AIBU to set boundaries with a friend in mental health crisis

[bagpuss90]

Please be kind here… My friend is going through a mental health crisis , she lives miles away from me - so I can’t support her in person. She refuses to seek any professional help. She calls me several times a day -even when I’m at work, crying , sobbing , saying she can’t go on. I’m in a much better place than she is - so I do my best to support her- she doesn’t really have anyone else to turn to. I was away for a few days last week and I can honestly say it ruined my break. If I step back - I’m honestly worried she will do something. But it’s pulling me down so much - it’s really startIng to impact on my mental health . The last thing I want to do is desert her tho but I think I’m going to have to put some boundaries in place Any ideas?

I think you need to be honest. Say that you don’t think your support is helping her and that’s because you aren’t professionally equipped to help her in the way she needs. Also let her know that you’re finding it really difficult to be there for her on call at any and all times, it’s just not sustainable or helpful for either of you. That you care for her and this is why you’re telling her this. Urge her to go to the gp, as the first port of call. - keep things friendly, caring but assertive. You’re doing the right thing, you can’t keep enabling this behaviour, and she can’t keep using you as a therapist x

@Polkadotpompom

”She doesn't actually want you to help her get better. She just wants your attention endlessly like an emotional vampire.”

I think you possibly could be right. She likes the attention and control she has over op, and she keeps op hooked by coming across emotional and in need. We may be doing friend a huge disfavour, but she’s not doing anything to help herself get better.

OP never give more than you can energy wise. Remember to put your oxygen mask on first! I have MH crisis every now and then (bipolar). I can have support from the home treatment team. Is she under a psychiatrist at the moment?

I say this as someone who's relative killed themselves... it's not your cross to bear.

You have been so kind being there, I have too to the point it nearly made me have a breakdown. We cannot be there for these people 24/7 it's impossible.

It's ok to draw boundaries. Give her some helpful numbers like the local crisis team and the samaritans. Encourage her yet again to go to the drs to get some meds and say you cannot answer anymore calls at work and you're taking a little step back because it's starting to affect you. If she does something it's not your fault at all.

I think given your friend has fallen out with her family and other friends and is not happy when you asked for professional advice for her then she is manipulating you a bit. Putting boundaries in is a good idea and reporting her if you are very concerned.

I’m sorry but by continuing to accept her calls etc. you aren’t actually helping her , you are just perpetuating the problem and enabling her to continue in this awful downwa4 spiral. Your friend needs professional help, but all the time you continue to be available in her mind she doesn’t need to seek any other help. I know getting help at the moment through the NHS is very difficult but if she is in crisis they will engage. You can’t let your own MH tank because you are constantly managing her calls / listening to her problems.

it will be tough but you need to set immediate boundaries , you won’t take calls surfing working hours or when you are on holiday. You will only speak to her 2 times weekly and that is dependent on her seeking professional help. You have been an incredible friend to keep persevering with her calls but you can’t continue.

next time she calls saying she can’t go on advise her to speak with Samaritans , you phone the police and advise someone is at risk of harm to themselves. this is not your circus or your monkey - tough as it sounds. Even if she doesn’t take it well it sets boundaries
land May get her into the system. All of her other friends have stepped back for their own well being because she has driven them away with her constant demands for time and drama. For your own well being please take a step back.

This person may cost you your job, your sanity, your peace and relaxation - and still it won’t be enough.

This is a futile toxic Co-dependent enmeshed dynamic where YOU are actually inadvertently enabling her MH decline. You need to see her as a compulsive toddler who is demanding to eat all the cookies - and the more you allow / enable this the iller she will become.

She is not your friend. There is nothing reciprocating, mutual or caring going on here. There is demands and domination.

You need to ‘manage’ her rather than see this as a friendship. You will do the best for her if you put in boundaries. She should not call you at work. You are not available for her to mentally download - signpost her to The Samaritans for that. Tell her you are available at x time for y minutes per week to talk about light stuff. As PP said - she needs a break from herself and this will be good for her.

If you don’t want to implode in your own life or explode at her YOU need to take some firm actions, boundaries, consequences, deadlines etc.

She sounds like she has a significant PD if she has fallen out with everyone around her and won’t seek help. This isn’t something you have any skill or responsibility to deal with and your current unboundaried approach could inadvertently be preventing her reaching her rock bottom where she seeks professional help.

