AIBU to set boundaries with a friend in mental health crisis

[bagpuss90]

Please be kind here… My friend is going through a mental health crisis , she lives miles away from me - so I can’t support her in person. She refuses to seek any professional help. She calls me several times a day -even when I’m at work, crying , sobbing , saying she can’t go on. I’m in a much better place than she is - so I do my best to support her- she doesn’t really have anyone else to turn to. I was away for a few days last week and I can honestly say it ruined my break. If I step back - I’m honestly worried she will do something. But it’s pulling me down so much - it’s really startIng to impact on my mental health . The last thing I want to do is desert her tho but I think I’m going to have to put some boundaries in place Any ideas?

You say that you’re worried she’ll ’do something’ if you step back.

The fact is, though, other people have stepped back and she hasn’t ‘done anything‘. And if she did ‘do something’ it wouldn’t in any way, shape or form be your fault.

At this point, being constantly available for her isn’t actually helping her. It’s just giving her a reason not to seek proper help. She’s using you as an emotional crutch and it’s not actually helping her get better.

It’s also incredibly unfair on you. I appreciate she’s unwell but she’s being incredibly selfish and if this continues, it will make you ill. You’re not a mental health nurse. You’re not a therapist. You cannot do this any longer and you need to tell her that. If she needs this kind of support she needs to see her doctor and, in the short term, call the Samaritans when she’s in crisis.

Ive known her for about 10 years and no she’s not ever been really well - at least not for any length of time

She doesn’t talk to them

I don't know if this applies to you or it's me projecting but I have really tried to step away from a solution finding approach when my friends are in difficulty. Unless I have very specific advice that is very likely to prove a useful solution or there is something I can actually do then I try to stick to listening, empathy and comfort.

More often than not the advice we give ranges from not quite right to complete and utter rubbish but you still get frustrated when the person doesn't take it. This doesn't help either party in this dyad.

You know what? She’s manipulating you.

I don’t lack sympathy for her, as she’s obviously not well.

But calling you to imply she is suicidal and worrying you sick, while also then kicking off when you request a welfare check to ensure she hasn’t harmed herself, is classic manipulation by someone who wants your attention more than your actual, real help. She wants to feel that you’re constantly worried about her, because your attention is validating her. When you demonstrate that you can take steps to assure yourself that you don’t need to worry about her, such as getting a welfare check done, she’s pissed off because she no longer has the validation.

She needs to learn that this sort of thing is a consequence of demanding this amount of attention from you.

People who are mentally ill can, in a disturbed state, be very selfish and manipulative. And people who are selfish and manipulative by nature anyway can, obviously, be mentally ill, and their illness doesn’t make them less so.

Honestly, I’d be suspecting a personality disorder at this point.

I’ve had something similar this week. Step down, don’t answer, turn your phone off. She is probably reinforced by the attention & needs to step out on her own. You need to protect your peace!

Then this is very much evidence that she is deliberately manipulating you. If she was in genuine distress and couldn't cope she wouldnt be angry with you for seeking help for her.

This person is using you and she knows exactly what she's doing. Its toxic.

So what if she doesn’t take it well? I would tell her you have to have your phone away and on silent at work now, and any time she is suicidal contact relevant authorities.

She may need human comfort but its not the ops responsibility especially when this "friend" is refusing to get help and dumping everything on the op. Leaving her to the professionals is the only way she will get help and not drag @bagpuss90 down with her

I would probably step back at this point. I had a friend like this. She thrived on the attention and drove everyone in her life away, wouldn’t engage with services etc. It was exhausting over the years, I felt so alone trying to help her, and I sadly had to accept that I was only useful to her and that she wasn’t actually a friend at all, and just take a big step back. She ignored boundaries when I tried to set them and when I stuck to them she exploded with rage and I never saw or heard from her again.

Might that be a step forward? It sounds like she needs to realise she is in crisis and that she needs professional help.

I don’t think she will really accept the need to seek help until she accepts you are cutting her off, and that will be a difficult conversation anyway.

I voted YABU because you are being unreasonable - to yourself. This woman is a leech who is sucking the life out of you. As PPs have stated, other people have stepped away from her and she hasnt "done anything" to herself. Tbh I think you are being dry humped to kingdom come and back again and you yourself need to step out before you end up having a breakdown. Sorry if that sounds harsh but the saying is true: Dont set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm

I’ve been in your situation, the best advice I can give is to pull back before she sucks the life out of you. If she threatens self harm then call the police for a welfare check, she may not like it but at least you won’t be worried she’s done something serious.

You are not a mental health professional, you are not equipped to deal with this.

Wouldn’t this be kinda a win-win for you?

she calls hints/ suggests suicide and you call for a welfare check: one of two outcomes. 1) police are also concerned and she’s taken in for a check/placed on a hold. 2) she gets pissed off at you and doesn’t call as much?

im sorry to have to remind you that you can’t help someone who won’t help themselves and you may have to become a broken record. “Nothing I say or do seems to help you, friend. You are taking over more and more of my life whilst doing nothing to help yourself. Since I’m unable to help you short of going with you to the GP and I’m starting to get burnt out I’m going to need to take a step back from our friendship, I love you dearly and hope you get the help you need. Again happy to go with you and hold your hand at the Drs”

Yanbu, she can't be calling you at work. I would tell her this and say if she does and she's distressed you will have to call the police/999 as you can't support in those moments but need to know she's safe as you would never forgive yourslef if yiu were unable to talk and then she was so distressed she did something. I think you need to do more than just this but this is a good start.

You're not her therapist and you are not responsible for her either.

I would tell her gently that you have problems of your own and you dont have the bandwidth to help her anymore. Tell her she needs to seek professional help and if she refuses, well thats on her.

What everyone else has said. I would also sispect a personality disorder. Validate how she feels "it must be awful to feel like that" and encourage her to seek help "i think you need to see a doctor". Don't try and reason with her.
Boundaries. She can't rimg you at work. You camt be always available.

The thing is I can’t see an end to it

Thats because it wont end. You cant help her. You cant fix her. If this is a personality disorder (which sound highly likely) then thats how she relates to the world and its not ever going to change unless she is motivated to seeking help like DBT etc

The only way this will end is by you putting in boundaries and only you can do that

I have been this friend, and the advice you are getting to set a firm boundary and tell her to seek professional help are spot on.

I have huge sympathy for your friend having been there. It sounds like she is so deep into her depression or anxiety that she can no longer see how unwell she is or how not normal this behaviour is - or how unfair on you.

What got me out was a dear friend saying kindly but very firmly that I needed help, and she would help me to find it (eg by asking for recommendations from medical friends for psychiatrists), but she absolutely would not discuss any of my anxiety situations that I called crying about. She meant it too, and as a result I very soon found professional help.

I am endlessly grateful to my friend for doing this.

Totally agree with this @bagpuss90, she's not going to stop pestering you while you're trying to help her. You can't help her, you're just feeding the attention machine. Back off and block her, she'll either look for someone else to get hysterical to or she'll seek help with more appropriate medical people. There's nothing you can do that would genuinely help, so stop trying. You're getting stressed out and to what end? None!

She’ll find some other mug.

You are not a trained mental health professional and so don’t feel guilty - you cannot help this person

Tell her she needs to seek help and you are not qualified to assist her.

If she cuts you out then that is a bonus

I suspect because you are there and she has you to pay attention to her at all times she isn't getting help. Tell her that the next time she threatens suicide you will call the police, or just call the police. Who cares if she doesn't take it well? She will break you and then move onto someone else because you will be of no use to her.