Inheritance One

[Chocolatefiregaurd]

I need some impartial opinions.

I will try and keep a very, very long story short.

Grandparent has died. I provided 90% of care prior to their passing. It was hard.

I never expected anything financially as the will was clear and it wasn’t a secret, everything was to be split between their children equally. I provided the care because I wanted too not because I thought I would benefit in some way.

Here is the AIBU.

My parent has received the money from the estate and would like to give myself and my siblings a financial gift.

They would like to give us £2000 each.

I feel really annoyed by this.

Neither of my siblings saw my grandparent for at least four years.

I suppose I feel miffed that I dedicated so much time and effort to providing care when they didn’t and that they will now benefit.

I have tried to work out what I would want to happen and I just don’t think it is fair they benefit.

I probably am being unreasonable as the money is now my parents to do what they want, it just stings I suppose.

Have your parents thanked you for what you did caring-wise? Have you managed to keep your career/ job going too?

My cousin and I did exactly this for our Grandmother.
Our mothers were her two daughters who had predeceased her.
Her money went equally to her 3 sons who were still alive.
We were never offered a penny.
It is what it is 🤷

Presumably they're thinking about the future and that potentially both of you might need to step in for them on the care front and they're giving you each an equal gift in the hope you may be supportive in future?

It's not and shouldn't be directly connected to the level of care you gave the nan. Really if you think you should benefit financially from that then it's her not leaving you anything you should be annoyed about.

Your mum didn't need to give either of you any of her inheritance.

I think you need to split the money from your thoughts of inheritance and not think of it as your grandparent’s anymore.

your grandparent gave their money to their children.

separately, your parents have come into some money and what they want to do with that money is give a little gift to each of their children.

if you can detach those two things then you might feel less upset by it.

I certainly think it's unreasonable if you have not benefited from a huge amount of appreciation for your devotion from your grandparents' children, including your parent.

Whether this comes in monetary form or not I think is up to the individual. I am not clear if you are saying your work has not being recognised or that it has but you'd like some money as a token of this.

While I wouldn't argue with the parent over money (as that puts you against your siblings) I would certainly complain more generally if I felt my dedication had not been fully appreciated by your parent and their siblings.

Edited to add that you say it's a very very long story so possibly there is more relevant info that you haven't told us.

I get you I’d feel the same it’s not about the money it’s about emotions and fairness. Your siblings not caring but still getting rewarded must hurt. It is what it is. It’s understandable, but you know the comfort and love you gave to your grandparent and that is priceless. That is what really matters and that’s what you can hold onto xx

I think you just to tell your siblings you don’t want to be included in their discussions about what they are spending the money because you are grieving at the loss of Grandad and are finding it in bad taste.

I think you need to add in a separation point.

the £2000 you and siblings are receiving is not inheritance. It is nothing to do with your grandparent. It is a gift from your parents.

You cannot expect that they would give only one child a financial gift surely? If you can view it as a gift from your parents then your annoyance will go away.

No, OP doesn't think that any of the grandchildren, including herself, should be getting money from her grandparent's estate. She wishes that her parent, who inherited £12k from OP's grandparent, would use the money to pay off their £8k debt instead of giving away £8k to her children.

Your parents have come into some money and want to share it with their children. This is a nice thing to do.
You're looking at it in a very strange way. The connection between the money is your parents to their children, not your grandparents and their grandchildren. Regardless of what contact they had with the grandparents, your parents are presumably close enough to want to share their money.
I think grief is clouding your judgement. But inheritance is not a reward or payment for anything. It's a choice people make about what to do with their money. Your parents are still alive so it's even more true that it's up to them what they spend their money on.

I don’t think your appear grabby, OP. My understanding of the situation, in summary, is:

• You chose to care for your GP and did so out of love, and not inheritance, which you knew all along was being gifted to your parents in the will.
• You don’t expect your parents to share any of their inheritance with you & your siblings.
• You’re upset that your parents have gifted some of their inheritance to you & your siblings. However, you perhaps justify your own share as deserving because you cared for your GP, whereas your siblings didn’t.