Your own life, relationships, career is being eroded here for nothing - she isn’t getting better by you indulging her impulsive and compulsive demands. She needs to learn to self soothe and emotionally regulate herself.

No she isn’t

So what if she won’t take it well if you call the police on her for a welfare check? You aren’t taking it well that you’re on call for her apathetic misery multiple times a day. Put on your oxygen mask. Explain to her you aren’t coping, she needs to get professional help, you can’t answer the phone while at work and you will call the police for a welfare check next time she says she can’t go on. Say you need professional help and just leaning on me isn’t helping you and it is burning me out. I can’t continue with the support unless you’re engaging with professionals.

Japan is tempting!

OP I sympathise. I had a friend like this who started off lovely but started leaning on me to the point of daily crisis calls over the slightest issue. They could be hours long and usually the root cause was her over the top reactions rather than the situation itself. I tried subtly pointing this out but then spent hours placating her for what I'd said. She kept calling me her 'big sister'. but I didn't want that dubious honour, I just wanted to be her friend.

Frankly, the whole situation got extremely wearing and I started avoiding her calls. She cottoned on, became passive aggressive then started reams of WhatsApp conversations about what we should both expect from our friendship. In the end we decided to call it a day and she blocked me from everything. I felt very used after many hours supporting her but she was an emotional vampire and I couldn't let the situation carry on. Put distance in place now for your own sake.

I had a friend like this. She was exhausting and took all my energy. I ended up not picking up her calls/messages until the evening at 6ish. Then she reduced the amount of calls and messages. I was talking with another friend and we realised she was sending the same messages/phone calls to both of us! I stopped responding and within a week I felt wonderful.

Shes pulling you way down. You’ve got to be brave and rip the plaster off. The sky won’t fall in.

Believe me she’ll soon find some other sucker, they always do (no offence to you at all).

No, YANBU. You need to set boundaries for your own health and wellbeing. I have a vulnerable, reclusive relative who has given power of attorney to someone who lives abroad. Working through her care crisis and desperate calls for help or attention or company or care affects my sleep, my work, my family. You must put boundaries in place, especially if they are not prepared to seek help themselves.

Her being pissed off because she had a much needed police welfare check is fine. Rather that then hurting herself

i did something similar for many years. Then I realised I was being taken for a mug. Fortunately she had family but I think she’d kept it from them and used me as her mental punch bag.

I went on holiday and made it clear I would be unavailable and when I returned I didn’t contact her. I often wonder if she thought she’d dumped me but the relief was huge.

I won’t desert her, but the current situation just cannot continue. I agree about needing human connection and comfort . But she needs more help than I can ever give her . The situation is not improving- it’s going no where . I can’t see an end to it.

I had a friend once who's behaviour sounds very similar. In the early days of our 'friendship' she had just moved into the area and seemed to be in a crisis situation ( her relationship had broken up) so I gave her a lot of support similar to what you are doing. It took up so much of my time and mental energy. 3 years later she was still in crisis. I suspect that she had /has Borderline personality disorder ( also starting to be referred to as called 'Emotional deregulation disorder) She met all the criteria for this. No amount of help and support was ever enough, her suffering was genuine,but it is not possible to ' fix' her problems, you will burn out. She needs professional help and strict boundaries. Even mental health professionals find bpd difficult to treat unless the person is on board with the treatment. Eventually I withdraw from this unequal friendship ( though she had some great qualities as well) Because I withdrew ,in her eyes I became just someone else who had ' let her down ' and even though we still live in the same town,if we see each other out and about she looks through me as though I wasn't there. OP for your own mental health follow the advice of other posters and either withdraw from this or put very strong boundaries in place and be prepared to uphold them, easier said than done and be prepared to be completely blanked when you are no longer available 24/7 to her. Her life will be a neverending emotional crisis until she choses to engage with professional help.

OP let's suppose that it took such a toll on you that you ended up in therapy. The first thing that would be explained to you is that you can't change someone else's behaviour, you can only change your response to it. And there's a tension in this post from you. You know what she's doing is very bad for you but you still don't want to end it.

For as long as you keep answering the phone and listening, trying to suggest things, you are reinforcing her behaviour. She gets a reward from calling you so she keeps doing it. So you are part of the problem.

