Inheritance One

[Chocolatefiregaurd]

I need some impartial opinions.

I will try and keep a very, very long story short.

Grandparent has died. I provided 90% of care prior to their passing. It was hard.

I never expected anything financially as the will was clear and it wasn’t a secret, everything was to be split between their children equally. I provided the care because I wanted too not because I thought I would benefit in some way.

Here is the AIBU.

My parent has received the money from the estate and would like to give myself and my siblings a financial gift.

They would like to give us £2000 each.

I feel really annoyed by this.

Neither of my siblings saw my grandparent for at least four years.

I suppose I feel miffed that I dedicated so much time and effort to providing care when they didn’t and that they will now benefit.

I have tried to work out what I would want to happen and I just don’t think it is fair they benefit.

I probably am being unreasonable as the money is now my parents to do what they want, it just stings I suppose.

@Chocolatefiregaurd you said you didn't do ot with the hope of money so I don't understand why you are irked by your parents deciding to give each of theor children £2k from their money, albeit money arising from an inheritance.

TBF I feel annoyed for DH. He isn't annoyed. MIL's estate will split equally three ways. Hos sisters have lived thousands of miles away for 40 years, rarely visit, treat mil's house like an hotel when they do and one decided not to attend her father's funeral because the trip would be too stressful for her. She's also the one who doesn't bother ringing her mother on Christmas Day. Their third will be life changing for them and I imagine they will be in the UK faster than I can say Jack Robinson when the time comes.

Meanwhile DH does the 450 mile round trip monthly and has for nearly 20 years. This is now every two weeks, does the admin, the garden, manages (and pays for) carers, etc.

I have to go along withit, but honestly, I think DH should get half.

@Chocolatefiregaurd Caring for an elderly relative can be very, very tiring and stressful and is very hard, as you have said in your post. No matter how much you love the person(s) being cared for. It's even harder when there are other people who COULD help with the caring and make your life a little bit easier and choose not to. I have personal experience of this.

One of the stages of grief is being angry. Unfortunately sometimes the anger can then be directed elsewhere and I suspect that the 'inheritance'; is what yours has found to be an outlet. You are angry at your siblings - understandably so, since their behaviour is very unkind to you, who cared very much about your grandparent and they don't understand, because they are not hurting in the same way.

Would it help to acknowledge that you are angry with them for NOT caring enough when their Grandparent needed the help - but also acknowledge that your parents are doing what they feel they need to do, to treat all their children the same way, when they have some money. From your parents point of view, they won't feel they can do anything else? I understand you would rather they settled some debts of their own, but if they decide otherwise, then that is their choice.

You can still feel angry with your siblings, but the two are actually different things, which given the situation have become the same thing in your mind, when actually they are not? Don't know if that's helpful or not, but I do feel for you and I do understand why you feel the way you do.

You are being deliberately obtuse. OP has said many times that she doesn't want any money. She doesn't want her siblings to have any of the money. She wants her parent who inherited £12k to keep that money to pay of their debts.

Providing hand-on care for a grandparent is a selfless act. Not many people would do this. OP didn't want or expect her grandparent to leave her any money in return for providing care. She didn't want or expect her parent to give her or her siblings a share of their inheritance.

No she sounds like she is human and she is grieving.

Op, when you were caring for them, did it wind you up then? We don't like what we aren't. Or did you feel that they "should" have done some caring? It's all complicated isnt it family stuff.

At the end of the day this is an equal gift from your parents to you and your siblings. This is their choice. Where the money came from or why is irrelevant really as this is THEIR gift to you all. You have to view it like this.

You can’t monetise what you did and it only hurts you to resent the others.

I'm so sorry for your loss, OP. I don't think you sound grabby at all, you sound very caring of your parent and grapdparent, and are clearly grieving the loss of your grandparent.

You cared out of love and are missing them dreadfully, did not expect and actually don't want any of the money. Your siblings on the other hand are not emotionally involved and see the £2k as a nice windfall. And you want better for your parent, and for them to use the inheritance to look after themselves first.

Your parent will do what they want with what is now their money, but I hope that you can share your grief with them. I completely understand that it must hurt that your siblings are only thinking about what to buy, while you're coming to terms with your loss.

I think the fact that people are finding this tricky to understand says more about them that you tbh. All the best to you.

So it's really about your parent treating you and your sibling equally, regardless of your sublings efforts toward family.

Yanbu to be cheesed off.

I think all you can do is mentally note it and be glad you went to the effort for the relatives sake but take note that your parent can whistle if they expect more care from you than the sibling in future.

So what do you want? Lots of mixed messages in your posts.

I am sorry for your loss, try to think of the special relationship you had with your grandparent as something your siblings missed out on and can now never know.

