AIBU to resent my FIL visiting for lunch every Sunday?

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I really resent having my FIL come round every Sunday. I work full time and have a part time job on top, so it’s often my only day off and even then I’m often doing jobs round the house, like so many people I know.

He drives round to ours every Sunday and has lunch and stays for an hour or so. I would never want to stop my DH from seeing him, and he could easily pop over there (5 miles away) so I don’t understand why he has to come over here all the time. Also, to add: he’s racist, sexist, homophobic and hates immigrants. He left a previous marriage because when they had a baby she ‘didn’t have a meal on the table when he got home from work’. Is he just a product of his time and should I just deal with it (he’s 88 and lonely) or should I stand my ground and protect my weekend boundaries?

The DC should suck up the racism, sexism and misogyny. What is less than 2 hours every week to young DC. Nothing!!!!

When you're 88 the world will be a very different place and there will be things you believe in now that will be completely unacceptable in 30/40 years time i hope your family are alot more accepting then you are

No.

Read the thread and the examples people have given.

What do you mean no you have no idea what the world will be like in 40 years. Think pregnant men, people dressed up and living as animals, think ai taking over the world, people living as thruples, new versions of parenting. This may all be the norm in 40 years time plus much more that we haven't thought about and your going to agree with the new world because people who haven't even been born yet tell you to and your rude and should be banned from seeing your kids and grandkids if you don't. Or maybe we will all be living under sharia law who knows. But you won't be allowed an opinion.

Nonsense. Men can't get pregnant..

Like I said read the thread.

Give it 40 years and come back to me. But you can't say its nonsense as its sexist and you won't be allowed to see your family anymore if you make comments like that

I have read the thread

I would be irritated by my free time taken up every week without fail. It’s not on especially since you work so much.

Can you not be there? Just go out and leave dh and his dad?

I feel for you, my ex mother in law was difficult, belligerent and often downright rude, yet I was supposed to want to go and visit her every week (she wouldn't come to my house) in the end I had to set a boundary that ex would take ds to see her but he could forget me going . Time to set a similar boundary. Your DH needs to set a pattern of his dad not always coming to you, change it to fortnightly, move it to DH visiting him in his home and you do something else. Explain to DH (again) that this is your one day off a week. If he insists that his dad is still coming, then take yourself out and leave DH with the children and FIL and do something for yourself, but you really shouldn't have to vacate your own home. Time for a sit down conversation about setting those boundaries

Does DH work 6 days as well? If not, Fil could come over on Saturday instead? And also this would be a good day for DH to do the laundry and cleaning etc so then you could all have a day off on Sunday.

So interesting how people are saying its fine to be clearing up someone else's urine off the floor when the man is perfectly capable of sitting down, or putting loo paper around the seat to catch spillage, or any number of things to not just leave urine everywhere. Men have trained us so well to convince you they have simply no choice but to leave a mess for you to clean up.

This. 👏

I’m wondering what he using in his own house….

Is the FIL toilets that filthy, with urine all over the floor? Or does he clean after himself? (I’m assuming there’s no MIL around to clean up after him)

I have read your posts @youalright and, as it happens, I don’t believe that, because some ideas were ok 60 years ago, then it’s ok for an 88yo to still say them and refuse to change when they are clearly offensive.

What actually happens is that your own beliefs slowly change, adapting to the world around you (Being 60yo, I think I can talk about that as a personal experience). Just like it does for anyone else in society.

I disagree like for e.g. if reform gets voted in and peoples rights are taken away i won't agree with that now so why would i agree with that at 88 the difference is people being born now won't know any different so it will be their norm but I will remember the days where abortion was legal and maternity leave was decent and gay marriage was legal and people got free health care at the point of access and disabled people didn't end up on the streets starving to death.

Can't your husband take him out sometimes?

No, he would rather his kids listen to the racism, sexism and misogyny.

I would ask your husband to take him out every other week

If he doesn't have the fine motor skills to piss in a toilet, he probably shouldn't be driving.

Personally I wouldn't cut him out entirely because I think people like that are kind of a product of their generation, plus now they're often getting all their info from social media or certain media outlets and aren't working or out in the world enough to have that challenged in a real sense. So it's not good to leave people like that in their own echo chamber. But equally I wouldn't want it around my kids all the time. So I'd have him round every other week or every 3 weeks and use your Saturday for hobbies and jobs and use Sunday as a family trip day and go out somewhere. I usually aim to do all my cleaning on thurs/Fri night so my weekend is free for enjoyment as I'm a lone parent. If there's two of you you should be able to free a day if you plan it out.

If the shoe was on the other foot and it was your dad, how would you feel? He is 88 and probably lonely, and believe it or not, it is possibly the highlight of his week to go to your house once a week for his lunch. He may not be a nice person but he is your husband's father so I would stick to that routine but if you want to do something for yourself the occasional Sunday, then I would do that and let your DH entertain his dad on his own. Maybe they could watch and a match and have a chat and they wouldn't need you there for that. It won't last forever.

Spending every Sunday with relatives is too much especially when you throw 3 children in the mix, spending every Sunday with someone you don’t actually like makes it worse.
I know it’s your only day off but by doing chores etc all day it’s not really a day off!
If it were me every other weekend I would do a few chores in the morning then head out either with the children or by myself for a few hours.
Your DH is more than capable of doing the food AND cleaning the toilet.
Chuck down one of those pedestal mats around the toilet in the morning, to catch the worst of it, then chuck it in the wash and say ‘DH, your Dads aim is off can you wipe down the toilet and wash the floor.
You don’t really have a FIL problem, you have a DH problem. He has repeatedly ignored your wishes and won’t say
‘we’re out next week Dad, we’ll see you the week after’.
Your FIL is a product of his time, his views will be different to yours, at 88 years he won’t be around for ages, however take yourself out of the equation by not being there regularly and he’ll be less annoying for you.
Sundays are our only time time off together as a family, we see family on that day on average once every 3 weeks.

Do people actually call wee ‘urine’ in real life?

Personally I feel if you have to ask the question then you know you are not really being kind.