Have you noticed this with your parents as they’ve got older?

[Thesleer]

I don’t know if i’m being unfair. I’m in my early forties and my parents are late sixties. They have a few buy to let properties and whilst not incredibly wealthy they are comfortable. I feel this detail is relevant as it means they have lots of options open to them. Neither work now, they are in decent health generally, have a few grandchildren they see regularly. Both have wide friendship groups and socialise.

But, they just don’t seem happy. Always wanting something else. Is this what happens as you get older? The current drama is whether they need to move house, it’s like they enjoy creating a chaotic situation that simply doesn’t need to exist. Every weekend they’ve asked me to view houses with them (I have two dc so life is quite busy!) and they often comment on how life is nearly over.

On a lesser scale, there’s often dramas about getting home from a shop and the blueberries or whatever being off, calling the shop and having a rant about it, just really insane petty things. It all seems so stressful even from the outside!

I have sympathy in the sense that I can understand how life can feel empty sometimes even when it isn’t, but truthfully I’m also getting sick of the inability to see they have a pretty nice life! AIBU? Is this what happens as people
age?

My parents are 100% like this!

This is not intended to be ageist - and suggests something temporary so I think maybe isn;t ageist in the most extreme sense - but I was reading the other day that midlife crisis keeps moving about a decade older every 15-20 years. So once it was seen as a mid 30s thing. I tend to think of it as a 45-55 thing, but maybe it has crept into the 60s as we all begin to live longer and expect more out of our later years.

Could it be something like that op? A kind of focus and anxiety about what the next bit should look like?

Yes. I’m thinking of a couple.

one couple - the husband retired early and wife SAHM. Fine while adult kid living home until 20s. After retirement and empty house. Wife has become agoraphobic and very anxious sadly. Totally different to when I first met them. VERY invested in children’s lives.

Well my tolerance of dealing with the endless bullshit of everyday life is now pretty much zero, so maybe your relative has come to the same conclusion.

But we all 'age' in different ways. Physically and emotionally. Please don't stick us all in an 'over 65' category and view us all in the same way.

I had a really easy menopause but I don't criticise other women who are peri or menopausal and finding it hard.

My parents had a hatred of technology so their later years required lots of our time to help them navigate their SMART meter, their tv, the requests for online banking. My in-laws of the same age were IT literate, facetimed regularly, had smart watches.

My most regular facebook 'friend' is a former schoolteacher in her late 90s. I also have friends in their 50's who have all kind of aches and pains - and lots of complaints.

😂

My parents and Inlaws 70s
....all very positive and active. I work with the age group and everyone positive...it's the poor health that makes things negative. Think it's your parents not general. Why they feeling low.

A lot of older people have various health concerns and pains, which can really affect attitude (and sure, this can apply to younger people, and some older people are super healthy and fit). But health worries can drain pleasure from the now and make you worry about the future, so unless they're really hurting you, just be sympathetic-but you don't have to join them househunting if you don't want to.

Not my oldies. They are becoming more frugal as time passes despite having plenty of assets. They live well, enjoy their large house and garden etc, but they aren’t interested in ‘stuff’.

I think retirement can lead to extreme boredom and losing a sense of “purpose” for some people. Especially people who have no hobbies, interests and a desire to travel. I think that can lead to behaviours that your parents are expressing. Your world must become much smaller, so your problems become much bigger.

Reading this site it seems to be the younger people who get 'stressed' and 'anxious' about the tiniest things and are incapable of making the simplest decision without canvassing the opinions of total strangers.

I am in my mid 60s. I generally have a fairly laid back attitude and don't get too fussed about inconveniences. These things happen and as long as it's not deliberate or caused by someone else being selfish or inconsiderate, then I don't get too fussed.

DH, on the other hand, gets extremely irritated by these things and he is far more likely to be returning things to shops etc. He is late 50s.

What you describe, OP, sounds like you have grumpy bored parents, rather than simply them being old.

Agree 👍

I see this with my parents in law definitely. My Dad is dead. Mum definitely makes bigger deals out of small things than she did even 10 years ago. All 3 like to complicate things unnecessarily....

Also, have you got more caught up with your own life and it is a sort of cry for attention/space in the conversation? I realise that when I speak to my mum, especially, I tend to download all the worries and updates about my dc. They probably do sound a bit inane to anyone other than me. DC1 wanted a certain costume for Halloween, but it was sold out/Amazon won't deliver in time. DC 2 has a music exam the day of the school trip so I am am going to have to do a drop and collect on a busy day as they don't want to miss the trip .... and on ... and on .... Maybe they are trying to make things sound urgent in their lives to have a bit of the airwave time!

