To think this wedding is taking the piss a bit

[BraveLittleBird]

Second wedding, 100+ guests. I can’t get out of attending but AIBU to be annoyed about the following:

Remote venue which means either driving or paying for taxis. Some transport has been laid on but guests are being charged to use it

A honeymoon fund complete with bank details

A dress code request only shared 2 weeks before the day when most people will have bought outfits

There are other minor things but these have particularly annoyed me as the first two seem tight and grabby - you don’t invite people then expect them to pay and if you can afford a big do you should pay for your own bloody holiday. The third is just thoughtless and sums up the ‘all about them never mind their guests’ attitude.

I’m sure there are worse bride/groomzillas out there but AIBU to find this a bit of a piss take when we’re already spending several hundred on accommodation as we don’t live nearby.

I agree. People managed perfectly well for decades! No need for clothing instructions.

It’s not particularly patronising really is it though? Certainly for the men it’s often helpful to know that it’s a less formal wedding (suits) or more traditional (morning coats). And certainly with the (frankly awful) rise in black tie/ dinner dress weddings and with some now perhaps assuming that this is the norm, a dress code is a helpful aid to what to expect. Less a requirement than a guide to what to expect. A bit like going for dinner, it’s helpful to know whether you need to dress for dinner or not. You don’t want to be the one everyone keeps side-eyeing because you and your partner have come massively over or under dressed for the occasion.

(I talk from 20 years running society weddings and other such events.)

I would find it patronising to be told to wear normal wedding clothes because I'm not an idiot and I didn't put anything on my own invitations because I didn't want to patronise. If you want people to dress up above and beyond the wedding norm then you are imposing on them and suggest it if you must but insisting on it is cringy. If you want a more casual vibe then again you can suggest that if you want to but lots of people will prefer to wear more traditional clothes and that's fine too.

Anyone who looks at someone else at an event and gives them the side-eye for being over or underdressed is trivial and unpleasant and I don't care for their opinions.

Absolutely!
Plus - the venue is the guide. Functioning adults can work out that if a wedding is in a stately home, you might want to dress up more than you would for a local pub.
In all honesty, though, I tend to dress smartly for any wedding, irrespective. As do most people I've ever come across! Dress codes are patronising nonsense.

Can you tell from a venue? I’ve been to many a stately home wedding some in more formal wedding dress, some more casual and some black tie.

Perhaps you and @DappledThings only ever attend a certain sort of wedding, But my experience is that wedding attire can vary rather widely, it’s often a class thing though that’s getting less obvious nowadays. But to some the expected/ usual wedding attire might be very formal (long dresses and hats / morning coats) to others it’s summer dresses and suits, to others it’s a pair of trousers and a blouse or something. Certainly I think weddings are often far harder to gauge for men than women. Certainly my DH is always pleased to know if he just needs to throw on a suit or if he needs to dust off the morning coat (then remember it hasn’t fitted in years, sulk about his belly for a few days and then call the hire company).

I’m totally with you on forced dress codes. Especially when wacky or something clearly for social media (all in teal!). But beyond that I think a dress codes is a useful aid especially to those less accustomed (than you both clearly are) to such events. Now, obviously, it shouldn’t matter, but it does and while it does I think a guide for those who aren’t as sure as you both are can be a kindness.

Would you wear what you wore to the first wedding?

Certainly my DH is always pleased to know if he just needs to throw on a suit or if he needs to dust off the morning coat
But that's my point. He can wear a normal suit if he wants. Or a morning coat. Or a shirt without a tie. Or a dinner jacket. If he really cares what most of the other men are wearing he could ask. But nobody has to fit a particular aesthetic.

.

He could, but (thankfully) he cares.

@Cosimarocks Why are you so rude about black tie weddings? Utterly bizarre! For winter evenings they are perfect, fun and easy to follow! Do you refuse to organise them or just hold your nose in contempt?

Just wear something smart. Most folks are sharp enough to get it!

The Honeymoon Fund is despicably grabby. What a brass neck. Pay for your own honeymoon, you tightfisted c#nts.

This is such a weird attitude. Do you object to giving gifts at all? Do they have to be a physical item to be OK in your book or is some kind of voucher OK? If the latter is ok then what's the difference between that and money to be spent however they wish? If you insist on a physical gift are you OK with a wishlist or does it have to be something you've come up with yourself?

If you don't mind a list then again what's the difference between that and a collection? If you don't like a list either why do you want to insist on an extra chore for yourself of coming up with an idea?

