Inheritance One

[Chocolatefiregaurd]

I need some impartial opinions.

I will try and keep a very, very long story short.

Grandparent has died. I provided 90% of care prior to their passing. It was hard.

I never expected anything financially as the will was clear and it wasn’t a secret, everything was to be split between their children equally. I provided the care because I wanted too not because I thought I would benefit in some way.

Here is the AIBU.

My parent has received the money from the estate and would like to give myself and my siblings a financial gift.

They would like to give us £2000 each.

I feel really annoyed by this.

Neither of my siblings saw my grandparent for at least four years.

I suppose I feel miffed that I dedicated so much time and effort to providing care when they didn’t and that they will now benefit.

I have tried to work out what I would want to happen and I just don’t think it is fair they benefit.

I probably am being unreasonable as the money is now my parents to do what they want, it just stings I suppose.

This isn't about inheritance, it's about your parents wanting to share a financial windfall with their children, which is a kind action on their part. If they gave more to one child than to the others, it would almost certainly cause resentment and they presumably don't want that, they want all their children to be happy. Try just being happy about being given a gift of money, it's not difficult!

They need to pay off debt.

The thing is, once it's your mum's* money, which it is, she can do whatever she likes with it. Blow it on the pools, pay off debt, give it to Battersea Dog's Home...

What she's chosen to do is give each of her children a cash gift. Where that money originated is irrelevant now that it's hers.

• Or dad. Whichever.

They've chosen not to. You just have to move on.

then what do you want?

The confusing part is the not wanting your siblings to have anything. I don't want money so they shouldn't get any either.

Your parents have chosen to pass on some of it, nothing to do with their parent.

Bereavement is a funny thing. It makes an awful lot of people think and behave in slightly bonkers ways.

Sorry for your loss.

But that's in your opinion. Maybe they think they are servicing the debt pretty well already and the windfall should be spread among their offspring. Maybe they don't care about the debt.

You deciding that they 'should' pay off their debt is nothing to do with them giving their children money.

Giving adult children unequal amounts of money from an inheritance inevitably causes resentment, that’s probably what your parent wants to avoid.

Also, the money was never yours. As such it’s up to your parent to decide what they do with THEIR money. Your grandmother could easily have made provision for you and your siblings in her will so I feel you should be grateful to have the opportunity to give the £2K to charity or whatever and make a bit of a difference to others, as you say you don’t want the money.

The first part of your post is contradictory to the second part. You clearly did hope to inherit something in return for the care you gave.

No.

Everything was always being split between their children.

Just give your parents back the £2k

Yeah I'm not sure I would accept £2k and buy a luxury handbag if the giver was in debt. Do you think it might help to talk to your siblings about this even if you don't bring your feelings about your grandparents into it?

In terms of grieving I wonder if you would be able to keep something physical of theirs and make a memory box or photo album or plant a rose bush or something to remember them by? I'm sorry your siblings aren't sharing in the same level of grief, that sounds really hard for you.

It's tough going, it is and I understand it feels unfair. But just take pride that you're a kinder, more thoughtful person than your siblings, who helped your elderly family when they needed it. Money you have no control of, but the type of person you are you do and you did a lovely thing. Try and let the rest go.

You saying your siblings shouldn't get anything because they did nothing contradicts you saying you didn't expect any inheritance because you cared for them.

I think most people understand that the children of the people they give their inheritance to will (at some point) benefit from that money.
If your grandparents really didn't want your siblings to have any money I guess they could have made the conditions clear in the Will.

If it’s not about the money and you don’t want the money, then don’t take it.

You are being unfair to your parents. It’s their money and they can do what they want with it. They want to give it to their children, just like your grandparents wanted to help your parents.

It is your parent's money, so they can spend it how they want. They don't have to give anyone anything, and could put it all on a horse in the 4.30 at Ascot..... frankly, you may never know.
If they offer you a gift, just accept gratefully. That's it.

When my grandmother got really unwell with dementia she came to live at my parent's house where she was cared for by my mum until her death. My mum was the executor to her will. When the house sold it was split between the 3 children despite my mum being the carer. My nan also left £1k to each of her grandchildren, even though two of them didn't bother with her at all. It is what it is.

YABU to think you can have a say on what your parent chooses to do with their inheritance.

Unfortunately you come across as grabby and entitled, even though you don't mean to. You need to remember your grandparent with affection and not let this supposed unfair division of money affect you. Be proud of yourself for providing the care that you did.

But they're not going to, so that raises the possibility they'd instead have used the money for/towards something else their kids might ultimately benefit from.

I do get where you're coming from. This isn't about you receiving an inheritance, it's about people receiving one who you don't think deserve it. But them's the breaks with this sort of thing. Even when you know what the will said and could feel reasonably sure it wouldn't be changed, any/all of their DC could've chosen to disclaim their share and vary it.

If your parents had won the lottery and wanted to split it in the same way would you be angry? The source of the money needs to be separated here. Presumably they aren’t giving it to you because you cared for your grandad, but because you are one of their children.

sorry for your loss

That is not for you to decide. Please don't assume you know what's best for them just because they are above a certain age.

Try to see it for what it truly is - your parent has inherited money (regardless of source) and they want to share some of it with their children.

Think of it as your parent’s money, not your deceased grandparent’s money.

Ofcourse it's not. I understand you but try to not think about it and hope for karma to do the work.

I think given the circs, if your parents are happy to give £8k away, they should give your siblings £1k each, and give you £5k, to acknowledge your dedication and help. I think that would be fair.

It's no longer your grandparent's money. It's now your parent's money, focus on that.

Let's say your parent had won the money on a scratch card, would you still feel the way you do? If so, why?

Finally, consider this. The situation is not making you feel the way you do. You are choosing to feel as you do as your response to the situation. Let me repeat that. You are choosing this negative emotional response. You can choose to have a different one and if you did then you, and likely everyone else involved, would be happier for it. So choose a different emotional response. You can do it if you want to.