The only way this will stop is if you change what you do. And you have every right to change, there should be no guilt about doing so. If she did do something that is not your fault. Time to stop enabling her. Do not take her calls while you're at work. That is unfair on you and unprofessional on your part to answer. Outside of work tell her you will no longer be taking her calls because you can't help her and it's affecting you too much. It's OK to tell her that. Don't keep pretending it's fine for her to call as often and for as long as she wants. Whether or not she's being manipulative, she's certainly being very selfish. But you're doing nothing to stop it.

I'm wondering, from the post of yours I quoted, if you can be a people pleaser and find it difficult to say no. But she isn't calling you because you're her bestest friend and she needs you. Anyone who would take the time to listen to her would do.

She isn't going to change. Only you can stop it. Stop rewarding her and put in some very firm boundaries. If that's cutting contact that's still fine. But draw your boundaries where you're comfortable. Don't then feel that you have to give more than you want.

Is she under a psychiatrist

No she isn’t

This will make the process harder because she isn’t “known to services” - she needs a referral from her GP to the Adult Mental Health Community Team and fairly quickly but you can’t do that for her and if she won’t help herself there isn’t much you can do I’m afraid.

You are the only one who can change things, as she won’t. You are going to have to be cruel to kind here.

I've been in this exact situation, OP and it's exhausting. I'm sorry to say I let it go on for far too long, so I'm going to give you advice based on what I wish I'd done!

I would send a kind but clear message/email along the lines of

"Dear Friend,
I am sorry that you're going through a difficult time and I want to help, but I am starting to feel out of my depth. As your friend, I am asking you to please re-consider getting some proper professional help.
I've done a quick search and the closest Mental Health Drop in to you is (details here)
You can self-refer to talking therapies here (if her area has this) OR
you could talk to your GP and ask to be referred for talking therapies and/or consider trying medication
I can't always answer the phone or respond to messages when I'm working or away, so I also wanted to mention these 24 hour helplines you can call or text (details here)
I care about you very much, and I am happy to listen and support when I can, but I can't be on call 24/7 and even if I could, I'm not an expert.
I hope you understand that I have your best interests at heart."

If she reacts badly initially, that's not your fault and it also doesn't mean she won't reflect on what you've said later when she's had a chance to calm down.

Once you've sent it, you need to follow through. This means not picking up the phone when you're working, if you're out or away. If you're out and she tries to contact you you could send a quick text saying you'll call her when you can. When you do speak to her, continue to encourage her to seek professional help and if she dismisses it say something along the lines of "that's your decision, but if you won't get help I'm not sure what I can do to help you". If she threatens suicide, you absolutely must alert the emergency services. She may not like it, but she needs to understand that you are not a crisis service and she's leaving you no other choice. Do it every time, it's important to be consistent.

It shouldn't be a straight up choice between ditching your friend completely or being constantly available to her. BUT if she won't accept reasonable boundaries then you may have no choice.

insist she seeks support locally or via a phoneline. many areas have mental health cafes or similar. perhaps try to find out if there is one in her area she could pop along to for support. Or maybe she has a social prescriber at her GP surgery who could signpost her. You sound like a great friend but she has to help herself also.

I seem to be a bit of a magnet for people like your friend. It's a tough gig. With one person, we have a system where if I miss their call, they follow up with a text if it's an emergency, outlining the emergency. As they know I can't always pick up due to work etc.

Unfortunately the other person - the story doesn't have a happy ending. They were all consuming, drove everyone away, and now they're no longer with us. And what I noticed in that situation was the public outpouring of grief by people that were nowhere to be seen when the tornado of chaos was at its peak. In that situation - I wish I'd communicated the boundary better. Instead of fully stepping back, I wish I'd explicitly let her know that if she was in immediate danger, I was someone she could contact - to keep her earth side, and contact emergency services on her behalf.

The struggle as a supportive friend is that it's possible to support people through an acute struggle (e.g. a death) but impossible to maintain acute levels of support for a chronic situation (e.g. prolonged severe mental health).

So make your boundaries - but be explicit in what you will and won't help with. Helping during the work day is a hard no though.

People who do nothing to help themselves infuriates me

Bending the ears of people who are unqualified to help and, like you, OP often in no position to offer practical help, simply spreads the misery and keeps them in this crisis loop

They constantly relive the 'trauma' instead of seeking practical ways of helping themselves

Is she in denial about her mental health? Has she sought a diagnosis? Medication?

You are a saint for putting up with this for so long

You are not unreasonable to set boundaries, withdraw or even not answer the phones again

She cannot ruin other lives to carry on like this