AIBU to set boundaries with a friend in mental health crisis

[bagpuss90]

Please be kind here… My friend is going through a mental health crisis , she lives miles away from me - so I can’t support her in person. She refuses to seek any professional help. She calls me several times a day -even when I’m at work, crying , sobbing , saying she can’t go on. I’m in a much better place than she is - so I do my best to support her- she doesn’t really have anyone else to turn to. I was away for a few days last week and I can honestly say it ruined my break. If I step back - I’m honestly worried she will do something. But it’s pulling me down so much - it’s really startIng to impact on my mental health . The last thing I want to do is desert her tho but I think I’m going to have to put some boundaries in place Any ideas?

@bagpuss90

I was in this situation

I took a massive step back

It was only my involvement keeping her out of hospital so I stepped back and she was then sectioned.

She ended the friendship sadly because she was mad that I didn’t give her my full attention but I was at breaking point as another friend had recently died quite young. It was a lesson for me that she truly felt that everything should revolve around her needs and I just couldn’t do it anymore so her ending the friendship was a relief.

I had a friend like this. I wasted most of my twenties as her emotional support human. I now realise I should have said what I always say these days if someone leans too hard on me for support: Your issues are serious and you deserve professional support. I can't give you the level of support you clearly need. It's beyond me. If necessary, spell it out. Say the constant demands are putting a real strain on you and you feel at breaking point. That you love her but her needs are way beyond what you can give. Don't be shy to start explaining your own worries too. Share worry about DC, work, money etc. People who need someone to lean on run a mile if they are expected to support in return.

And give her boundaries. Say you can't take calls at work - you'll get into trouble. Put a DND time block during the night and at busy times. She'll lean on other people if you are less available.

This happened to me too. I was the 'bad friend' for not eclipsing my own life and needs 24/7 to provide unqualified support.

I was so glad she ended the friendship. Her previous victim ended up moving to Japan!

So sometimes as these posters have outlined this type of support might be inadvertently keeping someone from the professional support that could make a difference. I like the line given about pushing it back to that.... I'm not equipped you need professional help....

I think you may well be right

The reality is you can't really stop her contacting you unless you block her. I have had a similar situation in the past. I didn't tell the person when they could or couldn't contact me, I just decided what I was willing to do. I was prepared to speak to them but didn't answer the phone outside those times. When I did speak I would decide for how long. I would respond to messages when it worked for me. I also didn't offer solutions only affirmed that their situation was hard.
It's not easy but it is possible

I have bipolar and bpd so I have had several mh crisis and it is not your responsibility to save her and its unfair of her to put you in this situation. There are professionals to deal with these situations for this exact reason. She wouldn't expect you to fix her car or her electrics or perform surgery on her she would go to a professional. You can offer to go to the gp with her. You can offer to be there after she's called the crisis team. But you can not be their for her 24/7

Tell her you've had a warning from your boss and that you can't take personal calls in work time any more. Don't answer her calls while you at work. Agree with others that you should say you can't help her but professionals can and that's her only way forward. If you keep taking every call she will keep ringing, you can put your well being first and stop taking all/ or fewer calls.

I agree, she’s manipulating you, and sorry to say, you’re inadvetly encouraging/entitling her by responding to the calls. No doubt it’s happened gradually. Initially one or two calls, you felt sorry for her, and gradually it’s ramped up.

Firstly, put in boundaries. Ie. You are not permitted to take calls during the day, and will not be responding to her.

Be proactive, say if she wants to talk, she can only call in the evening, and only once.

If she starts cry in g, sobbing etc, then tell her to call 111, the Samaritans, the crisis team , gp etc. Have the numbers ready. if she refuses, reiterate that you are not a professional, and unable to help her. If she threatens that she can’t go on then calmly end the call, staying you’re going to call 999 for her as she needs their help, not yours.

As you say, she emotional draining you. If all else fails, block her. You’ve done what you can. She’s a grown up and is responsible for herself.

I have recently gone though (still going) a very difficult time with my mother and boundaries.

It is really difficult. You friend sounds like she calls more. But my mother used to call for over an hour each day and it was the 'her show' it was absolutely draining.

I slowly started detaching from it. Either make up some white lies 'work won't allow me take calls' then in the evening you are busy. But tell her you usually have a 10 minute window on the way home from work in the car.

It's ok to be honest with her, better even, as she will know she puts people off.

Friend, I care about how much you are suffering and I want to support you, but I just can't offer the extent of support that you are wanting. I get the impression that I'm the only person you have right now, and that is putting a lot of pressure on me and starting affect my own ability to cope. I'm not going anywhere but I am going to be putting some limits in place in terms of my time and availability. I hope this isn't too upsetting to hear but it is necessary for me right now as I can feel my own mental state starting to slip. I'm also very open to helping you make appointments to access other help, in fact I think we should do that anyway. Sending you love, friend.

As someone who has been there and driven those friends away ...depression makes you selfish but you are doing her no favours by enabling it.

I ended a friendship because of this. 14 years of the same crises repeating themselves and the friend never willing to change her circumstances nor engage with help. Multiple messages every day.

In the end I decided I could either live my life as someone's Support Human or I could break free and have energy for my family and myself.

That’s how I’m beginning to feel

What are you getting from this "friendship", @bagpuss90 ?

