Have you noticed this with your parents as they’ve got older?

[Thesleer]

I don’t know if i’m being unfair. I’m in my early forties and my parents are late sixties. They have a few buy to let properties and whilst not incredibly wealthy they are comfortable. I feel this detail is relevant as it means they have lots of options open to them. Neither work now, they are in decent health generally, have a few grandchildren they see regularly. Both have wide friendship groups and socialise.

But, they just don’t seem happy. Always wanting something else. Is this what happens as you get older? The current drama is whether they need to move house, it’s like they enjoy creating a chaotic situation that simply doesn’t need to exist. Every weekend they’ve asked me to view houses with them (I have two dc so life is quite busy!) and they often comment on how life is nearly over.

On a lesser scale, there’s often dramas about getting home from a shop and the blueberries or whatever being off, calling the shop and having a rant about it, just really insane petty things. It all seems so stressful even from the outside!

I have sympathy in the sense that I can understand how life can feel empty sometimes even when it isn’t, but truthfully I’m also getting sick of the inability to see they have a pretty nice life! AIBU? Is this what happens as people
age?

Would you fly off the handle at having to queue more than 2 mins in the supermarket? Or at dropping a piece of food when serving dinner?

OP I'm mid 60s, I've noticed this with my friends once they get to mid/late 60s and it scares me shitless. I keep asking my kids if I am becoming like it.

Some of the boomer generation have absolutely no idea how lucky they are.
Even the nice ones often have a lack of self awareness of things like their financial comfort. My parents were raised in the war and were never like this. My Dad, who did service in WW2 was always very appreciative , even though he gave back by teaching in a v deprived area for over 40 years. Lived in a modest bungalow in his retirement and gave lots to charity.
I really noticed this attitude when i did a job which meant i had to speak to lots of members of the public daily.

Do they have hobbies? Maybe some new interests would help, or doing some voluntary work.

YABU to make ageist assumptions.

Some people are always like this, some never are, some grow into being like this as they age, some grow out of it.

My dad would complain at the drop of a hat, and spent his theoretical prime muttering under his breath about 'typical luck' and returning things to shops. In his 70s he began being lovely to everyone and pleased with the smallest thing. My mum has always been inhumanly busy (her 'hobby' in early retirement involved working 14 hour days, 7 days a week, with heavy machinery; now it's local conservation projects, crafts, sports and day trips, with rarely fewer than 2 clubs or events a day and often 3 or 4, plus renovating her house with the intention of downsizing at 80) and entirely unflappable. I had 2 friends caught up in the recent Iranian flight disruptions - one in her 60s was stranded overseas, the other just shy of 80 had to completely rearrange plans days before travelling and went with no certainty about how (or whether) he would get home. Both took it in their stride and enjoyed the added sense of adventure and chance to explore unexpected places.

Population studies show average happiness levels go steadily up after about 50. It's the middle aged who are most miserable.

I think that the fragility could be an age thing. I am noticing it as my peer group gets older. Bones and confidence in life weaken and shatter more easily. Small obstacles become huge.

My parents are only in their mid-60s, but I can't say that I've noticed this with them yet. If anything, they seem happier than they were before my dad retired, probably because the last few years of his job were difficult and they had to deal with things like wrapping up the properties of my recently deceased grandparents on both sides. Now that those pressures have been removed, I think they're starting to enjoy their lives more again, though they do seem to be more careful with money than they have to be. They comment on this themselves. After so many years of watching money closely, it's just how they do things and they don't really appear to want to change. I do hope they'll spend more on travel in the next few years, though.

They seem to live empty lives and this reflects on the soul

I think this is just their personality vs a getting older thing.
I dont recognise this in the 70+ people i know..
.

My mil wasn’t so much annoyed in the late 60s, but she did send letters which were mostly about a hunt for a fish slice.

Agreed.

My parents are the same but I think they’ve always been that way. It’s only as I’ve become an adult that I notice it. Now that I look back I can see it in the past too, I just didn’t know any better then. It drives me crazy. My parents are in their 80s and have normal age related health problems but they are so miserable about it. I do think their lives have become so small that the tiniest thing throws them more now, but their lives becoming small was their choice. Meanwhile I have several friends in 40s and 50s going through cancer battles or losing siblings etc and I can’t help but think how lucky my parents are.

77 and no I don't stress about small things. I still work and get really tired. I hope to get things done at home etc but if I can't it's just tough. I do suffer from anxiety but try not to let it affect others.

