Inheritance One

[Chocolatefiregaurd]

I need some impartial opinions.

I will try and keep a very, very long story short.

Grandparent has died. I provided 90% of care prior to their passing. It was hard.

I never expected anything financially as the will was clear and it wasn’t a secret, everything was to be split between their children equally. I provided the care because I wanted too not because I thought I would benefit in some way.

Here is the AIBU.

My parent has received the money from the estate and would like to give myself and my siblings a financial gift.

They would like to give us £2000 each.

I feel really annoyed by this.

Neither of my siblings saw my grandparent for at least four years.

I suppose I feel miffed that I dedicated so much time and effort to providing care when they didn’t and that they will now benefit.

I have tried to work out what I would want to happen and I just don’t think it is fair they benefit.

I probably am being unreasonable as the money is now my parents to do what they want, it just stings I suppose.

I’m sorry for your loss but not sure what you want here - did you want your parents to potentially create a family rift by giving you more than your siblings? Also, you say you didn’t provide the care for money but are now upset about the money? I can see it’s frustrating but I think I would have done the same in your parents’ position. Your grandparents could have changed their wills if they wanted you to get more money. Enjoy the £2k, it’s a nice amount of treat money!

I’m not sure it’s reasonable to say you provided care without any expectation of benefit, and then be annoyed that you aren’t benefitting more than your siblings because you provided care.

Your grandparent left the money to their children. It’s now your parent’s money, and they want to give equally to their children. It’s not unreasonable.

YABQU. Understand that you would have liked an extra thanks for all your care, but you gave it freely at the time and can't change your position now.

I never expected anything, but my siblings are rubbing their hands together at their windfall, whilst I am still devastated at the loss and I suppose annoyed that they got anything someone they didn’t care about.

I don’t want extra.

The loss and the money are two separate things. Just try and cherish the memories you have with your grandparents that your siblings don’t have.

I understand why it stings, but not everyone is cut out to be a carer, and your parent has to be seen to be fair.

I'm sure your work was massively appreciated by your grandparent, what a lovely thing to do.

They've received the money from their parent though.

As a parent, I'd struggle to gift different amounts to my children, it just wouldn't feel right.

Yabu and very grabby.
its still their grandparent.
id try to focus on the fact that you were able to spend time and comfort your grandparent, not monetise it

Yet you aren't grabby...
My well off relative died. I got 10k which literally paid the debt ex had left me with. Her carer got her 375k house... I assume she damn well earned it! My relative had gone nc with me as I was unable to care for her.
I still wanted a relationship with her but she only wanted a carer. Sad she died not caring about me not the other way round. Yabu to judge the feelings of guru siblings. They may well have cared just didn't want a carer role.

I'm one of 5 siblings. I provided care for my parents, none of my siblings bothered. But I wanted to do it, I didn't do it for any other reason than I loved them and wanted to help.

Now they've passed away I'm dealing with their estate. It will be split 5 ways equally. We are all their children and I don't want to be financially compensated for anything.

I look back and see how close we were, the lovely memories and don't regret it. It's what I wanted to do. Whereas some of my siblings feel guilt and regret.

I think you should just accept the money, and see the care you gave as a separate thing.

I don’t want anything. I’d rather my parent kept it all which was what was expected so they could have a better life.

Entirely different situation. My siblings have no feelings for this person. Which is fine.

If you don't want the money you could donate it to your grandparents favourite charity.

But everyone including your parents needs to make their own choices about how to spend their money.
I suspect your anger is really down to grief from your loss . You couldn't control that loss or the way it happened and are left with some family members who possibly mean a bit less to you than your grandmother. Its so painful.

Yes it’s still the other sibling’s grandparent, but the sibling didn’t bother seeing their grandparent for 4 years. They evidently weren’t bothered or they would have made some sort of effort to visit.

I get it OP, I've been in a similar position myself, it does seem unfair...but in situations like this the only fair thing is that all inheritances are equally split.

Currently going through a horrid situation where one DC is insisting on taking the full share of a deceased relatives estate (leaving their sibling nothing, as per the will) despite having also benefited from taking an equal share of another inheritance. It's causing a lot of aggravation that could be avoided if everything was just divided equally, rather than parties feeling hard done by because they provided more care etc. Its the only fair way.

But the GP didn't gift them anything, op parents did from their inheritance.

I suppose I feel miffed that I dedicated so much time and effort to providing care when they didn’t and that they will now benefit.

so on the one hand you did the care and didn't expect anything in return, then you are miffed because you did the care for your relative and deserve some money more.

give your head a wobble, you sound grabby

No you only want them to have a better life because it's £2,000. If it was £50,000 you'd want to have a better life,

No.

I don’t think we should get anything.

When you provide care out of love and are devastated by the loss and all your siblings talk about is what they are going to get it brings out a lot of feelings that might not seem to be rational to other people.

They are allowed to feel excited and I am allowed to feel angry.

The £8000 would pay off some of their debt.

Your parent has an inheritance and wants to use a bit of it to give a gift to his/her children.

Would it help to dissociate the money from your grandparent and just see it as an equal gift from parent to children?

You can't have it both ways

I think that’s the way forward for me.

I am being called grabby and I’m not. It’s not about that.