Have you noticed this with your parents as they’ve got older?

[Thesleer]

I don’t know if i’m being unfair. I’m in my early forties and my parents are late sixties. They have a few buy to let properties and whilst not incredibly wealthy they are comfortable. I feel this detail is relevant as it means they have lots of options open to them. Neither work now, they are in decent health generally, have a few grandchildren they see regularly. Both have wide friendship groups and socialise.

But, they just don’t seem happy. Always wanting something else. Is this what happens as you get older? The current drama is whether they need to move house, it’s like they enjoy creating a chaotic situation that simply doesn’t need to exist. Every weekend they’ve asked me to view houses with them (I have two dc so life is quite busy!) and they often comment on how life is nearly over.

On a lesser scale, there’s often dramas about getting home from a shop and the blueberries or whatever being off, calling the shop and having a rant about it, just really insane petty things. It all seems so stressful even from the outside!

I have sympathy in the sense that I can understand how life can feel empty sometimes even when it isn’t, but truthfully I’m also getting sick of the inability to see they have a pretty nice life! AIBU? Is this what happens as people
age?

Huge generalisation but men seem more grumpy as they age

Yes this is exactly the time that parents start becoming the children and doing annoying things for your attention 🤣

Funny you mention mouldy blueberries. It's hard to find fresh ones the last couple of years. I don't rant, honestly, but I am quietly disappointed (late sixties, perhaps the ranting is for the next decade).

How long ago did they retire? I can imagine me starting to fret about small things once I retire in a few years' time...God help my kids 😄 you say they have a good social life etc but do they keep their minds active? My own dad volunteered for a couple of charities the minute he retired, as he needed that mental stimulation.

😄😄🤣 yep, can see this happening with me if I'm not very careful!

Yes, I’ve got exactly the same issue even down to moving house every three years and the blueberries. Currently looking for another property as they don’t like the neighbours/cost/smell here.
mine are bored. No hobbies, with each other 24/7 and my circumstances have changed in that childcare isn’t needed as much and our family are more settled in general and therefore don’t have as much to do.
I find they’re making stupid ass decisions. They aren’t in great health sadly and this moving to another property isn’t what any sane person would be doing quite frankly and not considering their future health needs.
Having worked with older people a long time, I find it’s not the norm but certainly see it a fair bit.
I’ve been working hard to make my life easier and my parents seem to be doing the opposite 😆

Retirement is like being a teenager with cash in your pocket. My husband has several horrendously painful conditions, mainly from stupidly hard physical work all of his life, and he's a bit of a grouch but we both enjoy our lives and are grateful for what we have. So many of our friends have died or have dementia or other serious illnesses.
Are they worried about something they aren't telling you? Or as someone asked have they always been this way? Talk to them.
Also, your responsibility is to your children, not your parents, so stop being so available.

It's not an age thing but I do believe that when people have very easy lives and no real problems, they can get fixated on tiny things and make them into problems. It's like some people can't be happy unless they've got something to moan about or worry about!

I do notice with some older people, that they want everything done on their timetable and forget that other people still have jobs or kids to look after. I think that comes with retirement and more distance from that reality.

One thing I have noticed with my mum (mid 70s) is negative comments dressed up as jokes. That really irritates me, because they’re not funny so they’re not jokes.

like for example, myself and DH were talking about DD (30) in the garden one day. We were talking about how she didn’t recognise a very well known phrase and laughed about it. My mum said ‘well she should have been brought up better’ but then laughed..

i just looked confused, say ‘eh?’ And walked off.. it doesn’t sound much but it’s silly comments all the time,

I don’t even know if she used to be like this because it’s only starting to grate on me now. But for the record, I know she doesn’t really think that because she also commented about what a lovely well brought up boy my DS is.. in fact she says it about them both. So I know that’s not what she thinks but my god it annoys me.. like belittling.

This sounds like personality. My father is a very gentle man who always sees the good in everything and everyone. He is very frail and has health problems that would make moving to a more modern house, ideally a bungalow, more sensible. My mother is a very pragmatic, unemotional person who expresses her deep love and commitment for him through the care she gives. She could really do with professional help, but refuses it. I worry that their ancient crooked house will kill one or both of them. If my father - a very bent and slightly shrunken 6ft3 - fell on my mother - a very slight woman of 5ft3 - while she helps him up the stairs then he would take them both out. It terrifies me, but they have lived in their home for 50 years and have no desire ti say goodbye to it.

It gives them something to do and talk about, I guess.