I'm sorry for your loss. It sounds like you did a great job looking after your relative. Regarding the inheritance, I think that as others have said, you need to stop thinking of this as your grandparent's money. It stopped being this as soon as your parent inherited it. Now your parent has a windfall and they're sharing it equally between their kids, as is reasonable. Try to make that emotional break if you can.

I get it Op. Nobody would appreciate beneficiaries rubbing their hands together and excitedly talking about what they’re going to spend their money on while you’re there in the throes of grief. It wouldn’t matter if you had inherited a million pounds, and they had inherited 10k. If they’re standing there acting like that, that’s what your problem is.

As others have said, this is a gift from their parents. They had no relationship with their grandparents so they’re not going to be sad. Unfortunately they don’t seem to be sensitive enough to act appropriately around the people who they should know are going to be sad. This is separate from money. Just accept your gift from your parents and don’t worry about their debt - that’s their business and not yours.

Now you know what kind of people your siblings are I suppose. I’m sorry for your loss.

Your parents are being totally unfair usually looking after an aged parent falls to the child not the grandchild. You’ve saved your parents a huge amount of work and time I don’t understand their thinking but they’ve got it all wrong. It’s awful that the death of your grandparent has left such a bad taste bit of your parents and ability to accept what really happened

Haven’t read all the replies, but have you spoken to your parent about this - ‘Dad, I find it a bit difficult that you are gifting us all the same amount from granny, given the other three weren’t involved in her care’?

It’s up to him, but why not have the conversation?

I think you need to stop seeing the money as belonging to your grandparent.

Your parents inherited, in line with the will, and in line with your expectations of the will. You are very comfortable with the asset divide, and that is the topic over.

Separately, your parents have found themselves in a position where they’re able to gift each of their children £2,000. The amount is equal because their love for you is, and they are treating you fairly. I’m sorry for your loss, and your grandparent sounds lucky to have had you, but you’re dissatisfaction at your parents generosity is misguided. If you don’t want £2,000 from them, ask them to make a donation in your name to a charity you care about.

I get it @Chocolatefiregaurd When my mum died she left nearly a million pounds (very unexpected- she lived like a pauper. We didn't know she had that sort of money) to be shared equally between myself and my three siblings.

For the five years before my mums death I was pretty much her carer. When she was at home, I cooked and shopped for her, I escorted her on her many medical appointments. I took care of her life admin. When she went into care I cleared and sold her house. I visited her regularly and advocated for her. It was hard work and an absolute burden. She wasn't a nice woman. She was not a loving parent. She was verbally and physically abusive in our childhoodbut there was no one else around to help her. During that time my sister visited once and my bothers never did.

i was her executor. It took 2 years of hard work to settle her estate and I am hugely resentful that I did so much and my siblings did fuck all but they got the exact same amount as I did.

I can honestly say it's not about the money. DH and I didn't need it so we did a deed of variation and passed my share directly to our adult children but the injustice of it really bugs me.

It didn’t wind me up as such but for example, they would arrange, let’s say a lunch and they’d message the sibling group about it.

I couldn’t go as I had to go to my grandparents and provide care. They didn’t seem to understand I had commitments for a relative that was also theirs.

This will be me.
YANBU OP whatsoever.
I’ve been sole support to my parents for 6 plus years. Do everything, medical admin, life admin, shopping during Covid, pretty much everything they can’t do for themselves.
On the other hand my only sibling rings less than once a week, visits maybe twice a year, their child rarely rings or visits their grandparents (but gets handouts all the time), but when the time comes the vast estate will be split in 3. A third to me (to share with my partner who does a lot for them too), a third to my sibling and a third to their child. It should be a 50/50 split but I know it won’t be.
It boils my piss but nothing I can do.
At least I can look myself in the mirror and know I did right by my parents.

They didn't care, OP. You can't make them care but you're absolutely right to feel that the seeming injustice stings.
At least you have no regrets, don't let this sour your memory.
I hope they treat your parents better if the time ever comes that they need support but I suspect you'll be the last woman standing - again.

Was there a reason that you ended up caring for your grandparent and not your parents. That's quite unusual.

My parent did a bit but they didn’t really like their parent very much.

And they aren’t really very good when it comes to intimate/personal care.

I cared for my gtrandparent too. My sister had only met him twice as a child and had never seen or spoke to him since. ( I met him again as an adult and began caring for him shortly after meeting him. I cared for him for 7 years) Mum gave me 10k and my sister 2k. I thought it was fair my sister didn’t

Obiv you don't need to accept the money your parents choose to give you, you can use your voice and say you would rather they had it and used it on their debts.

It is their money, it was left to them if they choose to give some of it to all of their children, that's their choice.

It's disgusting. Money and loss. It never occured to me the 2 were connected, until it was too late.

.

I would have felt the same! Not because I would have cared for them to get money out of it but because the people that they didn’t care will also get equal amount. Feels unfair. Sorry for what happened!