I can see why you’re frustrated, but this just boils down to the matter of your parents choosing to gift some of their inheritance to their children. The caring part is irrelevant- they’ve obviously just decided to gift a certain amount and share it equally between you all. I think you’ll just have to find a way to move on mentally from the frustration you feel OP, otherwise it will keep simmering and the only person that will really affect is you.

I am afraid it is contradictory. You start by clearly saying you did not expect anything for looking after grandad.
You then explain he has left money to his children. All as expected.
But then you complain that your parent is sharing what grandad left in equal measure. And you feel aggrieved because you looked after grandad more.

I don't think you are grabby OP and I am sorry for your loss.

This isn't about the money YOU are getting, this is about the money THEY are getting, more than anything and you are right in thinking that it is unfair that they benefit from the death of someone they didn't even seem to care that much about. That must hurt.

However I agree with a PP who said reframe this as a gift from your parents, and nothing to do with your grandmother and it may help you get your head around it better.

Your parents WANT you all to have an equal share, hence giving you 2K each. Let them do this if they want to. It may well be that your grandmother asked them to give you a little each when she passed.

When my lovely Mum passed away, she had spoken to me previously and asked me if I would please give some of what I stood to inherit (5/50 split with my brother) to my daughters, her grandchildren. I obviously promised I would and I stood by that promise and they had 3K each. But it was labelled as a gift from my parents, and not from me.

Both my daughters would not have accepted anymore than this as they wanted me to enjoy MY inheritance but also understood that this was the wish of their grandparents so accepted. So bear in mind this could be a similar situation.

If I were you I would accept it gratefully and try and ignore the reaction of your siblings who are the ones that are coming across as grabby.

I feel annoyed that they are excited by a windfall and how they are going to spend it, when I was the primary carer and they are not acknowledging my grief just their windfall for doing fuck all.

I do understand your frustration that your parents didn't take care of their debt. Sorry for your loss, op.

This isn't about the money YOU are getting, this is about the money THEY are getting, more than anything and you are right in thinking that it is unfair that they benefit from the death of someone they didn't even seem to care that much about. That must hurt.

This is it really. I am not a grabby person.

You do sound like you're trying to have your cake and eat it here.

If you genuinely didn't want anything for providing care, then you should see the offered £2000 as a nice bonus you weren't expecting.

If you think you should get more - or your siblings get less - because you provided care, then clearly it isn't true that you wanted nothing for providing care.

Your opinion that it would benefit your parents to keep it is irrelevant - it's their money and their decision how best to use it.

Decline accepting it. They can’t force you to take it.
this is a gift from your parents who are treating their children equally. Not inheritance from a grandparent

You cannot manage their emotions. And you are not responsible for them.
Only your own.

I honestly don't think you are.

I think you are just struggling with what you feel is the unfairness of it all. And I totally get it.

But I would graciously accept the financial gift as I feel its what your grandmother would have wanted and try not to let this eat you up too much as it is what it is.

You need to take the emotional side out of it as much as you can.

If your parents came into money some other way would it upset you that they are treating you and your sibling the same? You aren't being given this money because you did the caring, you are being given it because your parents have come into money.

Many people get inheritances from relatives they didn't have much to do with or even know about.
You are grieving, they aren't, so of course this is going to be hard for you but you have to separate your feelings about the inheritance from your actual grief.
Enjoy your share maybe take a lovely break somewhere. Sounds like you deserve it.

Feeling angry at that is totally justified. Your siblings should feel humbled that they are receiving money indirectly from someone they didn't make any effort for. You can't do anything about it, though. They are showing that they are not very classy people and you know you have different values.

It’s 2 grand - I couldn’t get het up about that

This is why I think that when a child/grandchild goes over and above with caring it’s better to give them money (if you can afford it) at the time. I get it OP and don’t think you’re grabby. That said you’ve done was right for you, now you need to decide if you would do it again knowing that your parent seems to have expected it with no/little acknowledgment either verbally or financially,