AIBU to resent my FIL visiting for lunch every Sunday?

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I really resent having my FIL come round every Sunday. I work full time and have a part time job on top, so it’s often my only day off and even then I’m often doing jobs round the house, like so many people I know.

He drives round to ours every Sunday and has lunch and stays for an hour or so. I would never want to stop my DH from seeing him, and he could easily pop over there (5 miles away) so I don’t understand why he has to come over here all the time. Also, to add: he’s racist, sexist, homophobic and hates immigrants. He left a previous marriage because when they had a baby she ‘didn’t have a meal on the table when he got home from work’. Is he just a product of his time and should I just deal with it (he’s 88 and lonely) or should I stand my ground and protect my weekend boundaries?

Yeah if someone is so old, it is a free pass to spout racism, sexism and misogyny.

It’s still the grandfather! One day your views might be not acceptable by your kids/the future generations, would you like to be excluded and left alone to die? I doubt!!!

If he is the kids grandfather then yeah then it is fantastic that he can spout spout racism, sexism and misogyny.

When it is an elderly relative that makes it lovely and fine.

I hope I am excluded and left alone to die if I come out with this kind of crap! I shall deserve it.

I doubt that OP will miss the calls or the Sunday get-togethers once her deepy unpleasant racist FIL has died. Horrible people aren't normally mourned after their deaths.

Yes. If I had repellent or offensive views, I'd recognise the need to STFU about them. If I wasn't capable of doing that, I'd deserve to be excluded.

Two seperatw issues.

Him coming over. Surely you're eating anyway? And you're DH is capable of coming and entertaining him? Does it stop you from going out because DH refuses? I'd say put the workload into DH, and don't let it stop you going away for weekends or out for the day.

-phobic. Comment and correct every single time. Don't listen to that crap in your home. He'll either learn to reign it in or reduce contact

You don’t owe anybody anything.

If someone makes you feel uncomfortable, then don’t have them around you.

Don’t martyr yourself just because someone is ‘family’.

There’s nothing stopping the DH from going to visit his dad if he wants to but OP and her children should not be made to feel uncomfortable in their own home.

Normalise making children feel safe in their own home.

We went for 15 years without about a completely parent free weekend. Both sets of our parents were divorced, and three of them were really lonely - we often had weekends where we had one parent on a Saturday and another on a Sunday. Neither of us had siblings or other family in the uk, so we were their only close relatives. We used to moan about them and say how much we would love a weekend to ourselves. Now all four are long gone and I would give anything to go back to the days when they were all alive and well, no matter how irritating some of them were.

Exactly.

People like this need to be excluded.

No way would I have someone negatively impacting my children.

If DH wants to stay in touch that’s completely up to him but he can go to FILs home, not have him around his children.

Then don't. Leave a toilet brush front and central and tell DH it's his Dad, he can scrub the shit our the bowl or wipe the pee off the lid. Even if you go to pee whilst FIL is there, call your DH to deal with it.

And entertaining DGF every week whilst he spouts it absolutely ISN'T teaching them that. My kids aren't exposed to that within the safety of their own home, and I'd remove them fro many social situation where they were exposed to it. By the time I lose that control, they'll be older enough to manage it better

It's just an hour.

So true. racism, sexism and misogyny are just irritating that's all. Easy to cope with really. Just what young children need!!

What is wrong with young kids being exposed to racism, sexism and misogyny? It is only an hour!

🙄

Exactly this!!

We need to teach our children to have boundaries and not put up with things that make them feel uncomfortable, especially in their own home.

There are a lot of things that go on in the world that we may be exposed to but the home should always be a safe place.

What if our girls marry men that turn abusive, should they continue living with him just because they took a vow and are now ‘family’?
Of course not.

“Unfortunate”?

My parent is also in their 80’s and has never made a sexist, racist or homophobic remark. Because they are not sexist, racist or homophobic. Their values haven’t changed just because they have aged - if anything, they feel more strongly about the godawful state of the world and the authoritarian behaviour of Trump/Musk etc now, and what the grandchildren will be coming into as a world.

Nope.....i bloody hate this EVERY WEEK! Family or not..its your day off and I can totally see where youre coming from! Its almost become expected of you to accommodate this on a sunday..I would be cheesed off too. Just because someone is elderly doesnt make them a nice person. Some of my hair clients are old amd youd think "aww shame...they dont see anyone' but if you listen to them youd know why...they're bloody horrible

You and OH need to decide together how you are going to approach this so you are on the same page and he can communicate this to his father. If it’s always you cooking then I think it’s reasonable to say that OH should be sharing cooking duties. If he insists he likes seeing him every week then you say to him well I will only be doing the cooking once a month (or whatever you would find acceptable) and its up to him what he does with his father the other weeks. And then crack on with whatever you have to do. This might mean you have to sacrifice some Sunday lunches. But it will be worth it. I couldn’t spend as much time as that with someone so offensive. If it wasn’t for the fact he is horrid I’d probably have been telling you to try to suck it up for an elderly man whose probably lonely (although I still wouldn’t be doing all the cooking).
I get the feeling your OH won’t want to cook Sunday lunch three weeks out of the month so the frequency will naturally taper off or he’ll end up making sandwich lunches.

Read the thread. The DH 'cooks' cheese on toast.

Given FIL is 88 and lonely, I'd remain kind despite his character flaws. But I'd also look at mixing it up a bit, rather than this 'every Sunday' malarkey.

Could your DH and FIL to go for a pub lunch biweekly or once a month? That would give you time and space to do something else sometimes on your day off, if you'd like that.

If you'd rather be with DH on your day off, could he do the roast and clean up biweekly?

But I'd assess if the resentment is not just due to slaving in the kitchen but also just the fact of seeing him every week on your day off - if that's a factor, it may be better to either score some alone time rather than just shift the work load. Or perhaps DH could go out with FIL one evening during the week sometimes instead of having FL over every Sunday. That would give you and DH time and space to spend time together on your day off.

We should always be kind to people who spout racism, sexism and misogyny in the presence of young children.

I wouldn't socialise with him if he's openly misogynist and cannot or will not turn that down in your house once he's been asked/told. Whether you want to ban him from the house, prevail upon DH to take him out or visit him at home rather than hosting him, or just be busy/out when he stops by is up to you.

What is up with cleaning the toilet? Is this just a routine cleaning that becomes time-dependent because of a visitor, or does FIL make a special mess?

Cheese on toast, made by your dh and a visit for a couple of hours? What's the problem. Just go out as you don't like him.

I said Exactly this. Just leave them to it.