Inheritance One

[Chocolatefiregaurd]

I need some impartial opinions.

I will try and keep a very, very long story short.

Grandparent has died. I provided 90% of care prior to their passing. It was hard.

I never expected anything financially as the will was clear and it wasn’t a secret, everything was to be split between their children equally. I provided the care because I wanted too not because I thought I would benefit in some way.

Here is the AIBU.

My parent has received the money from the estate and would like to give myself and my siblings a financial gift.

They would like to give us £2000 each.

I feel really annoyed by this.

Neither of my siblings saw my grandparent for at least four years.

I suppose I feel miffed that I dedicated so much time and effort to providing care when they didn’t and that they will now benefit.

I have tried to work out what I would want to happen and I just don’t think it is fair they benefit.

I probably am being unreasonable as the money is now my parents to do what they want, it just stings I suppose.

It’s really up to the parent there’s nothing you can do about it.

I can see you are upset but your post doesn't make any sense OP.. you say you cared for your grandparents because you wanted to not for any financial rewards and you didn't expect anything because everything was going to their children.
But in the next breath you are angry because your siblings are getting the same amount from your parents as you are. It sounds as though you did expect some financial reward over and above what your siblings are getting.
Why don't you ask your parents for a personal memento of your grandparents for sentimental reasons and don't worry about what your parents decide to gift your siblings and move on.

I put my life on pause for three months to care for my mum night and day until she died. I knew my two siblings who'd had no contact with her until she was diagnosed with cancer, and even then didn't do any of the care, would get their share of inheritance. I was absolutely fine with that because they were still her children equally regardless of the care they provided.

I didn't care for her for the inheritance, I did it out of love as I'm sure you did. The two things are completely seperate issues. Your siblings were still the grandchildren, it would be terrible if your parents decided not to give them a share of the inheritance and did you. If you don't want your share you don't need to take it or reframe it in your head, now that your parents have come into money they want to financially gift all their children.

If I was grabby I would be upset that my aunt, who hasn’t had a relationship with my grandparents for 15 years was benefiting, but I’m not as it was what they wanted.

It’s my siblings and the excitement.

Been there. It hurts. It’s valid that it hurts. But know that your grandparents loved and appreciated you.

TBH id be more concerned around your parents’ poor financial decision, if they have the opportunity to clear debt they should probably take it rather than ‘treating’ everyone. Your siblings have also given you a clear indication on how they view their elders. Take note.

If I’ve said that, I must have poorly worded something, I do not think I should get more, I think we should have all got nothing.

This is my reasoning, better put than I did in my post.

Ah we don't get decide what other people do with their money though, despite what we think would be best for them.

I'd be a little unavoidably hurt too.

Well, at least you know now how your parents feel about the value of caregivers and they'll be needing more care eventually.

Hopefully they and your siblings don't already see you as the established free carer of the family.

I can understand that feeling. I was so upset when my sister died that I didn't want anything. But a little later I regretted it.
Why don't you buy yourself something in memory of your grandparents so every time you see it/wear it you can remember them and the loving care you provided.
Don't waste time thinking about your siblings. Just take comfort knowing that you were there for them when they needed you.

so the inheritance your parent got was £8k, they are basically dividing it in 4 so that they/you/each of your siblings get £2k?

and you'd prefer they used the £8k to deal with existing debts?

You said you cared for your GP for no other reason than out of love and care.
Yet, you now have an expectation that you should receive more inheritance than your siblings.

Money being passed down generations in a family is just what happens for family prosperity. In most cases it isn't in any way a proxy for love or depth of relationships, it is entirely separate. Your love for and relationship with your grandparent is its own reward; knowing you did what you felt was the right thing and that they knew you loved them. It may be too late now but other ways of demonstrating your relationship as more close than that with your siblings, could be mentioning you differently in the obituary or during the funeral service, or giving you first option at choosing something of the grandparent's (an ornament or furniture etc)

No, they got £12,000. Keeping £4000 giving away £8000

i understood the situation as @Tryagain26 did, it was exactly as you posted it.

I absolutely understand why you feel the way you do. You’re not ‘grabby’ as someone suggested above🙄 It just stings not to have any special acknowledgement of the love and kindness you showed your grandmother compared with your siblings who didn’t darken her door. But your parent, whose money it became, chose to treat all their children the same, which is completely understandable. I would do the same, simply because I love my children equally. I wonder if there’s a little keepsake you could have that would have particular memories for you? I do think that many people have romantic notions of being a carer. Yes, you do it out of love. Yes, you do it out of duty. But it can be an absolute thankless slog that sucks the life out of you. If a stranger was providing the care, they would get paid. But if you are emotionally attached to the person, you get nothing, even though it takes more away from you as someone who actually loves the person. It is complex.

I don’t think my siblings should benefit from my grandparents as they did nothing.

My grandparents wanted the money to go to their children not to us.

They didn’t see our grandparents.

They are sending me handbag pictures.

I don’t give a shit about handbags as £1000 I give a shit about my grandparents.

Accept with grace…….you know you did your absolute best to make your GP life comfortable. This is your parents inheritance and they wish to share with their own children.

Yes, it's unfair. Life is unfair. The only person you will hurt by feeling resentful and upset is you. Take the £2K, enjoy it, and forget about the rest.

It’s not about the money is it at all. People aren’t understanding that and focusing on the money.

I would be annoyed too, OP. Your parent should acknowledge the hard work you put in looking after their parent. Caring is a thankless task. I would recommend that anyone caring for an elderly parent should take fair payment for the hours they do if the relative has money. If anyone else wants to step up, they can be paid too.

No it’s not.

I’m not grabby. I don’t want more.

I am upset they are getting money not meant for them and don’t understand how upset I am.

I haven’t said anything about the money or how I am feeling to anyone accept here.

Turn it down then?

Your parent is allowed to offer their children a gift, and your siblings are allowed to accept.

Can you not think that if your parent died then they would leave this £2000 presumably to each of their children as part of their estate anyway? So the same thing would happen, just on a time-delay and you'd be less conscious of any unfairness.

This is just the same thing happening, only without the time lapse.

I can’t talk about it in real life. I’ve not said anything at all yet.