I think volunteering or getting more involved in church activities as suggested in the post above is a good idea.

It will give some structure to their days/weeks.

Hopefully it will also give them some perspective about their own lives and how actually they have a more comfortable life than many others. Do you think they would go for such a thing @Thesleer ?

Do they play any sports? My mum is 68 and she is now playing Seniors' golf twice a month. That is on top of a Bible study at church and a church service on a Sunday. That has made a difference to the moaning / catastrophising / making mountains out of molehills. She has somewhere to go at least a few times a week that involves getting ready and presentable, she meets with others in her own age group and it has led to more socialisation opportunities for other things - cups of tea here and there, invites to other things.

I was really struggling with the endless negativity and I am 10,000 miles away. In a way it was worse via Whatsapp or when I did make the effort to make a telephone call all I got was endless moaning and "when are you coming home?". I have 1 child in last year of primary and 1 in early stages of high school - am going through a divorce, finances are tight ....I already have a lot in my own actual life to deal with but when I did make the time to call all I get / got was endless moaning about things that (to me) are really quite minor!

I hope your parents will be open to some of the suggestions on this thread.

Like you, I hope I never get like this later on in my own life!

I don’t think this is necessarily true, I retired early and have a very easy life and have lots of friends who are very privileged. We are all very positive and trying to fit as much into life as we can.
I do think some people are more anxious than others and more prone to being half empty.

it amazes me the small things that some people on here post about at times and the great detail they go into. Things that I would barely be aware of or give more than a few minutes thought to.

simple answer to "when are you coming home?" is "Mum I am home."

Oh joy!
Another ageist thread.
Try living with 3 teenagers, now that’s negative and grumpy or friends who complain about their young children being hard work constantly.
Huge generalisation about ‘old people’.
Hope you’re constantly positive when you’re in your 60s.

No its just your parents sorry. I am 62 and dont do any of those things.

Not specifically, but when peoples lives shrink, they do tend to focus on the minutiae of life and tell you with great feeling, for example, how shit it is that virgin media has gone down again, that the supermarket didn't have what they wanted, how busy and exhausting their day was because they did 2 minor things that most people squeeze around work etc.

Maybe they miss having something meaningful to focus on, and they're creating a 'need' by looking at another property to buy? (They're not wrong in this, by the way, it's wise to move somewhere manageable before you get to the age where you need to.) As to feeling their age...well, there's more years behind them than ahead, isn't there? I'm in my 40s and I feel this.

Once you do reach your sixties you do realise how fast life is going by. Or has gone by. So you do think of your own mortality. Which isn’t a barrel of laughs.
Looking into older age is concerning for people. The horror stories you read about. The dread of the care home.
And should you move to a bungalow high on the list of things to consider.
You don’t think of it when you are 37 or even 45 but you do when you are 65 or more. How long have they got ? Who will die first ? How will they cope without each other. All sorts of nightmares loom.
So spare them a bit if they seem to fuss over things.
This may be what is behind it.

People generally want to keep going. And try to do so. And try to have a generous spirit and keep enjoying life.
I wouldn’t say calling the shop and moaning about something was usual. The shops would be inundated with old people moaning. Daily.
People who seem to like to create dramas possibly did so when they were younger as well.

actually the people I know who have done this are in their 30's

I wouldn't say so .. my dad is 74 doesn't moan about petty things .
Goes fishing see's us all very regularly seems very contented in life.

I voted YANBU as you're not alone. But not something I have to endure first hand, fortunately. They do spin things out to fill up a day though!

I'm sure the not working thing is part of it - maybe a bit like the PTA politics and whether to change the date of a school fair/fayre can be the centre of attention for someone not working, but a total insignificance for a parent attempting to retain a full time job? What's important just has a different focus...

Would they be up for volunteering for anything? National Trust garden? Food bank? Officials at a sports club or parkrun? Lollipop crossing? Helping at a church playgroup or community outreach event each week? Taking on a patch of neglected ground in your community to tidy up & grow fruit/add a book swap box?

Doing something to benefit other people is one of the surefire ways to make people who already have more money than they need actually feel better about themselves (the alternative is writ large across the faces & emotions of those billionaires who choose only to focus on self "improvement" cosmetically & sowing division between those who have less than them).

Can you gently encourage them to find some new creative & volunteering opportunities to turn to? They should have decades ahead of them, they might as well be happy, fruitful ones!

They’re bored and have more energy than they need on a day to day basis.

No. My parents are in their 80s and have never been like this. A bit difficult at times but generally content and happy with life.

Me too.