Was DP’s comment to waiter ‘encouraging’ or crass?

[Janeywestblue]

We had a lovely meal at our local earlier. Our waiter was someone we hadn’t seen before and he told us he was on his first shift when he came over to take our drinks order. DP commented to him ‘I bet your arse is twitching like a rabbit’s nose’ to which he sort of awkwardly/politely laughed. I told DP off and he said the waiter would appreciate him breaking the ice and having a laugh with him.

I disagree and thought it was crass. AIBU?

I am not surprised; I would have thought 'Ew, why would you say that? Just tell him he's doing fine!'. My example was to show that he didn't need to show solidarity by being crude as a tip or some more polite encouragement would have done the job.

I agree with you - it's crass and vulgar. I used to be married to someone who would say things like that in public. I used to want the ground to swallow me up. It's really lovely now, even after all these years later, never having to worry about my partner embarrassing us both with his constant crass, inappropriate comments.

It’s weird but probably more cringe for you than the waiter in the grand scheme of things he will be told by the general public.
it’s a weird way of putting it but honestly as long as he didn’t say it in a totally creepy tone I’d get the vibe.

Sorry but this made me laugh your dh sounds brutal! 😂

This is really about class. People from a higher socio-economic group would not talk like this. People from lower SE group would. It doesn't make it right or wrong - it may just be not what you're used to. Surely you already know if you're from a higher SE group than him?

Same. It doesn't make sense does it?

Do some people's arse twitch when they are nervous? I have never heard of that being a thing.

I haven't got a clue what that means and OP is being extremely unreasonable for not explaining.
Is it some weird dialect that she and her H speak? Did the waiter actually understand what he said?

I don't think I could stay married to someone who said something like this, how vile.

wtf why would anyone say that to a complete stranger. What a knob.

Jesus. What a knob.

The poor bloke! He must've felt so awkward. Why would your husband want to share what he'd imagined? 😬

This.

Do you mind if we ask what sort of upbringing your partner had? I'm just struggling to imagine being raised to think this sort of behaviour was ok.

What does it mean?

I've lived in 3 countries around the world and lived in the UK for 25yrs and never heard the term. Vulgar and crass!

Your partner is making a massive assumption that the waiter knew what it meant. Why not just say he is doing a great job? 🤷‍♀️

An embarrassing remark and way too familiar.

I respectfully disagree, I have met people from educated in expensive private schools and from quite high SE backgrounds who would and have said things like this!

Your DP is a Dickhead Partner
Definitely crass and not remotely funny.

Not sure if it's only me, but I find the sentiment distasteful, separately from the actual vulgarity with which it was expressed.

That is, the assumption that the waiter is horrendously nervous is really patronising. As if OP's DP is so important that the people serving him are terrified because disappointing him would be so unthinkable.

Good lord. What an idiot your partner is

He was saying the waiter must be very nervous on his first day in a new job, so nervous his bum would be twitching. Odd thing to say, isn't it?

Basically just similar to squeaky bum time. Like oh you’re going to be nervous as hell (because it’s the first shift he’s doing)

I can't see what's encouraging about an observation that he's likely to be incredibly nervous on his first shift. More likely than not he simply made the waiter feel embarrassed and uncomfortable.

The fact that the remark was vulgar and crass makes it even worse. I see that he left a tip, which is something, but this would be an issue for me. Reflects poorly on him that he isn't willing to consider the nature of his remarks or others feelings either, but simply assumes they were grateful to him and he couldn't possibly be wrong.

Gross and unhelpful

Me too. In fact, they can be the worst for it!

Completely inappropriate, and I would go as far as saying it’s sexual harassment with the mention of his arse. Just gross. That poor server.