AIBU to set boundaries with a friend in mental health crisis

[bagpuss90]

Please be kind here… My friend is going through a mental health crisis , she lives miles away from me - so I can’t support her in person. She refuses to seek any professional help. She calls me several times a day -even when I’m at work, crying , sobbing , saying she can’t go on. I’m in a much better place than she is - so I do my best to support her- she doesn’t really have anyone else to turn to. I was away for a few days last week and I can honestly say it ruined my break. If I step back - I’m honestly worried she will do something. But it’s pulling me down so much - it’s really startIng to impact on my mental health . The last thing I want to do is desert her tho but I think I’m going to have to put some boundaries in place Any ideas?

‘I can’t see an end to it’ .

Put bluntly, not your circus. How long has she been like this with you? Weeks? Months? Six months plus? You probably said everything you can, again and again, and the situation hasn’t resolved. So time to withdraw. You can even say to her that you’ve been speaking to her for this long, and she’s no better, so it’s time to contact the professionals, and cut down contact. Don’t feel guilty, and she will have a hissy fit, it’s par for the course, but she’ll soon find someone else to leach onto.

Although you say you resent her calls, are you a people pleaser? Or do you like feeling needed? A saviour complex?

Read up on Borderlime Personality Disorder aka Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder aka Emotional Dysregulation disorder.
You don't have to desert her but you need to put boundaries in place and encourage jer to see a GP.

Hi OP I’ve been in exactly your position and I really sympathise. It feels cruel to contemplate not answering your phone but you really do have to put in some boundaries…I learned this after getting to the end of my tether with it. It’s also about reaching the point in your own mind where you recognise that however much you care, you’re not ultimately responsible for another person’s actions.

My first change was to start being really clear that I won’t be answering my phone when I’m away. The first time I did this I said ‘Just so you know I won’t be contactable next week as I’m on holiday and have decided I need a complete break from my phone and messages too.’ And then I ignored the phone when it rang (as I knew it would!) and after the first couple of days it stopped happening. Now when I go away I just say’I’m away next week, catch up when I get back’. I sometimes get a ‘when are you back?’ message mid week but I ignore it until I get home. Sticking to what you have said you will do is key to making a change.

Secondly I’ve started restricting the times when I’m available for calls. I will ignore calls during certain hours and will then call back at a later more convenient time and say ‘I see you called earlier but I was working/seeing a friend/shopping or whatever, just to make it clear that I’ve got other stuff to do. It gives me more of a sense of control over the whole thing (previous to this I felt stressed that I might get a call at any moment and felt I had to take it) and it starts to train the other person that you are not going to drop everything every time they are struggling and want you in that moment. I’m convinced it’s healthier for them because they have to learn other strategies - which at some point will hopefully be getting professional help.

Lastly, when I have calls that go along the lines of ‘I don’t want to go on’ or ‘I might as well end it all now’, I’ve started asked very direct questions rather than trying to reassure. So I might ask ‘Ok is this a thought you are seriously considering acting on? If so here is the number you need to phone…’. I try to be calm and kind but very practical. It takes the responsibility from you and puts it back on the other person, which is what is needed. I obviously can’t speak for your friend, but the person I’m dealing with usually says these things because she wants me to validate how hard things are for her and she finds comfort (it seems to me) in having someone else feeling stressed about it all too. I also sometimes gently challenge and say ‘Now X are you really serious about that because it’s not appropriate to make idle threats like that. If you are serious then obviously you need more help than I’m able to give. Here is the service you need….’

Good luck with it all!

Oh OP this is me with a friend and it’s taking over my life! I can’t cope with her any more - everyone says just don’t answer the phone but what if the day I don’t answer is the day she chucks herself off a bridge. I couldn’t live without that and it’s really nearly where we are with this.

Bluntly, it’s her decision, and her life. If she chooses to end it because someone doesn’t answer the phone, that’s not on you. And bring emotionally blackmailed with suicide threats isn’t something you need to put up with.

I've been thinking about this and I wonder if you could have something to say that's caring , loving , supportive but that keeps repeating that there are great steps she could take that might help. Like ' I love you so much and wish I could make it better , but here is a list of steps to work through and I really think if you manage one of these steps a day that you could find hope and a way out' maybe ask AI or a MH charity to help with the list . And then when you speak or reply you are kind of saying/ repeating the same message which is supportive and loving but reiterates that the power is not with you ? Hope that makes some kind of sense. Sorry it must be so hard x

This is like the brother in love actually.
You need to write to her telling her when you can and can’t talk and stick to the boundary. If she texts saying she is suicidal send the police to her every time.

I had a friend who went through (still is most likely) a breakdown. I supported her,visited her weekly when she was sectioned, listened to her rants on the phone. But after her third round at the psychiatric hospital I had to pull back. I realised I was doing her absolutely no good at all. And she was getting scary. She’d show up at my door barely dressed having not washed in weeks. She said she’d broken in to neighbours houses looking for money and booze. She’d wet the bed instead of getting up to go to the toilet. I couldn’t cope with her anymore. She’s get sectioned then weeks would pass after she got out and she’d call sounding almost her old self. Then a couple weeks later she’d call and it was back to the same old thing. I eventually blocked her. It was such an abrupt change from the capable, self made businesswoman I knew but there was a line I had to draw.

There are so many telephone helplines; Samaritans, SHOUT, NHS 111 MH line to name a few. There are people trained and ready to listen on those lines it does not have to be you all the time. I suggest making it explicit that you are finding it too much and will be taking a step back for your own sanity. Put boundaries on when you will accept calls and messages and tell her explicitly what those are and stick to them whatever the reaction. No one is ever responsible for someone else’s behaviour

Exactly this - poor you 😢

This is the situation I was in and I was being controlled by it. It’s not on you if this happens, you’ve done your best. Services need to step up - have you tried accessing any external help. My friend was “known to MH services” so I tried that route

I mean this in the kindest possible way, but If she decides to chuck herself of a bridge, then that’s her decision to make, and totally on her, and has no bearing on you. You are not responsible for her health and wellbeing. Please read the advice given to op, and take them on board. Your friend is manipulating you, by coming across the victim, but the only person who can help her is herself and the professionals.