To not make my son share?

[drearyllama]

I took my 3½-year-old to a toddler swim session today where they put loads of toys and floats out. We arrived at the start of the session and he chose 2 buckets, a watering can, a few small toys and a float, then we went to the opposite end of the pool away from everyone else because he prefers independent play.

He played happily with those same toys for around 45 minutes. Another family then arrived and came to our end of the pool. Their older child repeatedly tried to take the watering can from my son, but he said, "No thank you, I'm playing," and held onto it. The child's adult moved him away the first time.

About 10 minutes later it happened again, but this time one of the adults came over and, while I was sitting right next to my son, told him that he had to share because he had two buckets. He again said,
"No thank you, I'm playing," but she took one of the buckets anyway and handed it to her child, saying,
"See, you have one now."

My little boy was upset because he'd been playing with those toys for nearly an hour. I didn't want to argue in front of the children, so I just reassured him and left it.

About 10-15 minutes later, the little boy came back again and tried to take another toy. This time my son shouted "No!" The lady came over, collected her child and said to the other adult, "Shall we get out?" The other lady replied, "Yes, because he's not sharing and she's not making him share."

We absolutely teach our children to share, but our rule is that if they're still actively playing with something, they can finish their turn first. Once they're done, sharing is expected. I also feel that if another parent had an issue, they should speak to me rather than taking something from my child.

I'm genuinely interested to know what others think.
Would you have said something, or would you have left it?

The toys didn’t belong to your DC they belonged to the pool and were put out for all children to use.
YABU here, he should have shared he had them already for 45 mins when they arrived.

If he wants so many toys like that, then you take your own. Otherwise you take turns. He doesn’t get to decide when his ‘turn’ is up, meaning any length of time. You as a parent give a time, ‘2 more minutes/goes then we swap toys ok’ or something like this. So other kids get to play too. Why would you think it is ok for your DC to have a hoard of toys while other children don’t have any?

this is a lesson you need to teach, and sooner rather than later.

“our rule is that if they're still actively playing with something, they can finish their turn first”

This is not sharing. If the child has finished playing then they don’t want the item anymore, so it’s free for someone else to use anyway. Sharing means giving up your turn sooner than you would otherwise have done because otherwise the other person would have no turn at all or have an unreasonable wait. That’s the life lesson - thinking of others and recognising that their needs and wants are as valid as yours. There’s no life lesson in your version of sharing.

You are the sort of parent I don’t like. Selfish and you are teaching your child to be the same

PP is absolutely correct, a typical 3.5 yo should be speaking in full sentences.

Your child should have shared. If they were his own toys then no of course he does not have to share, but they are not his.

You let your child choose 7 toys moved him away to the other end of the pool presumably away from other children. Does he have problems sharing or interacting with other children? He will really struggle at school if he needs this much isolation to play with hoarded items. Maybe encourage play and sharing.

"We absolutely teach our children to share, but our rule is that if they're still actively playing with something, they can finish their turn first. Once they're done, sharing is expected"

Giving someone a toy that you're no longer interested in isn't sharing. Sharing is when you allow someone to have a toy despite wanting it yourself, because you realise that taking turns will allow everyone to have fun over time. The fact that he'd been playing with with it for an hour is not a reason for him to keep it but a reason for him to pass it on.

OP I think it was unfair to have all those toys for such a long time.

you kid was probably targeted as there were not enough toys to go around and he’d had them for an hour!!

they’re not his toys. They were shared with other families.

you could of rotated with some other toys or offered them out.

it’s been a while since I’ve been to those session s but the watering cans were always a favourite and only a few. So after 5-10 mins we would put to the side for someone else to use and find something else.

@Goldengirl123this encapsulates it so much more simply than the rest of us have managed to. Two tidy sentences: so powerful. 👏

I think YABU We take our own floats and toys swimming and share them with others its good to teach them to share at a young age it encourages them to play nicely and build friendships, why did you purposely hog them all? could you not have took one or two and then returned them to swap with other toys after playing with the ones you finished with? No wonder the other child wanted to play with them you had so many im sorry but that was incredibly selfish of you.

He chose too many toys and took them all away from the group. You could have picked a couple and when he got bored, returned them and swapped for others. YABU.

However, the other adult(s) are wrong for taking something away from him. They should have spoken directly with you. But equally, you should’ve stepped in here and yes, made him share. It doesn’t matter that he was actively playing with them, he’d had them almost an hour.

Were there any other toys available?
Your son does seem to have had a lot and he had had them for an hour which is a long time to monopolise shared toys which are there for all the children in the pool not just your child.

Probably because he had so many toys all to himself while other children didn't have any.
Can't you see that that is very selfish?

You’re one of those parents. You are being totally unreasonable letting him have so many and not share with others but so long as your child gets what he wants!

In your example that’s not sharing, that’s taking a free seat. Gosh there are some nitpicking nancies on here today - I’m literally saying what she did was wrong and people are coming at me for a generalisation. Get a life.

Do you have a problem with reading - nowhere ever, on any comment have I even suggested what she did was warranted!

Ive simply said she didn’t HAVE to give them up, but she should have because that’s what a society and civilisation is about. Never ever have I said otherwise. You just jumped on me without reading properly.

There is a difference between sharing and borrowing. OP is borrowing toys from the pool and intends that her child will use them for their entire session. Sharing is not this.

if you are going to hog sorry borrow a toy for the whole session then take one toy, not multiple. It’s selfish and greedy.

At first I was thinking you were going to say they were his toys. If these were shared toys available at the pool for all, clearly they were limited (otherwise I don’t see why they would have made it such an issue) and you should have given up one of the buckets, no matter how nicely he was playing.

So your kid have like 5 tots for an hour and you don’t expect him to share???

no way

we need to teach kids to share and be empathetic! Help others.

Most likely because your child had quite a few toys and the other children might have only had 1 or 2. At these types of sessions it's encouraged to swap toys so all children get a turn of playing with certain toys.
Your behaviour with your son was very selfish and entitled.

I agree with you. This thing of sharing is weird. Can you imagine adults behaving like that. “Oh my turn now with your husband, you’ve had him an hour, share!”

Eerm so he literally had over 6 toys to himself? For over an hour ? Doesn't sound reasonable to me and of course he will prefer to play alone - then he doesnt have to share!!!

In my example the adult hogging multiple chairs with their bags/coat is using more seats than they need.

In the OP the child is hogging more toys than he can possibly play with at once.
Therefore the adult can give up the spare seats and the child can give up the spare toys.

I would somewhat disagree with this, @tonystarksrighthand - not because I think anyone should share their partner, but because, in this case, the things being hogged and not shared were not the personal property of the child/family - they were intended to be used by any child at that play session, and the OP had allowed her child first to take far more toys than he could play with at any one time, and then keep them for an hour. In this case, he should have been sharing with the other children there.

@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius- yes I quite agree with you there and forgive my skimming of the OP.