AIBU to resent my FIL visiting for lunch every Sunday?

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I really resent having my FIL come round every Sunday. I work full time and have a part time job on top, so it’s often my only day off and even then I’m often doing jobs round the house, like so many people I know.

He drives round to ours every Sunday and has lunch and stays for an hour or so. I would never want to stop my DH from seeing him, and he could easily pop over there (5 miles away) so I don’t understand why he has to come over here all the time. Also, to add: he’s racist, sexist, homophobic and hates immigrants. He left a previous marriage because when they had a baby she ‘didn’t have a meal on the table when he got home from work’. Is he just a product of his time and should I just deal with it (he’s 88 and lonely) or should I stand my ground and protect my weekend boundaries?

So it’s a DH problem, not a FIL one.
If you want some respite (EVERY Sunday does feel a bit much) just ask your DH to visit or take him for a pub lunch or something.

This. Who cares if he’s 88. Is that a pass to be such a vile human. Just ignore him if he comes op. Go do your reset and get your dh to clean the toilet. Maybe then he will really understand

Yes, you are a bit! When do you ever do anything... nice?! Do you never have a day out as a family? What do you do that doesn't involve paid work or housework? Why doesn't your husband do some of these jobs rather than you doing everything in your very limited free time?

I think you missed the bit about the FIL's personality? I too used to go see FIL a few times a week, my partner would go too on other days so he had lots of company. But he was nice. It was pleasant being with him.

Reap what you sow?

I had strict rules on expressing racist, sexist, or homophobic ideas in front of my child when she was little. I expected my father to behave and told him so very directly.

now that she is almost an adult, things slip out, but her values are firmly cemented and she can argue back herself.

So if it were me, I would start by talking to your husband about some rules for what conversations you want taking place in the presence of young, impressionable children. He may decide the easiest way to corral his father is to switch to a pub lunch.

As awful as he sounds, yabu kindly

Hes old and lonely and youre his family

Sorry x

Thats because its your house I assume op shares a house with her dp so its their house which means he has equal say in who is welcome in it.

Slightly sanctimonious here - I know it is because it is the sort of thing I would say. You aren't putting up with FiL or trying to do one and a half jobs and run a house. OTOH he is 88 (and sexist etc which has nothing to do with age or class btw - plenty of young upper-class racists, just go and watch a pro-Hamas march!) and may not have very long to have Sunday lunch with his son. Does the other brother/sister live a long way away, I wonder, or harbour resentment over being abandoned and not want to see aged Pa very often, so these Sundays are his life-line? Bear in mind that he might not speak to anyone all week - even shop assistants are now talking to someone else in the shop on a headset while they serve you (which I find downright rude).

And as FIL has gone every Sunday, I hope you'll give the OP some consideration with her say on who isn't welcome in it. After all, it would be equal...

And what are we calling racist views, I wonder. The suggestion which seems to run along here is that only old people hold these views. Not so. I know a young person who is anti-Semitic. I see on my TV people waving placards saying 'from the river to the sea' (i.e. exterminate all Jews) and 'transwomen are women' (i.e. women have no right to exclude men from anything men want to do), the one being racist the other sexist. The wavers are for the most part young - which I find very worrying.

If my partner tried to ban any of my family from our house our relationship would be over.

Let your DH entertain him. He probably won’t be alive much longer anyway.

He’s 88, lonley and wants to get out, maybe once a month go to him, but he won’t live forever

Where's your line of acceptable behaviour from a guest though?

So racism, misogyny, sexism, homophobia all in earshot of your children = fine, apparently?

Pissing all over the floor by someone with all his faculties = fine suposedly?

He won't be around forever and he doesn't stay long. It's the same for your husband, he would probably rather have Sundays to do his jobs and things but he puts up with it.

You could sometimes say that you are going somewhere next Sunday and then not answer the phone :-). Or go out for lunch, that would be a nice change and carveries are lovely.

I would hate the man's attitudes and opinions but I presume you don't have young kids at home so you can throw a deaf ear. You're unlikely to change the man now.

Go out and meet a friend for coffee, go for a walk, mooch around the shops, you’re in control of your own life. Decide if you want to all , none, some of the DC with you.

Husband needs to clean up after his Dad x

Every other Sunday your DH sees his father Sunday lunchtime - this may or may not be at your home.

When at yours, DH cleans up his father’s piss from the toilet.

If FIL is staying for lunch, you could go out to the shops, coffee shop, cinema etc.

When FIL isn’t being seen, as a family go out for the day and have fun together.

Does your DH see him any other time? This could be something he does with the kids when you’re at work maybe?

You're going to have to decide how often you want him to come round and whether on some of his visits you could go out. Then communicate what works for you to your fil e.g. every other week where on one of those occasions you are out and DH can take the kids to see him on one of the other weeks if he wants. In that's scenario he gets to see DH and the kids three weeks out of four but you only see him once a month.

Oh for goodness sake, are you sure you couldn't find anymore "isms" to accuse the poor man of?

Make a point of cooking the most ethnic foreign food you can. He will soon get the hint

You have my full sympathy OP I wouldn’t want anyone in my house every single Sunday without fail. It would drive me nuts. You have even more reason to be annoyed as it’s your only day off and he sounds difficult.

Can he come another day when you’re at work? If not make plans to go do something for yourself when he’s round?

How is he a 'poor man' exactly?

He's a weapons-grade dispicable bastard.

Did you miss the part where I no longer have parents or are you completely devoid of why I’m grateful to have fil in my life, just so you can make a bitchy comment?

I certainly wouldn't be cleaning the floor that would be dp job. As for the other stuff I'm very use to hearing these sorts of comments working with the general public Im very good at zoning out from people.