It sounds like the friendship is very one sided, and pretty much over already, so you have little to lose and a lot to gain by putting in boundaries and being more direct with her. Call her back or reply to messages when it works for you not just for her, direct her to 111 mental health or the Samaritans, tell her you can’t continue to support her if she doesn’t access treatment. You say it won’t go down well if you request a welfare check but it’s kind of tough luck for her, she’s not well and it sounds like you’re at the point that you wouldn’t mind if she stopped speaking to you. She needs to take some responsibility and putting your foot down might make her see that. Has she ever actually harmed herself? Or has she said she would?

Are you in UK ? Has she support from her NHS GP and NHS crisis team ?
if you’re at work certainly do not answer her calls.
you cannot assume full responsibility for this person. They need to accept some responsibility.
offer to accompany her to her GP ? But if she doesn’t accept say there’s nothing more you can do she needs professionals. You cannot provide 24/7 support indefinitely if she refuses to help herself

Which is completely natural when somebody is offloading on you constantly.

You're allowed to limit your contact with anybody.

She has the Samaritans, crisis service and if she is know to mental health services she may have a number to contact their duty team.

Services are stretched but they aren't manned by one person 24/7. Which is what she appears to assume you are ok with doing.

You are not a trained professional. If she won't seek help, or is threatening to do anything to harm herself or others, consider calling police to do a welfare check or contact her local mental health services to advice them you're concerned.

She's choosing to focus all her energies on you, you're allowed to choose to look after yourself and limit contact.

What happens if you're so worn out and distracted you make a mistake or have an accident?

What do you get out of this friendship OP? I don’t mean to be harsh but you must get something or you would have brought this to a halt ages ago. Do you enjoy ‘saving’ someone? There’s no shame in that btw, we all have elements of that within us.

I think if you try and analyse what you’re getting out of it, no matter how obscure, you may find it easier to withdraw.

Not a lot tbh - but I’m very fortunate by comparison and I just don’t have the heart to desert her

You don’t have to desert her, just cut down the contact. One call a day, max, and if she starts talking the same old stuff, then deflect by directing her to the professionals (111, 999, Santana etc) or change the subject and talk about the weather, Wimbledon, football etc. If she refuses professional help, then be blunt and say you can’t help her as you’re not a professional.

I think you should set some firm boundaries. Eg set times to call and with a time limit on them, eg let's have a check in every Wednesday at 8pm and have a good catch up.

I suspect when you do set some perfectly reasonable boundaries she will fall out with you too. And that is her choice. I'd respectfully allow her to fall out with you tbh.

She doesn't actually want you to help her get better. She just wants your attention endlessly like an emotional vampire.

I work in mh and have family with mh issues, you need strict boundaries or you will become unwell yourself. She is presenting with care seeking and manipulating behaviour which people with personality disorders do, it can be extremely draining and actually you answering your phone all the time is enabling this behaviour. She can phone numerous support lines contact gp and gp can refer to cmht or crisis for support. You need to tell her that you have your own issues and can only speak to her after work and not every night

Do you know why she's reluctant to seek help? I know MH services are far from perfect, and many folk are reluctant to engage as they've had bad experiences. But from what you say it doesn't sound as though this is the case for her. She sounds as though she's having a horrible time, so I would have thought she'd be keen for things to improve.

Is there anyone else in her life?

It's definitely not unreasonable for you to set some boundaries. No single person can support someone else through a crisis. Actual crisis teams don't even do this - they often work in pairs & although visits will usually be daily it's almost never the same person/people all the way through.

The best thing might be to tell her straight "I can't be the only person who supports you through this, it's too much for me". Do you/does she know what her options are for professional support? Happy to run through some of the main options if helpful.

If she did get professional help &/or called you less often (once a day max and not when you're at work or on holiday) would you still want to support her. Or have you just had enough?

If you do want to support her it would actually be much kinder to draw some boundaries now, than keep going like this until your resentment reaches fever pitch and you feel like you need to pull the plug altogether.

Something she could do if she's up for it is to go to this website https://stayingsafe.net/ and make a safety plan, maybe with your support. If she can plan how to get through these moments maybe, just maybe she'll not need to call you so often.

This is really tough OP, it sounds like you're doing your best and you are a great friend. I'd suggest;

• decide yourself when/how you want to speak to her and the frequency. Tell her up front "the next few weeks are busy, I want to talk but can we do it on xyz day at xyz time. I wont be able to answer the rest of the time" - stick to this, do not answer, do not respond to any guilt trips.
• signpost her elsewhere - send her links to free support, the samaritans, her gp, local counsellors etc. If she wants help, it's these people she actually needs.
• have some things you want to talk about, for you. At a point (no need to set a timer but when it feels reasonable) just go "I know you've not asked but I actually really wanted your advice on xyz, or I wanted to run this past you" - if she refuses to help/talk about what you want to talk about, then she is not a friend!

I'd also suggest a sort of stone walling that goes "well as I said yesterday, you should talk to your gp/therapist about that as I'm not an expert" - say on repeat, because eventually she will get bored. Some people get very stuck in victim mode, and they actually don't want help as it stops their ability to play that card and grab that attention. It's normal/ok for friendships to ebb and flow in terms of give/take but if she is the only one constantly taking, you need to think about is this a friendship or is she just using you as a free therapist.