AIBU to resent my FIL visiting for lunch every Sunday?

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I really resent having my FIL come round every Sunday. I work full time and have a part time job on top, so it’s often my only day off and even then I’m often doing jobs round the house, like so many people I know.

He drives round to ours every Sunday and has lunch and stays for an hour or so. I would never want to stop my DH from seeing him, and he could easily pop over there (5 miles away) so I don’t understand why he has to come over here all the time. Also, to add: he’s racist, sexist, homophobic and hates immigrants. He left a previous marriage because when they had a baby she ‘didn’t have a meal on the table when he got home from work’. Is he just a product of his time and should I just deal with it (he’s 88 and lonely) or should I stand my ground and protect my weekend boundaries?

I completely agree, its called being an adult

The view on Mumsnet where people seem to think we should never be inconvenienced at all is endemic. Functioning as a part of adult society means making compromises and doing things we don’t want to do.

I don’t know where my line is but I don’t think allowing your partner to spend one hour a week with his elderly father is egregious or a LTB situation.

If his father has spent most of his life in prison, is a physical danger to others or a literal Nazi or member of the KKK then that would cross the line but in that case, I wouldn’t allow him into my home.

If he was 20 years younger I would be more unhappy with the arrangement.

I hate all of these comments trying to guilt you. Let your husband deal with his father. I would no longer be cooking lunch. Could you invent a reason to leave the house on a Sunday? Honestly, the selfishness and entitlement of some old people needs to be studied. People say the young are entitled, but some old people knock them into a cocked hat!

Your husband has his dad visit for one hour a week, is hardly outrageous. If you have things to do then crack on with them but it’s unreasonable to dictate that your husband can’t host a parent for one hour a week.

It doesn't matter who cooks. The OP doesn't want to have to put up with the old buzzard and I don't blame her.

It’s time to start popping out for an hour or two every Sunday - perhaps a new hobby?

You're not wrong or unreasonable to want some space/down time in your own home on your only day off. But there could be a happy medium - FIL comes to your house once a month, your DH goes to his dad's house another week, they go out a 3rd week, 4th week is family time (without FIL). Obviously for this to work, you need your DH and his dad to actually put someone else first every now and again.

So its purely his age that gives him more of a free pass in your eyes, and your bar seems awfully high for what we should put up with imo.

You haven't mentioned his hatred of women and gays, his pissing on the floor (despite no mention of frailty or disability) or the fact he's just.. horrible?

OP should have some say in how often someone visits her home. Unfortunately her husband doesn't seem to listen to her much, going by other threads.

Then it is perfectly for the three young children to witness sexism, racism and misogyny.

Functioning as a part of adult society means making compromises and doing things we don’t want to do.

I mean what is wrong with exposing young children to misogyny, racism and sexism? We should all compromise and let children hear these attitudes. How selfish to refuse.

Have a heart? For an unrepentent racist, misogynist and homophobe? If he was a nice old man, fair enough. He is the polar opposite of that. I assume your FIL isn't like that. It is a lot to ask OP to host a massive bigot every Sunday.

It is sooooooooooooooooooooo kind to let young children hear racist, sexist and misogynist attitudes.

Let's make it part of the curriculum.

Oh well if he is lonely and 88 then we should all be happy to hear him being racist, sexist and misogynist. Good thing the children are witnessing this every week, hey?

Yes leave the DC with this racist, sexist misogynist. It is just what the children need.

Some sort of internalised misogyny I think that makes grown ass women tell others to handmaiden themselves to these horrendous entitled men, because 'age', and 'family'.

Oh well if it is the husbands father then that makes it fine for young children to hear his sexism, racism and misogyny. You are so right!!!!!

You truly deserve a medal.

We should all suck up racism, sexism and misogyny especially young children. Start them young.

I’d be tempted to start actively cooking Indian/thai/mexican food on Sundays intentionally.

If he complained to my face in my own home I’d tell him he’s free to leave, especially as he wasn’t invited, and if he doesn’t like the food he’s welcome to never come again.

Im absolutely at the end of my tether with men.

Next Sunday you just need to be out.

DH needs to clean the bog as well as cooking but if he wants his dad to come round then it’s his house too.

OP absolutely does not need to suck it up. Her FIL is racist, homophobic and a misogynist. He wees on the floor and doesn't clean it up himself, OP has to do it. Why on earth would he be a welcome guest in anyone's home?

Kids need to learn that some people spout shit. Tbf idealistic teens spout a whole load.

The issue is that the OP is feeling she has to entertain them. If my in laws come round that’s the expectation on me. If me dad and uncle come round they don’t expect dh’s undivided attention otoh.

Well yeah, it’s his age. Older people need more support and I know from experience how important routines and keeping connected to family are for those who are 88.

The needs of a 90 year old are different to the needs of a 60 year old. But you should already know this.

I also know from experience that getting down and scrubbing the bathroom floor is not the easiest task for a 90 year old, even if they still have all their faculties. And that men that age do dribble. The OP’s husband should be sorting that out. But again, where’s the empathy? The OP made it sound like there was shit up the walls and dysentery everywhere when she first mentioned cleaning the bathroom.

I have already mentioned his treatment of his first wife. And the OP hasn’t mentioned any examples of homophobia so this could mean anything. Again, I wouldn’t expect a man of his age to be particularly enlightened.

One hour once per week is very little time to be spent with a very elderly parent. I know working women who spend more than that amount of time every day with their parents who are younger! No one expects the OP to like it but I can’t see how anyone thinks this is a wholly unacceptable situation.

My thoughts exactly.
Could you sometimes take him out to a pub, garden centre cafe or restaurant instead of you always having to cater for him.

😭😭 hes old and is her relative

Racist old relatives are a part of life, you just tell the kids to ignore him

Jesus Christ you’re a saint for putting up with that nonsense OP. And in your precious time off from working full time and part time. You have my deepest sympathies. At a push he could come round once a month….