheapest quote from a taxi for midnight pick up was £100. So i think guests do have the right to be annoyed sometimes.

Sixty three years of age here, been to dozens of weddings over my lifetime, never once had a dress code.

Same here. Not once.

You are coming across as a bit ‘Hyacinth Bucket’ on this thread. I am imaging her voice saying, ‘My daughter the divorce barrister, is getting married in a Ducal Palace’!

Of course people can have the weddings they want and can fund. I am lucky enough to be in a privileged demographic, with friends and family who are City accountancy firm partners, work in Magic Circle law firms, and who have chambers in Lincoln’s Inn etc. They don’t talk like you do though.

YABVU and judgemental about second weddings.

YANBU about the rest.

But if you've accepted the invitation you presumably wanted to go so go and have a great time and stop finding reasons to moan.

When we got married decades ago, we were living in London, as were many of our friends. We got married where I was brought up, 90 miles away. As was pretty normal. Many of our London friends hired a coach and I gather had a good time on the way and on the way home.

It was very usual to book an hotel for a wedding and to make a weekend of it with guests. It was also usual for hosts to book a mini bus back to town of the wedding was in the sticks.

Agree that dress codes aren't a new thing. Black tie and white tie dress codes are nothing new and venues dictating dress codes isn't a new social media thing either. Ok the wear/don't wear a colour just for aesthetics isn't traditional, I'm no fan of that, but there's nothing new about a venue having it's own rules.

@KnitNot But her friends and everyone else knows her job and the venue! No one is having kittens over any of it! I only mentioned her being a divorce barrister because some nasty person thought spending money on a wedding would lead to her being divorced! I had not said a word earlier about her job! So where have all your acquaintances got married then? In a pub? I bet not! DD went to a wedding recently in SA where two London city solicitors paid for a safari, a glam wedding and 5 days of events! Don’t tell
me people on huge salaries don’t spend money on weddings! Have you not been to any?

Clearly wedding venues exist to be booked! We had a few choices and all were built by the wealthiest of the wealthy. I frankly don’t care what MN thinks but many of us do have options and other opinions! As I said - live and let live. No one much is kind about weddings in this thread. They are just full of jealousy, complaints and what they want as a guest. Thank god they don't exist in my life!

Well yes i think it’s still quite normal to book a hotel for weddings, but my point is that the remote one i went to didn’t have any nearby at all and it was very expensive to get back to a hotel if you weren’t driving.

@Iocanepowder Yes, that’s why there are coaches provided. Charging isn’t on but they should be available for guests and go to the hotels. People like a drink too!

I’m not sure there’s ever been a wedding ever that hasn’t included someone (or many people) grumbling. Everyone seems to have certain expectations and strong opinions, some valid, some less so and even the valid ones often competing with equally valid opinions that are totally opposite! For instance, a child free wedding is absolutely fine, but complaining when people have to send apologies isn’t.

15 years later and I still rather wish we’d eloped!

In terms of your points I think they’re very valid though at the same time possibly being a little unfair.

Venue - yes it’s a bit of a faff, but presumably a venue they love and the majority will drive / stay there. Would it have been nice for them to fund the transport? Yes, but even the simplest of weddings seem to cost a bomb.
We did ours in a village hall near to where we lived. Bit of a faff but meant we could do it ourselves and having families across various countries and counties it seemed best to do it somewhere in the middle (where we lived). I imagine lots complained but not sure where would have been better. Yes, people had to pay to travel there and we were incredibly touched that they did, besides they get food and drink and entertainment so sharing a £20 taxi back to the station is hardly a hardship.
It’s their day, if it’s too difficult/ expensive to go then don’t. At least they didn’t go abroad!

Money for a honeymoon. Pretty standard nowadays. And usually these things are worded along the lines of, ‘your company is present enough, bug if you do want to…’
Was that what this said? Either way, gifts are never a requirement.