Because they’re a hideous American tradition which, like school proms, are tacky. Black tie is evening dress, weddings are rarely evening affairs. (I’m aware it’s a snobby anti-USA attitude, but hey ho).

I no longer run weddings and events, but when I did I probably only did half a dozen black tie weddings. Two were American so that was fine. Of the others they all shared a common factor, they were showy, tasteless, crass and classless things, throwing hideous amounts of money (£100s of thousands) about in a pretty vile way. It was all about look and very little about togetherness or love.

I left events in my 30s burnt out and sick of the waste and the money these people threw about. I’d done too many charity galas when no one knew or cared why they were there and only whether they made the magazines. I did some extraordinary events, met some incredible people, but was sick of doing things that had no benefit to society and only made the very richest feel better about themselves.

I now work for a charity and (hopefully) do a lot more good.

The black tie thing really does give sixth form prom vibes.

I got married in 2014, and we didn't ask for anything. If you gave, fine, but we just wanted our guests there first and foremost. These gift lists and honeymoon funds are unspeakably tawdry to me. I appreciate that's maybe just me, though.

Edited for grammar.

I wanted to not ask for anything but DH persuaded me most people do want to give something so we said if you really want to here's a link to a charity page or some John Lewis vouchers would be great.

I do always want to get something for weddings. And really most people genuinely do. So anything that makes that easier is a win.

There's apparently a tradition that you pretend you don't want anything so don't mention it on the invitations and people are meant to know to contact the bride's parents for a list. That's just tedious and painfully twee.

If you gave, fine..?! Fine??? Surely you mean, thank you!! How lovely!
You make it sound like those that brought you gifts were putting you out somehow.

And wedding gifts have been associated with weddings since antiquity so not sure why specifying that you got married in 2014 (presumably somehow insinuating that it’s a phenomenon that’s taken off since then) is needed… giving something is nice, many people want to do it as a way of celebrating. Though I agree that demanding things is awful, though I suspect that a lot of people who complain about ‘grabby couples’ are happily ignoring the wording on many of these things, as most seem to say something like ‘your presence is enough but..’

We didn’t ask for anything whatsoever. However with what we did kindly receive we bought a Zanussi washing machine and some Euros for our honeymoon (which we'd paid for ourselves). Of course those that gave were thanked

So you got some spending money for your honeymoon? What on earth is the difference between you being given some money to pay the hotel bill and being given some money to spend on cocktails or museum entry fees?

Nobody is ever demanding anything in these scenarios or being grabby. It is always just a gentle steer saying we don't really need anything but if you want to get something here's an idea we would love.

Absolutely. And worse still is this new (I think) fashion I’ve seen on social media, for coloured dinner jacket weddings, rather than black (midnight blue) tie.

Men in powder blue or pink or something equally like it’s fallen off the back of a 1970s prom costume lorry. And the thing is that they are usually horribly made and badly fitted. No idea why people think they look good. As you say they just look like something from a sixth-form prom. Or kids in bad (and strangely coloured) James Bond fancy dress.

A friend of ours got married at Eltham Palace, and the venue banned stiletto heels because it damages the floors. Likely something like that. I can’t remember how much notice they gave, but asking you to wear sensible shoes is not forcing a dress code onto you.

I’ve also never been to a wedding where transport was laid on. How would that even work, presumably guests are coming from lots of different places, will want to leave at different times, etc? So of course you’ll have to get a taxi, lift or drive yourself. Completely normal.

And the honeymoon thing has been common for at least 20 years. At least there wasn’t a poem.

That sounds hilariously bad!

You’re the tight one!

1. it’s pretty standard that you get yourself to people’s venues. Do you expect a cab to pick you up on their expense? You’re getting a whole day for free with food, entertainment and a lovely chance to socialise and you’re worried about getting yourself there?

2. Of course people should give gifts - it’s what you do! They don’t need stuff so are asking for money, that’s absolutely fine. No one has to give nor do they have to give a specified amount. You’re tight to think you can turn up empty handed.

3. the dress code thing is annoying and way too late.

You sound miserable. It’s their bloody wedding, who cares if it’s their first, second or fifth. Either go and have fun or don’t go.

Stop moaning because it’s going to cost you a little to attend. It’s 2026 - very normal to contribute towards your own transport to days out.

Can I just point out yet again that I’m not expecting anyone to fund my travel to the big day! I’m spending several hundred £ on accommodation and travel plus the cost of an outfit and gift. I expect all of these. I’ve just never known a situation where guests are charged for anything other than sometimes buying their own drinks (again fine). I’ve been to a few weddings where there’s been eg a bus from the church to the reception but never been expected to pay for it.