Inheritance One

[Chocolatefiregaurd]

I need some impartial opinions.

I will try and keep a very, very long story short.

Grandparent has died. I provided 90% of care prior to their passing. It was hard.

I never expected anything financially as the will was clear and it wasn’t a secret, everything was to be split between their children equally. I provided the care because I wanted too not because I thought I would benefit in some way.

Here is the AIBU.

My parent has received the money from the estate and would like to give myself and my siblings a financial gift.

They would like to give us £2000 each.

I feel really annoyed by this.

Neither of my siblings saw my grandparent for at least four years.

I suppose I feel miffed that I dedicated so much time and effort to providing care when they didn’t and that they will now benefit.

I have tried to work out what I would want to happen and I just don’t think it is fair they benefit.

I probably am being unreasonable as the money is now my parents to do what they want, it just stings I suppose.

You will get battered on here but I see where you’re coming from. When my grandad passed away all money went to children. However my mum chose to give me a small gift and my sibling a larger one. That was because my sibling did lots more for my grandad than I ever did. It was completely fair that my sibling get a bigger gift, frankly they earned it.

It would hurt me greatly and I would expect that my hard labour and time I spent caring was considered in to this decision.
i know that is not the popular mumsnet view, but I would feel exactly as you do.

It’s a tale as old as time unfortunately, but try not to focus on what your parents are doing. They’re damned if they do and damned if they don’t give you all an equal share. Do something nice with your £2000 and know that the love and appreciation you had for your grandparents and they for you, far outweighs the benefit of a couple of thousand pounds.

I never expected anything financially as the will was clear and it wasn’t a secret, everything was to be split between their children equally.

The will was clear the money was to be split equally, so your parent got their share and has now decided she also wants to split it equally. Where’s the problem, your siblings may not of seen the grandparent recently but they are still your mums children. It sounds like you did expect more financially

I can understand your thinking. It doesn't make sense and seems unjust when people benefit but don't deserve to.

My mum will be leaving her estate to my sister and me. My sister doesn't spend much time with her, barely likes her, but will benefit equally. I have sole access to some of the money she'll be receiving, (there's no written will), and even though I dont think she warrants it, I'll do as I've been asked by my mum and will forward it on to my sister.

What can you do, but accept the decision your parents have made.

OP, i can understand your reaction.

Your parents are foolish to not be using this all to pay down debt.
I would tell them that too.

Sorry for your loss.

What did you expect your parent to do with their share of the money? For what it’s worth I think id be miffed too. It’s not even really about the care, but more about the lack of contact for years that would annoy me.
Did your parent have any inkling that this was your grandparent actually wanted despite the lack of contact? Is it possible that the lack of contact was for reasons partly of the grandparents making and your parent doesn’t feel your siblings should miss out because of an issue that wasn’t their doing?
Regardless, I can totally see why a parent wouldn’t want to cause a rift by being anything less than equitable with the money. Regardless of the relationship with the grandparent, the inheritance is THEIR money now to do with as they see fit, and not a reflection of the relationship with the GP or lack thereof.

This.

So you would only care for an elderly relative in expectation of a greater inheritance. Yuk.

Maybe your Mum loves you both equally.

This is exactly what I was going to say. Your parents are gifting something to you and your siblings from what is now theirs. If your grandparents had done it, I would see what you mean, but they didn’t @Chocolatefiregaurd

See if you can persuade your parent to give it to The Cats Protection.

It will save all these family squabbles and ill feelings.

I’d be more annoyed at your GP who allowed you to provide care which you found ‘hard’ whilst sitting with money in the bank which could have been used to buy in care and leave you free of the burden.
I hope I don’t do that to my family.

I do get your annoyance, you devoted a lot of time and your siblings nill, yet they are gifted the same. Thing is, wills and money are not given from service they are passed down by the choosing of the departed often if you did or did not. However you have something they don’t have, honour you cared for them, the time and memories. Do not let them try to falsify accounts where suddenly in a few years they did too.

I would ask to have a small momento of them to keep.
You did a good thing, be proud.

That’s not what they did.

Why would I persuade someone in debt to donate a large amount of money charity?

There are no squabbles. I have only posted here.

“I never expected anything”

So why, then, should it matter that you that your siblings have benefitted? Do you begrudge your grandparent’s other children their inheritance? Your DGM did not leave money to your siblings - she left it to your parents, and they have very generously decided to benefit their children. From their POV, they love all their children, and don’t want to be divisive in giving one DC more than another. It sounds as though what you want is acknowledgement for the fact that you cared for your grandparent. The money is supremely irrelevant, OP, and you are getting yourself all bent out of shape about something that doesn’t matter. I’m sure your parents were grateful for the effort you made on your grandparent’s behalf. Don’t begrudge your siblings their windfall, just because they didn’t take care of the grandparent - the money didn’t come from the grandparent: it came from your parents, and no looking after of them was involved.

So you didn't do it for the money but now you're pissed you're not getting the most money?! 🤦🏼‍♀️

NO.

I’ve read all the comments.

I need to separate the two events for what they are.

One has nothing to do with the other and I see that now clearly.

Thank you.

I don’t need anymore posters telling me I am grabby, to donate to charity etc etc etc

This is nothing to do with inheritance!

The proposed gift is a gift from your parents, not your grandparents. The grandparents left everything to their children and nothing to you or your siblings. From what I can gather, your parents have not filed a deed of variation against the will, so the £2k is simply a gift coming directly from them to you and your siblings.

Yes I know.

YABU and contradicting yourself.

So you need to look at this differently. Grandparents left their money to their children.
Your parent now has that money, its theirs. Your parent wants to gift all their children £2000. Thats lovely and very generous of them.

This isnt your Grandparents inheritance. Its a gift from a parent

Every time I read about "inheritance " money there is always a problem with someone. So your parents got left money so it is theirs do with as they please. They chose to give some to their children and see them enjoy it as is their right. If you don't like it then give yours back, how your siblings spend it is not your problem. I have solved all this by leaving my children out of my will altogether & charity will benefit. I've worked hard, given my kids a good life and good start and will spend my money as I see fit. Inheritance is not a right but a privilege and any money your parents give you wherever it came from, should be enjoyed and maybe that will make them happy. You are mixing the care you chose to give your grandparents with resentment that your parents choose to treat each of their children equally. I'm glad my parents left me with nothing but lovely memories.