AIBU to resent my FIL visiting for lunch every Sunday?

[Internationalwomendayheadquarters]

I really resent having my FIL come round every Sunday. I work full time and have a part time job on top, so it’s often my only day off and even then I’m often doing jobs round the house, like so many people I know.

He drives round to ours every Sunday and has lunch and stays for an hour or so. I would never want to stop my DH from seeing him, and he could easily pop over there (5 miles away) so I don’t understand why he has to come over here all the time. Also, to add: he’s racist, sexist, homophobic and hates immigrants. He left a previous marriage because when they had a baby she ‘didn’t have a meal on the table when he got home from work’. Is he just a product of his time and should I just deal with it (he’s 88 and lonely) or should I stand my ground and protect my weekend boundaries?

He could be popping round for another 5 years. That's potentially another 260 of OP's only day off spent entertaining someone whose company she doesn't particularly enjoy. She only gets to live once, too.

So... OP should leave her own home, on her one day off?

MN has gone very odd today - usually we are all firm with our boundaries where parents are concerned.

That's not the point. OP doesn't enjoy his frequent presence as he doesn't seem to be a particularly nice person. He's also getting under her feet when she wants to relax/get life admin/work done. It's not about having to prepare lunch.

I feel like people are not engaging with him being a racist, sexist homophobe. I wouldn’t tolerate that in my house.

He's 88 so probably will make unfortunste remarks but he will look forward to seeing you all on Sundays as a lonely man

Pardon? Cheese on toast is lunch for loads of people.

It’s not the actual cooking of the lunch that is a problem anyway as we all sit down as a family to eat. It’s the fact that he’s always there on my only day off. I’m fed up of it and of his views being bounced around my kitchen once a week without fail.

😂

How insulting to other elderly people who manage not to be hideously prejudiced. Who cares if he looks forward to seeing them. If he’d been a nicer man he’d have had more social options.

If he started on with the racist and all the rest crap I'd actually tell him to shut up, esp in front of children. It's really harmful to hear that from grandad and I don't care what age he is.

I'd say to hubby every other week he either says is ok for his dad or you go out for lunch with the children and go home when he's gone. It's fine for your hubby to see his parent when he wants up to a point but not when it's making you so unhappy. You are the family your husband chose, he should be taking your wishes on board too.

He's a product of his time and of course you can't push your partners father out. Leave him to do the cooking and hosting, not like he stays all day and night.

I don’t think you have much ability to say anything. Your DH does the cooking and you would otherwise just be home anyway. If his visits stopped you going out as a family then fair enough but when you are just at home anyway I don’t see the issue. Don’t your children get bored / miss out on days out, weekends away etc

Being 88 isn't a free pass to make 'unfortunate' remarks which are racist, homophobic and anti-immigrant. That's probably why he's lonely because decent people will be giving him a very wide berth.

This...
He's 88, at the end of his life and he's lonely.... visiting you for a couple of hours a week might be his weekly highlight.
Enjoy feeling gracious doing such a good thing for your dh dad.
I know it may be frustrating but it won't go on much longer eek.

But he's not always there is he ?
You've said he has lunch with you, for around 50 mins, then stays for about an hour.
So he's in your house for less than 2 hours a week, an hour of which you can still be getting on with your jobs whilst he spends time with his son and grandchildren.

YABVU.

However
Also, to add: he’s racist, sexist, homophobic and hates immigrants. He left a previous marriage because when they had a baby she ‘didn’t have a meal on the table when he got home from work’.

I would challenge any of that any time he said it, and would have been doing since I met him.

Is he just a product of his time and should I just deal with it (he’s 88 and lonely)

No, of course he isn't. I currently have 5 friends in their 90s, none of whom are like that. I have plenty of other friends in their late 80s who aren't either.

Excuse me. Most people that age are not racist, sexist and homophobic. Don't be so insulting. It's not ok and should not be tolerated.

You really think he's a fellow human being ? From what OP says he sounds like a regular racist twat. H would be doing lunch and I'd be going out and doing something nice for an couple of hours. Not listening to some dinosaur banging on about immigrants racist comments and the rest of it.
Age has nothing to do with it.

My FIL lived to nearly 96. We never know when our time is up!

Exactly

Yes even my grandfather, who would be 125 if he was alive today was not this bigoted.

I invite my fil to most Sunday dinners. I’ve lost both my parents and fil is a lovely man and would drop anything to help us if we needed him for something. He’s been very good with DDs exams and any events we haven’t been able to go to. I certainly don’t resent him coming. As he’s on his own, st least he gets a decent feed.

What has that got to do with anything?

He sounds awful but he is your dh's elderly dad and I think he is entitled to have him round, especially if he does the food and the entertaining. However, I would be going for a walk or out with a friend or even having a lie down while he is there, at least every other week, because as you say its your only day off and you are entitled to some time to yourself. And if he pisses on the bathroom floor, that's dh's job to sort out.

Suggest to your husband he goes there and they could go out for Sundsy lunch once a month? If they took the kids, bonus. You get a few hours to yourself, he and the kids get to see their Dad/Grandad, and you don't have to be subjected to the bigotry EVERY Sunday.

Yes. Love life. We're camping this weekend.

Just make plans and be out sometimes.