Was DP’s comment to waiter ‘encouraging’ or crass?

[Janeywestblue]

We had a lovely meal at our local earlier. Our waiter was someone we hadn’t seen before and he told us he was on his first shift when he came over to take our drinks order. DP commented to him ‘I bet your arse is twitching like a rabbit’s nose’ to which he sort of awkwardly/politely laughed. I told DP off and he said the waiter would appreciate him breaking the ice and having a laugh with him.

I disagree and thought it was crass. AIBU?

Does he work on a particularly old-fashioned building site? Because this is the only setting where I can imagine this being "banter". Grim.

You may use those sayings but the majority don't. Personally, i lived on what is now the most deprived estate in S.W Scotland but i was brought up not dragged up.

I was brought up not to be offended over every little thing

It's not that unusual, it's just that some of the posters on here are too busy clutching their pearls to notice!
Never read such a snobbish thread before (and I've been here years), full of the fur-coat-and-no-knickers brigade (another phrase there for you to get all het up over, you can thank my middle-class, frightfully well spoken aunt for that gem)
People actually telling op to leave her husband over it!!! Ridiculous. Verging on sexual assault??? Fgs, get a grip!
It wasn't the best thing he could've said, no, but it was really not the heinous crime it's being made out to be!

Nah, I just recalled a similar experience and described a more typical way of encouraging someone. :-)

I wouldn’t really lead with this as a positive in this scenario, it’s not the strength a lot of people think it is. Within reason of course, taking offence to rudeness and unsavoury language demonstrates you’ve been brought up correctly with manners, and shows you have a healthy level of self respect. A random man makes a remark about my intimate part of my body like my bumhole? Yeah I’m offended. Not only would I be offended I’d be looking down on him, he’s dragging himself into the gutter with that language. The fact that this wouldn’t feel distasteful to you doesn’t mean you’re more enlightened than the rest of us.

Offence isn’t easy to feel when you are dragged up with no boundaries. It numbs you to it.

What an absolute twat.

Its a common saying to mean I bet your nervous you are analysing it far to deeply as I assume its a saying you are not familiar with.

I had no idea what it meant. Probably most people wouldn't.
Now I do, I think it's the kind of unpleasant banter that some rather nasty little men like to use to unsettle people. In no way was it encouraging the waiter. At best your DP is an idiot with no social skills. Sadly, it was probably an intentional power play which makes him even more of an asshole.

I never said i was offended by it. I was however disgusted by such crude words being used in such a situation. Not all of us have foul mouths.

Why would you assume I’m not aware of the saying? I am, and understand it entirely. It references when your anus pulsates during nervousness (a bit like a rabbits nose). I’m not analysing it too deeply- what is to analyse exactly? It’s uncouth to reference someone’s arsehole to a stranger at a dinner table.

Just because it’s a common saying doesn’t make it any less tactless.

Awful.

I was giving you the benefit of the doubt that you didn't understand the fact you do and you understand its a common saying in some areas yet you choose to still be offended by it says a lot.

“In some areas” also says a lot. Look at the majority vote on this thread, you are the minority not me.

As I said, it is still crass an rude

Because the majority of the thread hadn't heard the saying but I assume where op, dp and the waiter live its one of the areas where it is said

Do you feel the same about other sayings like you've got some balls to do that. Or you was of your tit's last night, getting something of your chest. Break a leg, keep your eye on it, play it by ear. There all common sayings that include body parts.

Nope, you’re still not getting it. I am a Russian immigrant and I’ve heard the saying multiple times (lived in two Northern cities where I’ve heard it used, before moving to London)

You’re not an enlightened being that knows more than the rest of us. We just recognise crass language where you don’t.

😂 because “break a leg” is anything close to referring to a pulsating arsehole. Are you being deliberately obtuse? 😂

I just don't look for ways to be offended by things you obviously do and thats ok if thats how you choose to live your life. If that was said to me I wouldn't think twice about it obviously if it was said to you, you would be deeply hurt over it and stew over it but where all different. I think we need to agree to disagree as I don't want you getting upset and offended because of something I've said to you.

Getting upset and offended? By you? Who is over analysing now. It is a topic up for debate. We are debating.

It's not offensive as such but it's just so unpleasant and unnecessary. Even if he hadn't phrased it such a crude way why would he even comment in any way desgined to make the waiter feel more self-conscious and nervous than he may already have been? All it does is deliberately undermine him for no reason whatsoever.

I would find that desire to belittle horrible regardless of the actual words used.

They aren't said to a stranger and aren't about their literal anus just before eating a meal? So not really the same

Why wouldn't you say them things to a stranger, don't you talk to people. Anus is a body part just like a leg. We need to stop being embarrassed by body parts.

Definitely crass. In what way could it be “encouraging”?