To not make my son share?

[drearyllama]

I took my 3½-year-old to a toddler swim session today where they put loads of toys and floats out. We arrived at the start of the session and he chose 2 buckets, a watering can, a few small toys and a float, then we went to the opposite end of the pool away from everyone else because he prefers independent play.

He played happily with those same toys for around 45 minutes. Another family then arrived and came to our end of the pool. Their older child repeatedly tried to take the watering can from my son, but he said, "No thank you, I'm playing," and held onto it. The child's adult moved him away the first time.

About 10 minutes later it happened again, but this time one of the adults came over and, while I was sitting right next to my son, told him that he had to share because he had two buckets. He again said,
"No thank you, I'm playing," but she took one of the buckets anyway and handed it to her child, saying,
"See, you have one now."

My little boy was upset because he'd been playing with those toys for nearly an hour. I didn't want to argue in front of the children, so I just reassured him and left it.

About 10-15 minutes later, the little boy came back again and tried to take another toy. This time my son shouted "No!" The lady came over, collected her child and said to the other adult, "Shall we get out?" The other lady replied, "Yes, because he's not sharing and she's not making him share."

We absolutely teach our children to share, but our rule is that if they're still actively playing with something, they can finish their turn first. Once they're done, sharing is expected. I also feel that if another parent had an issue, they should speak to me rather than taking something from my child.

I'm genuinely interested to know what others think.
Would you have said something, or would you have left it?

Were there plenty of toys available for the other children?

That's the one post you engage with?

Sharing and turn taking is a skill we want to develop in young children. You need to be mindful of that.

My daughter would hoard toys when she was little too.
As much as she didn’t like it she needed to learn that the toys are there for all the children and to not take more than you need.

I don’t know if there were other toys of the sort left by the time the family arrived. I imagine other kids may have had them. Why did my child have to be targeted after the first time he said no? Why no one else’s?

You don't get to take shared toys for the duration of a session! What if him 'actively using' something meant no-one else had anything, does that sound fair? What if it happened to him?

Because your child had more than his fair shares worth!

Impossible to say without knowing:

Were other buckets and watering cans available?
Were any other toys available?
Was your son actively playing with all three things at the same time? I can’t really imagine a game that needs two buckets and a watering can all at once.

I’m going to agree with the majority; unless there were plenty of spare toys it was incredibly unreasonable to allow your child to hog so many for so long.

I never forced my kids to share at all time, they are allowed a go

but that seems to be an awful amount for one child, how many toys were left for the others?

If I had been the other mother, I would have come and shared half the ones you were hogging 😂

Nah, not great

😱...Bucketgate

There is a lot of evidence that forcing children to share before they've finished playing actually produces children who resource guard and are less likely to share voluntarily. What @drearyllama descibes is the Montessori principle that everything is communal except whilst it's in use, and whilst it's in use nobody else takes the toy/equipment/materials.

On the other hand this was a communal shared play situation, so the question really is whether there were enough toys to go around. If there weren't then leaving one child with nothing is very poor social skills, and a typically developing three year old can understand that if it's explained.

Its completely irrelevant that the other child was older (and completely possible you misjudged their age - people always mistook two of my children for twins even though they are two years apart because one was tall and broad and the other small and slight - parents made passive aggressive comments about how my three year old was "too old" to be in the under 6s area with his five year old brother and two little sisters (and he was playing with his siblings and not doing anything he shouldn't have been).

Why did he need 2 buckets AND a watering can? How many other buckets were there? TBH it does sound as if he was hogging more than his fair share, and you were going along with it.

If he ever goes to nursery/pre school - I’m assuming he doesn’t yet - he may have to find out the hard way about sharing and taking turns.

You sound like you were a bit thoughtless to let him take so many things. You need to be more proactive. When he goes to race lirsbof things say choose two tots please. You can swap them later. When the other child wanted a bucket you shoukd have taken it from your child and offered it.

Why did you take at least seven toys at a time?

Maybe everyone else took two because they know the rules of social etiquette and that's why you were 'targeted' (stupid word in this context by the way) because you had more than enough for him to play with. Which you did.

If it was the only watering can you should’ve let the other kid have it. Your son had had it for ages.

Surely this isn't the point?

I think after your child had been playing with those toys for the amount that you stated it is not unreasonable to share with someone else then.

Why are you seeing it as targeting your child?

It's an odd way to see it

I'm guessing that other people in the pool probably asked other children if their child could play with whatever toy as well if there wasn't one. I doubt it was you being targeted in a situation like you're talking about

YABU ,are you the parent at a playground who allows their child to hog the swing for as long they want to stay on it ? You really should have given one of the buckets to the other child. Very rude and setting a very poor example to your child.

Sharing when you no longer want something isn’t sharing OP, it’s discarding. Most people would find holding on to multiple shared toys for this long completely unreasonable, if you’re genuinely interested as you say, see what most posts here say

Probably because other children didn't have two buckets, a watering can a float and a few small toys...

I think the other adults were really rude but I think an hour turn is a long turn time when there’s other children waiting to play with the toys.

I totally understand wanting to let your child have their turn but I would have personally said something like “we’ve being playing with these toys for quite a while now, we’ve had a nice long turn, shall we let the boy have this bucket/ toy and play a new game” sharing & turn taking are important skills and I don’t really think it’s sharing if it’s a case of “you can only have this when I’m done” if I allowed that with my children at home then my younger ds would never get a turn with the toys.

Is the Montessori principle also to hog seven toys for upwards of an hour - when obviously they are NOT all being played with?

Why ask if you are being unreasonable if you are unwilling to consider that you might be?

This is bloody awful.
He took a whole bunch of toys, you helped him, allowed him to hog them for upwards of an hour and you don’t seem to be worried about creating a selfish monster. Well done you. Gold medal parenting.