To think long term affairs are like a form of fraud really

[paddleboardingmum]

Or a scam or something? Yet another of my friends has been cheated on (long marriage, teenage kids) in a situation where he's been in an affair for years. By doing that you're not only living a lie but really it's conning the other person isn't it? I'm not saying it should be a crime as such, just thinking about the deceit factor with this type of situation.

Well they are scum. Lying, betrayal etc.
It is fine to not want to be with someone if you are not happy, or for whatever reason. But someone who cheats is a terrible human being.

This a million per cent.

My whole 25yr relationship turned out to be a lie and my ex was at least a sociopath I'd been placating all along. I was always doing things "wrong". But I wasn't wrong, I just didn't want to always go along with his batshittery. Extraordinary to realise. He kindly told me he had no regrets after starting an emotional affair with "friend" and then ending our relationship one day, no discussion. Well, he might not but I sure as hell do. What an absolute fucking waste of my life to simper around that berk. More fool me.

That's your opinion, it's not fact.

I have always been completely faithful and I'm sure that if I were ever cheated on, I'd be devastated. But looking at the horrendous heartbreak that infidelity causes, I do wonder if we might all be happier if we stopped letting infidelity scare and upset us so much. Is that the solution? Infidelity clearly isn't going anywhere, and it seems to me that the horrendous heartbreak it causes just isn't worth it. And if we are not going to get overly upset about a male partner's infidelity, that also makes us more free, too....The other solution is not to commit to anyone, ever.

That's a long way of saying maybe we take the physical side of relationships too seriously. (Full disclosure: I'm being purely philosophical here, because I've never managed to be that French about a committed relationship.)

It just seems a pity to keep letting something have the power to break us when we have NO control over whether it happens to us or not.

@CurdinHenry who are you cheating with. How can you be so self-obsessed, that you believe that it's actually ok to sign a moral if not legal contract to say you will be with one person, forsaking all others - but that actually, I need a bit of a dopamine hit so I'll go shag that person I am attracted to?

You might think it's only opinion that a terrible person is someone who would betray the person who trusts them the most, their spouse, the potential other parent of their children - but it's a pretty robustly supported opinion don't you think?

@DumpyVictoria how does a human being, who is in love with someone, learn to not be bothered by infidelity? The entire act is an act of betrayal. If you're not bothered, you're not in love. If you're not in love, then crack on, but I really don't understand how you think that's possible?

I was asking, philosophically, if we SHOULD place such emphasis on the physical as an expression of loyalty. Look at the heartache it causes. Look at the sleepless nights, the broken families, all because of differing sex drives. How much happier would we be if we didn't have to be on the alert for signs of betrayal, and if both parties knew that we had a discreet hall pass for use if we felt the need, and if it was acknowledged that 50-60 years of fidelity is too hard for many people?

I'm talking through my hat, of course. I have never managed this.

As to your question of how, I think a lot of people are very compartmentalised.

Interesting article on the subject:
https://www.theguardian.com/books/2026/feb/15/are-we-hard-wired-for-infidelity

To add to this, I do wish there was a punishment for being cheated on if you are married and the other party has concrete evidence. Which is not the easiest thing to collect. Yes, I’m bitter about being cheated on so biased.

I actually have a whole folder with contents that prove my OH cheated, just incase I need it for the future. It’s the hardest thing I’ve had to collect, but it’s achieved somewhere incase I need it - he could take me to court? He could accuse me or something. But at least I have dated evidence.

maybe jail is extreme (if I remove my emotions), but some financial compensation from the other party of kids are involved - something…

Sometimes women are in the wrong and we need to stop acting like a man being cheated on is less than. It’s equally as cruel.

My friend told me in her culture there isn’t much shame around divorce. It’s common to have blended families and sometimes a woman might have 5 kids with different husbands, and visa versa. They see it as when the relationship comes to an end, they make a mutual agreement. But they are also very community led, so everyone knows their multiple siblings etc.

Now I don’t know what that does to their society - but I guess we have to ask what scenario is better - living a lie - often one person is having to sacrifice their happiness, usually the woman trying to hold it all together because of the shame of divorce or not keeping her family. Or everyone splits, and agreement is made for the kids - this isn’t ideal for the children short term, I’ve also been through divorced parents too, it isn’t nice but with support I grew up to appreciate a freeer and happier version of my mum then the almost desperate shell like version she was when she was with my dad.

I don't believe in "Happily ever after".

We were brought up on fairy tales.

To answer the question, if two people have agreed to be monogamous and one then has a long-term affair, yes, that is clearly fraudulent.

I agree. In the past, I have reflected that being unfaithful to someone is the worst thing you can do to a person while remaining on the right side of the law.

(Assuming it's a relationship where you've pledged monogamy, like most are.)

I think it's awful for the wife, because I doubt very much that she consented to it beforehand. She probably feels trapped and unloved. I expect that living like that, in a situation she did not consent to, would be very bad for her emotional and physical health.

I agree it’s risky but the point is I don’t think the affair was wrong.

