Have you noticed this with your parents as they’ve got older?

[Thesleer]

I don’t know if i’m being unfair. I’m in my early forties and my parents are late sixties. They have a few buy to let properties and whilst not incredibly wealthy they are comfortable. I feel this detail is relevant as it means they have lots of options open to them. Neither work now, they are in decent health generally, have a few grandchildren they see regularly. Both have wide friendship groups and socialise.

But, they just don’t seem happy. Always wanting something else. Is this what happens as you get older? The current drama is whether they need to move house, it’s like they enjoy creating a chaotic situation that simply doesn’t need to exist. Every weekend they’ve asked me to view houses with them (I have two dc so life is quite busy!) and they often comment on how life is nearly over.

On a lesser scale, there’s often dramas about getting home from a shop and the blueberries or whatever being off, calling the shop and having a rant about it, just really insane petty things. It all seems so stressful even from the outside!

I have sympathy in the sense that I can understand how life can feel empty sometimes even when it isn’t, but truthfully I’m also getting sick of the inability to see they have a pretty nice life! AIBU? Is this what happens as people
age?

This exactly what my parents are like.
They will manufacture some controversy.
It’s always related to something minor.
They have a comfortable life, no drama.
I think it just adds a little frisson for them.

No, I think it's your parents in particular, and I'm sorry for this, genuinely, but they sound like a couple of old duffers.

There was some research that suggested we all have a happiness quotient. We tend to rate our happiness fairly steadily regardless of circumstances. Happy people tend to be happy despite dire situations. Stress people tend to be stressed regardless of actual stressors.

When people have full on lives- work, relationships, house maintenance, caring responsibilities, they have plenty to be stressed about so their reactions look normal. When they have achieved various goals- mortgage paid off, less care responsibilities, more holidays…. they still act as unhappy and stressy as ever, but now it looks odd because they gave literally to be stressed about.

So same attitude behaviour happiness, different life circumstances. They look petty.

Not much with my parents. They're executors for a couple of relatives. They've been sorting out other people's stuff, squabbling relatives, nursing care, homes etc etc etc.

It's meant they've been stressed, tired and then bereaved, but they're definitely not sweating the small stuff and appreciating the lighter side of life when it makes appearances.

No definitely not normal at their age. However what is to be encouraged is to sort out their living /accommodation needs be for they get much older or you will be doing all the necessary requirements for that. Also they should be liquidising their assets, sorting POSs and wills. When that is all done take themselves off travelling assuming they are in good health.

I think it's a end of life crisis - like the midlife crisis. Obviously they're not at the END of their lives, but possibly near the end of the part where things are easy(ish) to do. So they're thinking they need to do everything. Moving house sounds like an extreme way of kicking out against age and trying for a new start. I'm not saying nobody over the age of 60 ever needs to move house - but it's important they understand why they WANT to. I.e. will a house move (which is very stressful even when it's straightforward) solve whatever is wrong in their lives. If it's a downsize, nearer family, nearer shops etc, then yes it might be a good plan long term. If not.. that's a different conversation.

I just think we become aware of our own mortality, and try to fight against it the only way we can.

*POAs

My mums in her 80s and she does find some things stressful that wouldn’t have bothered her at all when she was younger, like if a train is cancelled she’ll get quite flustered. I think that’s just to do with feeling more physically fragile though. Her basic outlook on life hasn’t changed, she’s always been pretty busy and happy, and still is. Lots of hobbies and interests.

You don’t have to do anything. Just let them get on with it. Late 60s is not old!

My MIL is like this, but it’s more reading the Daily Express and ranting about immigrants. Disapproving of everyone and everything. My dad was a weird mix of energy, positivity and carastrophising when things went wrong. Basically the emotional regulation of a toddler. I think he had ADHD. My GPs were very positive and engaged on the whole ( until my GM died and GF more or less gave up). Sadly my mum died at 54 so never reached old age. But she was a very calm and well balanced person.

My ( still fit & active & driving) DM can’t possibly do something else the same day she goes food shopping (Thursday) or God forbid change her food shopping to a different day because of something happening that day! She refused a lunch invite recently because it was Thursday!