I'm 70 and I don't recognise this in myself or any of my friends of my age and older. If anything I take a more positive approach to life (apart from the racist shit show that's going on) because I want to make the most of the fewer and fewer years ahead of me.

I have noticed a slight loss of confidence in myself, as health issues start to materialise (a friend who lives 6 or 7 hours away desperately wants me to visit, but suddenly a drive of that length seems unnerving, despite the fact that only a few years ago I was driving the length of France).

But no, I'm generally more of a ray of sunshine than I've ever been, and counting my blessings.

I think there is a point where people really start ageing in attitude and it can be quite sudden. The shutters come down and they are less likely to adapt and learn new things. It's a bit like at the beginning of life where a decade in age is a lot, we get back to it being a lot when we get old. Whereas when one of you is 35 and one 45 you're both just generic adults.

Could you say that to her?

”mum is everything okay? I’ve noticed recently that you seemed a lot happier when working part time and now that you and Dad are both retired you seem pretty unhappy - that bad punnet of blueberries last week really seemed to ruin your whole week! So I wanted to check in and make sure you are okay?”

might not get you anywhere and you know your mum best but you might be able to gently point out that she seems really upset/cranky and maybe you could plant the seed or perhaps she needs something to look forward to and maybe she could plant long trip/holiday - cruise? Or maybe she needs to add something to her life?

Is this what happens as people age?

If people have a petty, negative, ungrateful, myopic slant on life, then that becomes more apparent after they retire and age as all they have to focus on are petty, minor things, which they do not view with interest or optimism.

It is far more about the individual's world view and mindset than about age.

My DF was not like that, however my DM was , and definitely from around the age you mention. Mountains out of a molehill situations. Wanted people to know about it, uou would hear the story pretty much every visit until.something new took its place.. She would complain, occasionally really not nice to staff who couldn't alter the situation as they dont have the power to. I apologised several times for her behaviour as we were leaving yo be told 'dont you apologise for me'

After reading some comments and looking back I feel she was probably always like that, but as others have said when lives are busy with family, kids etc it probably wasn't as noticeable. Having time on her hands, esp after DF died probablybdidnt help the situation. For about 7yrs she was very much 'well I wont be here for christmas' so we'd ask where she was going and she d say one day I will be right!! And she was!

Father -no, generally very content despite everything. Is late 80s in age.

Agreed. Same with my folks. Plenty of cash, assets and little to do but fettle and fuss - what would be low level worries, or even not a worry at all, is amplified and castrophised and becomes a massive thing. They get stressed or fixated over a small thing, such as an MOT, and what would take you or me an hour, is a whole day event. Its frustrating I know. My Dad's always made himself busy but been easy going and he admitted recently he worries in the mornings about what he's going to do for the day. He started recently (South Manchester) Men in Sheds which is a voluntary group that helps to reduce social isolation in older members of the community. MiS provides a setting where people can socialise, work together, learn new skills and share their own and hes found his "people" building stuff within the community..but its not a fix all and he still has his days....

In my opinion moaning about petty things like blueberries is a sign that they don’t have enough going on in their lives! What do they do to fill their time, do they have hobbies, sports or activities they do either separately or together? Do they go to classes, to learn or develop skills, or to be creative? Do they garden, volunteer, are they active in their community? If they were busier and had more things to keep themselves busy they wouldn’t have time or the energy to be moaning and whining.

I am slightly older than your parents and am really looking forward to tomorrow because it is the first day for well over a week that I don’t have anything planned to go to outside the house and am looking forward to slopping about!

Maybe you should encourage rhem to do some volunteering. They sound a bit self absorbed.

No. The women I know who married older men all left them when they got older. So much for true love. One left coz her husband developed a habit where he started jiggling his legs about and making grunting noises when sitting on the sofa. 😂

No, not all people get like this. My late parents were pretty happy and content until they died in their late 80s, and didn't stress much about things. DF was a bit of an overthinker, but he'd always been like that.

I'm the same age as your parents OP and I don't stress much, and although I will be renting for the rest of my life, and the money I have in the bank is going to run out some day, I am happy and content with my life.

I definitely don't think this a general thing as people age, not.
What does seem to have happen sometimes is that certain characteristics, often flaws become exacerbated. I would guess that your parents have always tended to be negative, glass empty type people who don't cope with change/inconcenience well. It sounds as if they have been very fortunate in life so far and are very well off so perhaps you haven't noticed it so much before as they have been well cushioned from problems.
Your parents do sound very tedious and tiring @Thesleer. Can you encourage them to do some volunteering or something to distract them from their own minor concerns?