But physical safety has to come into it to. And honesty. Whats the point in a relationship if it isn't rooted in honesty? And cheating means that one partner is exposed to STD risks while thinking they are having monogamous sex

I have no issue with the concept of open relationships. I have a huge issue with deceiving someone into having non monogamous sex

I agree. It's actually a pity that more people don't say "I'm not sure I can manage sixty years of fidelity and I wouldn't necessarily expect you to, either. What do you think about that?" BEFORE being committed.

Exactly.
Or even part way into a relationship "i'''ve realised I am not sure I can manage fidelity and I want to be honest and either we can both agree to some ground rules and have an open relationship or we can agree to go our separate ways"

Yup.

The other party might also have been feeling similarly constrained, but if you don't talk, you'll never know.

I could never, ever cheat on someone I was committed to in a monogamous relationship. I just couldn't do it to them.

Absolutely agree.

If my husband had come to me all those years ago and said, "I'm sorry, I've met someone else. I'm leaving you." that would have been heartbreaking and horrible, but it would have been understandable.

Instead he had an affair for four years. Coming home every night, eating the dinner I cooked, chatting about our days, sharing logistics of family life. We got on as well as we ever did. He was thoughtful, helpful, fully engaged in our marriage and our lives, I thought. He stood beside me at an award ceremony - the proudest day of my life. We had lovely holidays. Stayed with his parents, and mine. Christmases. Just living our lives together and planning our future. My best friend and life partner for 30 years.

But we weren't. It was a lie. Was he laughing at me? Did he and the other woman giggle at my idiocy? The planning it took. The lies. It leaves me breathless and tearful - not that he left, and not that he fell out of love with me, but that the person I trusted most in the world lied and lied and lied. Looked me in the eye and lied. It's like he made everything important to me worthless and grubby. He made me less than I thought I was. And he watched me puzzle about things and he knew. I would ask him sometimes when things didn't make sense. He made me an idiot. A fool. He made me never trust anyone again.

Agree with @Oricolt . It's not the infidelity . I don't think my ex physically cheated before he binned me. It doesn't matter. He chose to fall in love with someone else, to have an emotional affair, to be unpleasant to me, to justify his actions by listing how awful I was, to change our DS' life, and broke the social contract that we were in it together, that we would negotiate compromises and figure stuff out. Instead, I ended up doing all the compromising in exchange for the stability of the relationship, but he decided in the end not to keep his part of the bargain. He prioritised himself, I prioritised the relationship.

I'll say it again, more fool me. We should tell our kids, be careful what compromises you make. The relationship wasn't good enough to warrant me debasing myself. I'm not sure any relationship could be. But it wasn't great.

I choose to compromise under the threat of not doing what he wanted then the relationship would end. He trained me well. I know regret is not a helpful emotion but at least I can say, never again. I'll compromise for DS while he's at home and that's it.

I’m sorry @Oricolt it says so much more about him than it does about you, he sounds awful. You deserve better and I can understand why you’d say you’ll never trust anyone again. I feel the same some days, my dad is a serial cheat and his infidelity has wrecked everyone’s lives as well as their ability to form healthy relationships, but I do think there are some men who feel as strongly about cheating as you and I do. Mainly the ones who’ve had it done to them. There are no guarantees of course but I know some who think it’s very wrong.

Yes it's awful and I've never understood why some women (the other woman) are happy with this situations. I have never seen an example I can think of where the affair partner of a long term affair was male. Men won't put themselves in these second best situations but so many women often do and I think they should be judged as harshly as the men who cheat.

God, that's horrific. That everything would be so good at home. I thought that usually, the relationship at home bears the brunt. He must have been a very good actor. How did you find out in the end?

Your story really makes me think that we should prepare young people that they can mean all their vows on their wedding day with all their heart, but that forever is a really long time and that many people are ultimately not up to that demand. So they should always keep their own life, to an extent - own interests, friends, and definitely own career. And to keep in mind that MANY people simply cannot deliver a lifetime of fidelity. Maybe a marriage should be seen as a really, really good try, rather than a guarantee.

I dunno, I just wish there was some way to innoculate society from the pain of extra-marital affairs. They are so common, and they absolutely tear betrayed spouses and families apart.

Sorry but I think your views - not you personally, your views - are ridiculous.
This is why people who've been cheated on can't - understandably perhaps-be allowed to decide what happens.

They come up with crazy stuff like punishment.

Financial compensation? It's so terrible and heartbreaking but a few quid will sort it out? Lol.

Getting cheated on is part of life. It's not nice but it's not a crime and shouldn't be treated as such.

I've known a few single men be the other man. Sometimes for years.
Oh they've never told me but I've seen them out and about holding hands in places they think nobody will see them.
I say nothing, not my circus, not my monkeys. e
Maybe they like the idea of something which is effectively a part-time relationship.
Perhaps you don't know because these men don't go around telling other people or crying on their mates shoulders like an other woman usually does.

I'm so sorry @Oricolt. That's awful.

If it's any consolation, my friend who's having an affair with a married man says they never discuss his wife. She says she doesn't want to hear anything about her as that's a different part of his life.

I would be devastated if DH deceived me in that way. And equally I would never do it to him. I respect and love him too much

This is absolutely unhinged.