Was DP’s comment to waiter ‘encouraging’ or crass?

[Janeywestblue]

We had a lovely meal at our local earlier. Our waiter was someone we hadn’t seen before and he told us he was on his first shift when he came over to take our drinks order. DP commented to him ‘I bet your arse is twitching like a rabbit’s nose’ to which he sort of awkwardly/politely laughed. I told DP off and he said the waiter would appreciate him breaking the ice and having a laugh with him.

I disagree and thought it was crass. AIBU?

I hope none of the other diners overheard, because that's conjured a truly horrible image in my brain. I'd be really pissed off if I heard that filth while I was eating.

From the waiters point of view, I expect he thought your partner to be a dirty old pervert.

My dad was a coalminer. Mum worked in service, as a waitress and as a factory worker. They would both have been appalled at that comment.

I often think mumsnet in general can be quite sheltered, but I have to agree with 90% of the responses here. I’m up for a laugh and don’t mind a bit of crass humour between friends but to talk to a random server about his arsehole is so, so weird. I genuinely couldn’t be with someone who thought that was normal conversation with a stranger.

Thank you for asking. I didn't know either.

It is crass and embarrassing for all involved. I'll bet everyone that works at that restaurant is talking about your partner.

Thanks for giving an explanation.
Do you also know what part of the country people use this expression because it's clear from the thread half the pp have never heard it and OP has not been very helpful?
I'm thinking the whole thread is just a wind up.

I dont, I’m from the NE though and while it’s not something I hear all the time, i have heard it on occasions so not sure if it’s originally from here or what.

I have no idea what that's even supposed to mean.
If I was the waiter I'd probably have given an awkward laugh too!

'I bet your arse is twitching like a rabbit’s nose,

He means the waiter is probably nervous.

Quite. Vulgarity is not a matter of class. Possibly the most vulgar person I have ever known was my late mother, she was an Earl's daughter and she was mortifying. The rest of her family were not a bit like that, thankfully and nor was my father.

You probably want to start your own thread so everyone knows you tipped a waitress, it'll get more traffic :)

Sounds like the sort of person who heckles stand up comics thinking that he’s “helping.”

I looked up what it meant. It's crass. You could maybe use it as humour with someone you knew well who you know would appreciate the joke, but not with a stranger. Inappropriate in my book.

Absolute peak Mumsnet.
those who use their finest periwinkle on a Sunday wouldn’t dare

What a load of nonsense. It was crass, vulgar and stupid. There's no monopoly on being crass, vulgar and stupid or knowing how to behave.

Next time I'm nervous I'll be paying full attention to my bumhole because I never knew this was a thing

Your husband/partner sounds like a twat - is he a teenager - can he have conversation?

That waiter will never forget his first shift...

I’m aware not all people from a lower SE background speak like this, however I really dislike the way vulgar, loud, crass language is almost worn as a medal of pride amongst a lot of the community in the UK, and it is deemed acceptable. Your post implies exactly this, but why? Why is this man referring to another man’s bumhole over a dinner table? The choice of appropriate responses were endless.

It is also condescending to think allowances should be made for such language based on someone’s economical background, you talk about them as though they cannot help it. They know better, they make such remarks through choice. In my home country we have areas of extreme poverty, however there is not typically a divide in dialect based on income, people who have nothing still pride themselves in being well spoken and would never make such uncouth comments. Manners are free.

gross

It doesn’t matter what class people think they are, anyone whose an arse would make a comment like this, class doesn’t come into it, you get twats from all walks of life.

If anyone I was out with had made a comment like that I’d have said something and left them in no doubt they weren’t funny.

Your DP sounds like one of those people who believes he's the life and soul of the party while everyone around him is silently praying he'll stop talking.

It was belittling and vulgar. I would be embarressed if it were my DH

Are you for real? As a teen I worked as a waitress at silver service events. I cannot even begin to tell you the absolute filth that (very posh , very rich)men used to whisper to me as I waited their tables .

Really? You have to ask?

Ugh! What a stupid thing to say. Does he think he’s funny?

It's a weird thing to say, but it's refreshing to another man. The General's MN consensus is "They don't say it to men, do they?"

He's obviously equitable with his shit quips!