Would you say their world is quite small, OP?
I ask this because my in laws are very much like this. Their whole topics of conversations are all around the friction they have with people, friends, relatives and services (GP, hospital etc). They have very few friends now & hardly go out. The only social contact is with health services, shops & family. They are both 80.
My parents are the opposite. They are socially quite active, and each has their own activities and friends that they socialise with. Physically they are active with walking, cycling, gardening and my mum goes to the gym 3 times a week. Mentally, they are both on social media and they keep up to date with what's going on locally & nationally. They still go abroad on holiday and they have lively conversations and things to talk about when we go round to see them. My parents are 76 & 81 and their world is much bigger.
Looking back, my in laws were always more prone to moaning and looking for faults with things, e.g, complaining about meals when we went out. They ran their own business and liked to think they had some social standing in the community. My parents were more laid back and worked in normal jobs, but were far more accepting of people. I wonder if any of this relates to your parents?

Just your parents.

DH and I are 68 and 64. We don't have any BTL properties but are reasonably comfortable and have been retired nearly five years. I absolutely don't recognise your parents attitude in us. Honestly, we are having our best life. Loads of interests and hobbies and always planning our next holiday or mini break. Generally happy and with a glass half full attitude.

Not surprisingly most of the people we know and socialise with are a similar age to us, or older. In general I would say most of them are more like is than your parents appear to be. Both of my sisters are in theur 70s but still full of fun and enthusiasm for life.

No @Thesleer this is not an age thing. Some people are just like that. My parents were never like that. I am not like that, but my partner’s family is and it’s really beginning to grate.

I’m in my sixties and I am nothing like this.

I wonder if them being landlords has something to do with it. I’m a landlord myself and try and resist the control freakery I see in some of my colleagues and landlord online forums. A whole raft of new legislation has come in, making it even more regulated with more pitfalls for landlords, maybe that’s added to their stress levels?

I've read similar PrizedPickledPopcorn, and it made sense thinking of folks of my (65+) age. In my experience its the ones who constantly try to 'buy' happiness with things who end up puzzled to find life generally a bit 'meh'.

😂 my dm couldn’t see us one Tuesday because “but that’s pub quiz night”. I offered to go to them and leave before the quiz but they had a plan for that day and it felt like they couldn’t do more than one thing. we live over an hour away and that was the only free day in half term. The quiz is weekly but nope, can’t miss it. Also can’t see us Sundays as she calls my brother for up to 1hour (he’s abroad).

She also does the weekly shop on a Saturday… of all the days, who the fuck goes shopping on a Saturday by choice when you’re retired?!?! - my mum, apparently! 🤦🏻‍♀️

They do always have a drama but that’s more because df has a brain tumour and has become very rude - can’t work out if that’s the tumour effect or being terminal means he has zero fucks to give.

My Dad started going down this path (late 60's). A lot of moaning about the world and anger at immigrants (the irony being that he was also an immigrant). The reality is he has been very lucky in life and is quite wealthy and healthy. Life has been very kind to him.

I got him off social media and he rarely watches TV these days as the news just seemed to make him angry. This seems to have helped and he is more engaged with life again and seems calmer.

@CoffeeAndCats3 love the image of you getting your dad off social media. Like Australia’s ban but in reverse, kids getting their parents off it !

You can't make anyone see anything

Pull back a little. Don't be as available

Suggest they see the GP re anti depressants?

No, I feel like mine are generally more content with life now they’re older.

I know some very contented old people (the busy ones with lots of activities and friends). But definitely noticed the tendency, even in them, to get a bit obsessed with tiny things that they'd never have thought about when they had things like jobs and dependent children to worry about. The getting a bit overwhelmed by minor and easily fixed problems. The letting small jobs expand to fit the time available instead of just getting it done like you do when there's a bunch of other stuff to do next. Seems to just be the nature of age and not having a job to fill up a big chunk of your time and thoughts.

I think that people’s characters just get more pronounced as they age beyond 60 or so - if you’ve always been a worrier your anxieties gradually amplify
if you've always been a bit negative half glass empty you become more bitter and stressed at small things
and equally
if you’re a joyful person you become even more sweet to be around - I definitely know oldies like this

and this also exacerbates with dementia

i think it also has to do with faith beliefs - if you have a religion and don’t think that death is the end then you’re more positive about old age I think - I’ve noticed that church goers generally seem more content in their old age and I imagine the same might be said for other religions

There are also a lot of younger posters who seem to also be obsessed about small things too, especially social invites, kids birthday parties, collections for teacher’s presents and so on.