I’ve observed this in some older people.
mainly if they are retired and possibly a bit bored/ lonely. That feeling of unfulfillment can lead to discontent and making mountains out of molehills I assume.

My DM and DF are early 70s (I’m 44). Over the past 10-15 years, and definitely since she retired 4/5 years ago, my Mum seems to have lost any of her confidence/self esteem (which wasn’t particularly high in the first place) and as a result has definitely become more insular.

She chooses only really to socialise with family or one or two friends, doesn’t like going out too late, eating out past 7ish etc. Sadly this list of people she’ll spend time with doesn’t include the decades old friendship group made up of another 6 couples, comprised of many childhood/school friends of my Dad’s. These are people I’ve known all my life (literally visited me in the maternity hospital as a newborn), people I would refer to as Aunties/Uncles even though there’s no blood family connection, people who have been involved in most family milestones (siblings weddings, big birthdays, grandparents funerals etc).

Over time this has meant invites to events, birthday meals, catch ups, couples trips away, celebratory occasions like christenings etc have reduced and then dried up and now the only way my Dad gets to see some of these friends (including the man who’s been his best friend since 15/16 years old and a woman he’s known since Reception class), is when we both go to watch the football (his b/friend, his wife and another male from the friend group are Everton Season Ticket holders too) or when everyone’s health, finances, schedules and the weather permits allow the odd game of golf.

He’s been struggling health wise more recently and it’s really beginning to make me feel bad for him, as I don’t know how long he might have left and I hate the thought of him missing out on precious chances to enjoy himself and spend time with people who are important to him, simply because my Mum has become a bit of a hermit.

I’m really lucky that my DH and my DPs get on really well and he’s more than happy to spend time with them. So I try to do what I can - everything from taking them away for short breaks and holidays abroad to just inviting them out to join us for a few drinks on a random Saturday afternoon at the local bar.

I wish I could say the same for my two younger brothers (42 and 37), both of whom could definitely make more of an effort with my DPs. In fact, I’m genuinely worried about the future, as we plan to relocate to Spain when we turn 50 so I won’t be just around the corner for me to visit, help out, give lifts for appointments etc and I’m not completely confident that my DBros (or my SILs who will likely have their own family responsibilities to manage and shouldn’t really be on the hook anyway!), will step up to fill the void.

@Thesleer I don’t know what the answer is. All I feel I can do is what’s in my power to involve my DPs in as much of the wider world as possible and facilitate that however I can. Yes it can sometimes be draining and a little bit thankless but I know they won’t be here forever and I won’t be able to change anything when they’re gone. So I’m determined to make the most out of it, both for them and for me.

My parents are similar! They get upset & annoyed over really minor things. Neither have any patience & everything’s a calamity. I think they have always been like this to an extent but now have too much time on their hands so its’s definitely worse. DM will call or text my sister ranting & raving while my DD tends to rant at DM & they bicker constantly too.
One example is that early in the pandemic Asda had no 50-50 bread! It was the end of the world to my DM till it was pointed out people were dying!

I think negative personality traits can become more pronounced as we age. My Mum's always had what my eldest calls 'main character syndrome' which has def got worse over the past few years. She's also always been quite quick to take offence, and that's worsened too. I can see her half a dozen times without her asking how i am, and she frequently forgets anything i've told her, yet will tell me every single time about how, for example, her neighbour is getting on her nerves.

otoh we've family friends in their 80s who've always been very kind, upbeat, community focused etc and they're exactly the same now. I think a lot is to do with a person's natural mindset - a 'glass half full' person will always shrug off minor annoyances, regardless of their age.

I'm almost your parents age and don't recognise this in myself, but I still work so maybe that's the difference? I DO have a friend, mid 70's, who is exactly like this. Thinks life is stressful whenever there is anything to sort out. Usual life admin stuff. I've said a few times, you used to do all this while working full-time. It really isn't a big deal. But they're deaf to it.

Agree.

Your parents are your parents and not indicativebof a whole demographic.

Agree.

Nope not a general thing. My dad is mid 60s, enjoying life to the fullest. In laws are late 70s, also enjoying themselves and not complaining. I don’t think it has anything to do with age

That’s brilliant. Mine is in her 90s and similar. Still playing Bridge and Mah Jong. She has no time to complain and says every day on earth is a blessing. Not without her aches and pains but a great role model for successful ageing.

Nope they’re my age and I’m definitely not like them