To not make my son share?

[drearyllama]

I took my 3½-year-old to a toddler swim session today where they put loads of toys and floats out. We arrived at the start of the session and he chose 2 buckets, a watering can, a few small toys and a float, then we went to the opposite end of the pool away from everyone else because he prefers independent play.

He played happily with those same toys for around 45 minutes. Another family then arrived and came to our end of the pool. Their older child repeatedly tried to take the watering can from my son, but he said, "No thank you, I'm playing," and held onto it. The child's adult moved him away the first time.

About 10 minutes later it happened again, but this time one of the adults came over and, while I was sitting right next to my son, told him that he had to share because he had two buckets. He again said,
"No thank you, I'm playing," but she took one of the buckets anyway and handed it to her child, saying,
"See, you have one now."

My little boy was upset because he'd been playing with those toys for nearly an hour. I didn't want to argue in front of the children, so I just reassured him and left it.

About 10-15 minutes later, the little boy came back again and tried to take another toy. This time my son shouted "No!" The lady came over, collected her child and said to the other adult, "Shall we get out?" The other lady replied, "Yes, because he's not sharing and she's not making him share."

We absolutely teach our children to share, but our rule is that if they're still actively playing with something, they can finish their turn first. Once they're done, sharing is expected. I also feel that if another parent had an issue, they should speak to me rather than taking something from my child.

I'm genuinely interested to know what others think.
Would you have said something, or would you have left it?

He had 2 buckets as well as lot of other toys.

yes he could have given one of the buckets imo

was there other toys left so other boy could have played

This is totally unreasonable! I can't believe you can't see that. Why take so many toys and not share?

Not to mention it's so age inappropriate. A 3.5 year old isn't processing all that and negotiating, he just gets bored and distracted by the end.

The sooner they learn to share the better. I had to remove my child at that age on several occasions when she refused to. The time out method worked for us as it allowed her to ‘reset’ and start afresh going back into soft play or whenever. She is now at 11 a very generous girl who will share anything.
The gentle parenting thing sounds good but I am sorry, they just don’t understand and it tends to escalate things.

Kindly op I think you are both wrong. Sharing by nature is letting someone else use something after a reasonable length of time even if that person (child) isn’t fully finished, otherwise that’s just using it till they’ve naturally had enough and don’t want it anymore. So you aren’t teaching “sharing” by saying you can play as long as you want with it and then someone else can have it, that’s not sharing. With my child I would have set a time limit on said item once another child was interested to have a turn I.e 5-10 minutes, communicate this to the other child or parent and my child and then enforce this after the time was finished. He also didn’t need 2 buckets especially if there was a limited supply. You absolutely should have shared a bucket. She shouldn’t have took it without permission but if her child had nothing to play with and yours had a hoard of toys then I can see why she was fed up.

The only surprise on this thread is that 11% agree with OP😜

I'd of said 10 more minutes then let someone else have a go.
Like if you go to the park you can't hog swings etc .. its etiquette to share give someone else a turn.
You're little boy is thinking its ok to keep all the toys its up to you to encourage him to share or he will have major tantrums in future.

Your child played with multiple toys for 45 minutes. You should have allowed another child to play with said items after that. However I wonder if something else is at play here as you mentioned taking him to the other end of the pool as he prefers not to play with others. If that's the case you need to emphasise sharing.

Very very sad. I’m wondering what you are trying to teach him when you take him to a communal pool, a session dedicated to parents and their toddlers and then you segregate him from everyone else because you think he prefers to play on his own? What’s the point then? Surely these sessions are largely to do with teaching the children how to socialise while they play and they’re supervised by their parents to help them navigate these things, to teach them about the wider world they live in and the other people who inhabit it. If he isn’t enjoying himself or has had enough after an hour then take him out and do something else quietly, a drink in the cafe or little picnic together. It’s so important to make sharing become something natural, especially so that school doesn’t come as a huge shock. I can sympathise with the pp who relays the story of the girl in the school playhouse who wouldn’t let anyone in. There was one such girl in my dc’s class who became violent and started biting anyone who tried, my daughter had her nose bitten. She then retaliated.

So how would you feel if you were the other parent and your child had nothing to play with whilst your son hogged multiple items? He needs to learn that he’s not more important than any other child and sharing is and important skill that you should be teaching him.

Do you really have to ask? Of course you are unreasonable, these are shared toys and they are here for everyone. Your son had a good stack of toys for an hour. If I was the other mum, I’d have asked you for this second bucket much earlier. If you want toys that are exclusively for your son, you have to bring your own.

Because you'd seemingly hoarded a good 7+ toys. Unless the pool was completely full of them, clearly there wouldn't be enough to go around.

I don’t think OP will be back!

Sounds like you allowed your son to hog a load of shared toys for a long time. At home if you have your rule about finishing their turn then fair enough, that’s your toys. But in a time-limited swim session with shared toys, then I’m afraid it’s very selfish to hog a big load of toys, especially multiple of the same item! It may be the easy route not making your child share, but in the long run he’ll find it easier to learn about letting others have a turn if you teach him now. Turn taking is exactly that, playing for a short amount of time then giving someone else a chance (even though you may still want that toy yourself). If you always wait for him to finish his ‘turn’ then actually you’re just teaching him that as long as he grabs something first then he can have that thing for as long as he wants. That’s not sharing or taking turns.

You should have encouraged him to share. He's only little so he did nothing wrong, but you are doing your own child a disservice by not teaching him to share and take turns. It isn't fair on the other children at the activity either, or the parents who are trying to teach their children to share and take turns.

op "I'm genuinely interested to know what others think."
....unless everyone disagrees with me in which case I'm out of here!

You should have made him share - Johnny you’ve played with that toy a long time, let the other little boy have a go now, we can go and find a different toy. You just taught him to ignore other kids pleas to share and hog his toys.

That's a very long session in the pool you must have been freezing! I think it also sounds like a long time to hog the toys for unless there were other accessible toys for the other children.

The toddler was swimming lengths, no doubt.

I can remember once when mine was that age in pool and another mother told my DD that she had to share the rubber ring I had bought from home. I told her it was ours from home and she still complained and said we should share. And no I didn’t make my child share.
I think if there are plenty of toys to play with in the pool .

I agree with others, you should let him pick 2 toys max, and if he wanted to change them later then swap them over. If he really doesn’t like sharing then take your own toys

The fact you took the stash of toys off to the other end of the pool suggests you didn't want to have to negotiate a situation like this. But kids do have to learn to give and take a bit. And you said he doesn't like to play with other kids - but he's learning from you so it would be good to teach him that he can tolerate giving his toys away because someone will give him something back.. that's what you hope - or he walks around and finds a toy lying around somewhere and he gets to try that one out now. It's all about variety and exploration, not ring-fencing and protecting. You haven't come back to the thread OP so we can't know how many toys there were.. but it did sound like quite a stash. No wonder he had some asking..

"Our rule is that if they're still actively playing with something, they can finish their turn first. Once they're done, sharing is expected"

This isn't sharing. This is turn taking😂

Im guessing he prefers independent play, as your not teaching him to share with other children.
He should try mixing with other children, and then share, else he will suffer in later life.

You are teaching your child to be selfish. Preferring to play alone than with other children will cause future poor socialisation and a raft of problems as he gets older. You need to teach him that it’s more fun to play with others. It’s great that he can entertain himself, but there needs to be a balance and he needs to be able to share and cooperate.