AIBU to resent my FIL visiting for lunch every Sunday?

[Internationalwomendayheadquarters]

I really resent having my FIL come round every Sunday. I work full time and have a part time job on top, so it’s often my only day off and even then I’m often doing jobs round the house, like so many people I know.

He drives round to ours every Sunday and has lunch and stays for an hour or so. I would never want to stop my DH from seeing him, and he could easily pop over there (5 miles away) so I don’t understand why he has to come over here all the time. Also, to add: he’s racist, sexist, homophobic and hates immigrants. He left a previous marriage because when they had a baby she ‘didn’t have a meal on the table when he got home from work’. Is he just a product of his time and should I just deal with it (he’s 88 and lonely) or should I stand my ground and protect my weekend boundaries?

Bloody hell an hour! He's your husbands father

If it's your only day off don't you ever go out and do things together?

I'd be okay with this if DH is doing the cooking and entertaining, but I wouldn't want to have to keep my Sunday clear for it, otherwise it becomes a chore.

My advice is - just be yourself. If you are knackered, go and lie down. If you don't fancy cooking or clearing up a big roast, don't - explain to DH you are shattered and it is up to him if he wants this. If FiL is racist etc just say, 'Racist!' or 'Homophobic'. Don't tiptoe around horrible, entitled men for any reason, including their age.

I would if he was racists, homophobic, and misogynistic.

Errrr why is this a presumption? Men can cook too.

At 88 I’d let this continue its 2 hours

Could your DH take him out for lunch sometimes to give you a break?

Every Sunday means you can never go out the two of you or just chill

so I would try and cut down to 3 a month so a week off

one week at yours

one week dh go to fil

one week lunch out

one week no fil

and you decide whether to go to fil or lunch out and have other one to you so for you it’s every other and fil once a month nothing

glad dh cooks

is fil not using the toilet brush after

Why don't you alternate it OP. Your husband goes to him every other week and he comes to you the week in-between. I see my in-laws every Sunday for dinner, sometimes they cook and sometimes my husband does. At times I can't be bothered, I'm either tired, maybe hungover or just not in the mood for small talk after a week of work, teaching foundation stage (we also see them here and there throughout the wk as well) but I know that's me being selfish. The kids love seeing them and also they are lovely people and couldn't do enough for us. I'm very lucky to have great in-laws though.

I feel for you OP - FIL comes here every Sunday, watches the football with DH, has lunch and tea and usually leaves to get home for match of the day. He is also in his 80s, and has strong views I think influenced by right wing YouTube on immigration (bearing in mind he is not originally from the UK!), vaccinations, climate change and a whole list of things! I find himvery hard work, but DH and kids are very fond of him, so hard to change the routine- he has started popping round a bit in the week too which makes my heart sink.

I presumed too in fairness, but only because OP feels so strongly about him coming when she "has been at work 6 days a week" (inferring that him being there on Sunday creates work for her) and included comments about him saying women "should have the dinner on the table etc" (inferring that he expects her to cook for him).

When the reality is her DH does the cooking, and the entertaining.

I'd find the routine of it quite stifling, but I'm more concerned about the fact they never have plans on OPs only day off of the week!

Cleaning the toilet is one heck of a non sequitur, or is it?

Before this turns into "cancel the cheque" the OP is not cooking, it's her DH that cooks.

It’s not a toilet brush situation mostly, it’s urine on the floor.

If I liked the man, this would be more palatable.

DH does cook, but it isn’t a full roast as we’ve three little ones so it’s normally cheese on toast or scrambled egg kind of thing.

It is the kind of man he is that is the issue, not his visiting for an hour.

Did you miss the bit where she said he is racist, sexist and homophobic? Why should anyone be forced to host such a foul person, irrespective of whether he is DH’s dad? Anyone of that character wouldn’t step one foot past my front door.

I would suck it up if your DH cooks and is happy to have him. It's just a couple of hours and he won't live forever. You don't have to be present for the whole visit.

DH is doing the cooking, but FIL definitely feels that women should be at home doing all the cooking and cleaning. He has grumbled about women working before. I just fire that right back at him with the whole ‘well aren’t you lucky that you could survive on one income back then’ type of thing.

Last week is was all ‘boat people coming over taking our jobs and houses’. Luckily my DH gave him some accurate information but it can be very tiresome.

And a bigot. Why should she accommodate someone with such awful views? He shouldn’t get away with being racist, homophobic or sexist just because he’s old.

I would get into the habit of meeting friends / going for a coffee / a walk / going shopping etc around lunchtime every Sunday personally.

Also ask your DH to clean up his father’s piss.

How many proper meals a week does he get?

So let DH cook that for FIL. You have a roast when FIL isn’t around.

Not OP’s problem.

@Internationalwomendayheadquarters next time he pees on the floor, hand him a cloth and disinfectant - and suggest that as his aim is so poor he’d be better to sit down and pee. Or tell your dh to clean the loo. His father after all!

With three small children, I still don't get why you never have plans and can accommodate this every week, don't you ever go anywhere?