Was DP’s comment to waiter ‘encouraging’ or crass?

[Janeywestblue]

We had a lovely meal at our local earlier. Our waiter was someone we hadn’t seen before and he told us he was on his first shift when he came over to take our drinks order. DP commented to him ‘I bet your arse is twitching like a rabbit’s nose’ to which he sort of awkwardly/politely laughed. I told DP off and he said the waiter would appreciate him breaking the ice and having a laugh with him.

I disagree and thought it was crass. AIBU?

Ugh. Sounds like a friend of ours, who evidently thought his crass or over personal remarks to waiting staff, were funny. They were just cringe-making to hear. There was no telling him, though - he’d just think you had no sense of humour.

Referencing a stranger’s bottom is just such a weird, crude thing to do.

All the more incongruous in a nice social setting and where the person is serving you. How awkward for them.

People in all classes have manners.

Not just crass. Borderline sexual harassment.

You said “Where I live it's a commonly used phrase” so what exactly is the problem with me saying “within your demographic”?

“I am actually middle class” I never implied you were from a working/lower class background, did I? Please quote me if I’m wrong. I said classless, two very different things. You are the one bringing up your affluent hometown and social status, not me. I am also Russian and witnessed levels of poverty that do not exist over here. So bore off with the snobbery.

Regardless of background or whether you’ve heard it 3,568 times before, referencing another persons anus to them is classless and uncouth. It’s also demeaning and puts the other person in a situation where they could feel uncomfortable.

You said I was constantly surrounded by classless remarks. You know what you were implying so at least own it.

I get the idea of making a joke to help the waiter relax but this doesn’t land in the way expected for that because (a) the language is pretty crude (b) it’s highlighting the fact he’s nervous and (c) it’s more laughing at the person then laughing with them.
A kinder thing would have been to say some positive words at the end and left a nice tip. Or even saying to the manager that he did a good job. I guess we all have different sense of humours but just need to be aware how things might be received. You were right to raise it. Not sure you need to LTB! X

Blaming a woman for a man’s words, how original.

Again, you said it’s a commonly used phase where you’re from so yes you are surrounded by classless people. You put two and two together and got five, and began with your performative outrage. The onus is not on me to “own it” in this situation

Poultry alignment - Ducks in a row.

SHL - Shit Hot Lawyer.

She's laughing off being in a relationship with an utter idiot basically. Poor thing.

EEEW. Dump and run, he's vile. Or at the best, totally socially inept and will constantly embarrass you...particularly as he seems unable to recognise how inappropriate his comment was.

I would hate this. Quite surprised at the number of people who couldn't work out what it meant though - it's very obvious!

Your husband sounds gross.

@Nevs And there we have it "surrounded by classless' people. In your mind it's a classless comment, that's your opinion, and to call something classless is snobbery.

Is it snobbery, or just a fact? Personally if you want to label me a snob by all means I’ll wear it, I’ll still sleep soundly tonight. It’s rather amusing you’re more offended by what you perceive as “snobbery” (me calling people who reference other people’s bumholes as classless) rather than the actual bumhole remark, but hey we’re all different.

”In your mind it is classless” love, take a look at the majority vote on this thread. You are the minority 😂

How on earth is it sexual harassment. Do you not understand what the saying means

Because he said it to a man so he obviously doesn't just say it to women

If my Husband had said that i would have walked out.

You think that should be a marriage-ending remark? What's the punishment for using CU Next Tuesday? Prison?

It was an uncomfortable remark. Cringe-inducing, in fact. But it was inappropriate, not criminal.

There's a very large number of people here from vastly differing backgrounds with thousands of different life experiences. I think you perceiving that as "in general quite sheltered" says more about you and what you pay attention to than the rest of us.

It demonstrates such a lack of class and intelligence, plus an inability to behave appropriately, that I just couldn't be with someone like that. And yes if he had called the waitress a cunt I would say the same thing. You would think that's ok?

I don't get offended by comments not said to me, how can it have offended you. You haven't offended me btw I was merely pointing out youd classless comment was snobby, that's all.
I am not bothered if my opinion is in the minority it is my opinion so it doesn't matter if others don't agree. People are allowed different opinions there is no wrong or right it's an opinion.
You asked if it was fact that it's classless and again it's your opinion that it is. An opinion cannot be a fact.

Quite. The PP is showing an inability to see beyond the one remark and look at the bigger picture. I would not be able to relax around a man who deemed it appropriate to say such things. I couldn’t introduce him to any of colleagues, friends in fear of him embarrassing me. Your spouse is a reflection of yourself.

How embarrassing. In fact, if he’d said it to a woman, it could be considered as harassment so why say it to a male waiter. Urgh.