Dress Code. Can’t really comment without more detail on what they asked for. How beyond the usual was it? If fancy dress then yes that’s awful (on every level) but you don’t need to feel obligated to follow that. If black tie (an awful American thing that’s come over here) then absolutely that was rather late; doubt it was morning dress as that’s usually just close family/ friends and only effects the men.
It is was the usual suits/ dresses or Smart Casual or something then that’s hardly going to force people to change their outfits.
Again, if something like ‘a touch if glamour’ or ‘summer time’, then it’s just asking for a splash of colour or a feather or two or something.

But really, as others have said, your post makes it sound like you really don’t want to go and don’t massively like these people. So I’d say don’t go. No one wants someone bad mouthing their wedding and looking like a slapped fish on their special day. So either suck it up and be pleased for them on the day or send your excuses.

I don't know what's normal in other places or cultures but I've never been to or heard of a wedding that includes free transport for the guests. You get the location on the invitation, surely that's when you make the decision as to whether it's feasible for you to manage travel there.

I also don’t understand this thing (seems to be rather peculiar to Mumsnet) that seems to abhor the idea of buying people presents when it’s a ‘second wedding’. Why?

I’ve been to many second weddings and I’ve always given something. It’s a celebration. It’s a bit like being invited to someone’s for dinner and saying, ‘I didn’t bring a bottle as I brought one last time I came for dinner’.

I suspect it comes from the anti-divorce brigade. But it makes no sense. What are the arguments? ‘They’re older now so will have tons of money’. Nonsense, most divorced or widowed people I know are struggling.

Besides, most of the ‘second’ weddings I’ve been to are also first weddings for one of the party.

And, this holier than thou attitude to divorced people frankly stinks. Divorce isn’t a lifestyle choice, it’s the last option, it’s awful but necessary. And even the down on people who’ve had affairs often seems rather cruel and unthinking. Absolutely some people have affairs because they’re arseholes, but for many an affair is more a symptom, a reaction to something more fundamentally wrong in a relationship.

Anyway, all a long way of saying: buy them something!!! It’s a wedding!!!

Are they? Or are they helpful? Surely it depends.
I agree that something like Black tie/ dinner dresses is awful. And fancy dress weddings make me feel slightly ill.
BUT, I still want to see something on an invitation. Morning Dress or Suits/ Summer Dresses or Smart Casual for instance helps to set expectations. It shouldn’t be compulsory and force people to spend more than they would, but it does avoid that awful thing of over or under dressing for an occasion.

When you say, ‘Dress code is related to the venue…’ do you mean something like no high heels? Pretty standard for historic venues that don’t want their floors ruined, and I can easily see this being a last minute discovery. So very reasonable and hardly the end of the world.
Or do you mean you have to dress up in medieval garb or something? In which case that is very rude of them!

Suits/ Summer Dresses or Smart Casual means the same thing and is just standard wedding garb. It doesn't need saying and it's quite patronising to do so.

Well they might well be . But assuming that’s what expected when actually the wedding has a more relaxed outdoor theme would be an error
I used to work in a country house hotel. Some weddings were just dress up nicely and some were really formal.

Or it just doesn't matter. I've been to one wedding in a field. Haybales, camping, festival banners and general vibe etc. Nobody dressed any differently for it than the one a few weeks later in a church and a nice hotel. Standard wedding attire covers 99% of eventualities unless the couple are being rude and demanding and imposing any kind of fancy dress. And I include black tie in that.

Plus it really doesn't matter if some guests are dresser than others. If one person is happier in an evening gown and stilettoes and someone else is happier in a skirt and top and sandals then that's really fine.

Absolutely. It really doesn't matter. Unless there's some sort of social media plan.

@Cosimarocks Many weddings are black tie now. It’s fairly normal if you have a winter wedding and it’s dark early. I don’t see much difference between wearing/buying something glamorous and buying a summer dress! Most guests understand different venues are likely to have a different vibe. it’s not just about shoes.