AIBU for not checking on DH and the kids during flight?

[Dhflightsulk]

We recently returned from an abroad holiday, we left the online check in too late which meant we had 3 seats next to each other, and then a seat further down the plane about 15 rows in front, as opposed to next to the 3 on the opposing row (as we did on the way out).

I took the single seat and DH was with DS2 and DD5 in the three.

The flight was only short haul so about 2.5 hours. DH was (and to an extent still is) unhappy that I didn’t check in with him during the flight, which he described as hard work with our kids being young.

I said he’s perfectly capable of parenting and didn’t need me checking up on him. He maintains I should have checked in.

AIBU?

I wouldn't have wandered down as once the kids saw me they would then want me. However we would have probably agreed to swap half way unless it was all smooth and he didn't need to swap.

He should be perfectly capable of parenting. You should still have checked in with him. Which of you sat with the kids on the way out and did the other person do anything to help?

What about the return flight? I would have wanted to check on my children. I would have chosen to sit with them too

Last few words nail it, had a woman been sitting with their children on a flight while their father sat alone elsewhere and he didn't check if she was OK, maybe offered to swap, then the MN reaction would be LTB!

I don’t think we did the first time. I think I said, I’ll take the single seat if that’s ok. We say hi if we have to walk past each other on the way to the toilet, but I can’t say for certain we have done this on every flight. I don’t think either of us consider it a big deal, it’s just implied.

Of course he could have coped on his own, and clearly did. I've taken my two on longer flights on my own and it's all fine...... However, it doesn't mean it's not hard work! I really like my husband and personally wouldn't have don't what you dod. In this situation, I would have checked in about halfway through and asked if all was well and whether he wanted to swap. I wouldn't leave him to feel he had to go find me if he was having a difficult time / just wanted a bit of relaxation time himself!

I have to say I think YABU. Whilst he absolutely should be able to manage for 2.5 hours on his own, if he was the one that took the lone seat and then left you as the mum to it, everyone would be out with their pitchforks saying LTB.

I would have swapped halfway.

YABU.
You (as in both of you) should have been better organized and checked in promptly so you could pick seats together or paid or the seats when you originally booked the flight.
You were unreasonable for not checking in with him and actually you should have swapped half way through the flight so that both of you got a break. This should have been discussed when you found out you didn't have seats together.

If a woman had come on here and said her DH hadn't come by to see how she was doing and didn't offer to swap to give her a break from a 2 year old and 5 year old, the DH would have got a pasting for being selfish.

Are you regularly in tricky situations on your own with both kids? Or does he usually help? That would define my answer here.

Do you take both kids together on your own to buy shoes? Or do a long drive with them to visit family? Or fly with them by yourself?

On holiday did you take them swimming for a morning whilst he lay in? Or take them to the beach on your own?

If so, it’s completely reasonable to expect him to do it. However, if he’s always the one doing these things and you never do, or he always offers to help you, then you should really have offered.

I think yabu. Of course he could cope, but there were 2 parents in the plane so he shouldn't need to. you have by far the better end of that deal and are having a totally different flight experience, so why wouldn't you pop and say hi ( and check he didn't want to swap) once? If kids are playing up, or need cleaning after being sick, or anything else, it would make sense to share the load a bit. If all fine, then great, no problem, but you can't know either way if you are nowhere near them. Unless you are missing info like this was agreed as part of a deal where he got same amount of uninterrupted time on the holiday, and he didn't check in during that?

It makes a change for it to be mum doing it though, so well done for that. Our last flight, 2 people next to dh (across the aisle from us) got moved leaving him 2 empty seats and the air steward was so quick to say 'and now one of the kids can move across so you can both have some space ' that it was clear she was so sick of dads checking out that she was taking charge rather than waiting to see what he would do!

If it were me, I would have come and offered to swap half way. You don’t want to stand around chatting in the aisle because that annoys everyone and gets in the way but I would have come to see them. I’d also expect DH not to take me up on the offer of swapping!

I would have checked in and offered to swap halfway through.
My DH is a fully functioning adult and often looks after the children by himself so I wouldn’t be checking in because of him not being able to cope, I’d be checking in because all my family are seated elsewhere and they might need something
I would want him to check that I was ok if it was reversed, I’d be pretty pissed off if he stuck his nose in a book and ignored us 😂

How old are your kids? Seems odd you’ve got a 2 year old that would wave and not be bothered about knowing you were sat further up the plane. It’s obviously fine if this works for you, but OPs husband being annoyed about it is also fair enough

He did cope. But he shouldn’t have had to. Two parents so the parenting should be split!

one relaxing with a book and a drink while the other is trying to keep two little ones entertained isn’t fair.

Coping due to necessity and coping due to selfishness are two different things.

OP, I reckon you’re in a big mood with him for being a crap parent on holiday and punished him by giving him plane duty while you read your book.
(If that’s the case, I like your style. It would never have occurred to my husband in his wildest dreams that HE would be the default parent tasked with sitting with the kids. The kids were considered an extension of me when they were little).

I would have expected DH to check on me and offer to swap half way. So if have done the same thing if it were him. He's a perfectly capable parent, as am I, but a flight is a very intensive time with 2 young children.

He was perfectly capable of 2.5 hours with the kids. What would you need to check in about?! Ridiculous.

Plus from your description of finishing a book I'd imagine it's not been a restful holiday for you with kids of those ages. Holidays when kids are young aren't really holidays are they. They're just parenting in a different location.

I think letting the generally less hands on parent sit with the kids for 2.5 hours while the more hands on parent has a rest is more than fair. Yes I'm making assumptions but I bet I'm right that the op generally does more kid wrangling both at home and on holiday.

You keep talking about whether he can cope or not, but that isn’t the point. It just isn’t very nice when you’re ten meters away to not share the load. Do you even like each other?
when my dc were that age, I liked them, and my husband, and wanted to spend time with them. Sure I liked time alone too, but you were on a plane, 10m apart. I can’t imagine completely ignoring my dh and toddlers for a few hours in that circumstance.

You are not though so its irrelevant.

Any parent, who actually gave a shit, would check in and make sure they were okay. Its just the decent thing to do to be honest. How would you feel if the position were reversed and he took the empty seat and read his book and had a drink while you coped with them alone? 2.5 hrs on a flight is a long time with little ones. I can't imagine for a second doing this to my DH.

Unless this is a drip feed and you are going to tell us he is a shit Dad who does nothing at home and leaves you coping alone all the time so this was some sort of payback?

They cope because they have no choice but to. In this situation, there were two capable parents on the flight. Having just returned from a flight where DD3 was a nightmare, but I travelled alone, I knew I’d have to cope with her. But had DP been a few rows in front enjoying his relaxing flight, I’d have been deeply resentful at being left to handle it on my own. The kind thing to do would be to swap halfway through.

I usually do hour on hour off with my husband when travelling on trains, so far on planes we're always together. He's a 50/50 type husband day in day out however, if yours isn't and you got some well deserved respite then great!

It really doesn't.

If the father had left the mum with the kids then the LTB call would be deafening. The OP was totally selfish to leave her husband and not offer to swap half way through. What a poor attitude to have and show her children.

Is there a drip-feed here about how you didn’t get to read your book on holiday because he left all the parenting to you? Or was the parenting shared 50/50 on holiday?