To think long term affairs are like a form of fraud really

[paddleboardingmum]

Or a scam or something? Yet another of my friends has been cheated on (long marriage, teenage kids) in a situation where he's been in an affair for years. By doing that you're not only living a lie but really it's conning the other person isn't it? I'm not saying it should be a crime as such, just thinking about the deceit factor with this type of situation.

If you tell a friend things you know your partner would hate you to tell are you cheating?

Imagine living an entire life miserable because people on Mumsnet think it's moral to do so. Hope I don't live to see the next handmaid's tale era. We're so lucky to live in an age of sexual and romantic freedom.

Oh give over @PeoniesAreMyFavouriteFlowers

Nowhere have I advocated for affairs.

Sexual and romantic freedom is fine so long as everyone knows that’s what’s happening. But surely you can see the problem if one person in a couple thinks they’re in a monogamous relationship and the other is shagging whoever he or she likes behind their back. The deceit is in the lying, not in the sex itself.

No, I think that's very naive about the reality of human interaction and emotions. Tbh I find polyamory creepier than normal affairs (sorry, polyamorists, not like I think it's wrong it just gives me the squig how formal you are about it all).

I accept there are situations where two adults could get “carried away” for want of a better word, and have sex despite being in relationships with other people. Lust overcomes them, they end up in bed together.

What I don’t accept is a clandestine extra-marital affair going on for years.

If you’re in a relationship that no longer works for you, and you see someone you’d rather be with, why can’t the person just end their existing relationship, before taking up with the other?

A one off sexual encounter could be attributed to poor judgment or a mistake. A long-term affair is a conscious decision to lie to your husband or wife and children (if there are any) for an extended period of time. It’s deceitful and cowardly, whichever way you cut it.

This thread is about affairs. That is the whole point of the thread.

You keep wittering on about something else entirely. It’s quite strange.

Not everyone would prefer to end their marriage.

Yes, self-evidently, or people wouldn’t have long term affairs. That doesn’t make it not deceitful or not cowardly.

But it’s not pure and simple is it. I know
a woman who had an affair, the OM was single and she was in an abusive marriage. Her husband was bloody awful. I stood by and cheered her on. The OM gave her the courage to leave.

There were no repercussions before either. It made zero difference to put adultery on a divorce petition. Served no purpose and was generally advised again because you had to have actually proof of penis-in-vagina.

But that’s using an exception to prove the rule, and that doesn’t sound like a long-term affair going on for years.

Exactly. Cheaters like the status quo of the marriage. Many men (my XH included) love having a wife who sorts out the bulk of the domestic drudge work, raises their children and also brings in an income (for the majority nowadays).
They also get regular sex too just not sex with that extra 'frisson' and ego boost they seek. So off they go hunting for a bit of cake.

And it's the lying, altered reality and deception (which is usually financial too as affairs cost a few quid) which cases the pain.

And, if I had done as my XH and behaved as he did, he would have gone nuts. He liked having a loyal monogamous wife.

I think a lot of "cheated" upon would also prefer to be saved the hassle of knowing.

You're well within your rights to dump someone at any time for any reason. That's your resolution here.

It would've done her more good to see a therapist and do the Freedom Programme.

Agree. I think it should be a crime to have sex someone who believes they are in a monogamous relationship with you when in fact you are having sex with someone else

I left an awful abusive relationship. I got there with help from a therapist not an affair partner.
It's hugely risky to just ricochet into the arms of another man, there's a decent chance they will prove to be abusive too if you haven't done the therapy you need to do /the freedom programme.

Sometimes a person just needs a bit of passion and excitement and dopamine. I can't understand what it's like being inside the skull of someone who is content to drudge to the grave. "Sure I washed pants and fell asleep in front of love island and that was it but it was THE MORAL OPTION".

I disagree. I think people tell themselves that to avoid discomfort when they are aware of affairs but don't want to be the messenger

I don't know anyone who wants to be kept in the dark that their spouse is having affairs. Not least because they are being put at risk of STDs

Huh?
You leave the existing relationship and then you can have all the passion and excitement you like

But everyone should get to make an informed choice

I have no issue with open relationships where both parties are honest and freely agree to it.

Dishonesty is just so grim though. It cheats someone out of making an informed decision . And puts them at risk of STDs, some of which cause cancer or infertility. Its disgusting and abusive behaviour to put someone's sexual health at risk

You have a very strange take on life, Henry.

Get it when single.

Tell it to half the people who ever lived maybe more