To not make my son share?

[drearyllama]

I took my 3½-year-old to a toddler swim session today where they put loads of toys and floats out. We arrived at the start of the session and he chose 2 buckets, a watering can, a few small toys and a float, then we went to the opposite end of the pool away from everyone else because he prefers independent play.

He played happily with those same toys for around 45 minutes. Another family then arrived and came to our end of the pool. Their older child repeatedly tried to take the watering can from my son, but he said, "No thank you, I'm playing," and held onto it. The child's adult moved him away the first time.

About 10 minutes later it happened again, but this time one of the adults came over and, while I was sitting right next to my son, told him that he had to share because he had two buckets. He again said,
"No thank you, I'm playing," but she took one of the buckets anyway and handed it to her child, saying,
"See, you have one now."

My little boy was upset because he'd been playing with those toys for nearly an hour. I didn't want to argue in front of the children, so I just reassured him and left it.

About 10-15 minutes later, the little boy came back again and tried to take another toy. This time my son shouted "No!" The lady came over, collected her child and said to the other adult, "Shall we get out?" The other lady replied, "Yes, because he's not sharing and she's not making him share."

We absolutely teach our children to share, but our rule is that if they're still actively playing with something, they can finish their turn first. Once they're done, sharing is expected. I also feel that if another parent had an issue, they should speak to me rather than taking something from my child.

I'm genuinely interested to know what others think.
Would you have said something, or would you have left it?

If this is true the Mother will need to be prepared that her little darling will be unpopular at school. Greedy selfish children often are.
I notice the OP has not come back either, that's what makes me think thos is a wind up.

this all day long

OP: My little boy was upset because he'd been playing with those toys for nearly an hour...

We absolutely teach our children to share, but our rule is that if they're still actively playing with something, they can finish their turn first. Once they're done, sharing is expected.

...
That's not sharing is it. If I'm sitting at a long table and somebody asks me can I share this table with you I don't say okay when I've left it and call that sharing.

Thought this was a reverse at first but I think you are earnest, worryingly. You are teaching your child that his wants are more important than other kids, and therefore you are teaching him that he is more important than other people, not great.

Hearing things like this confirms my concern that many parents have become too child-led / permissive / 'gentle', and that it's going to create a generation of rather entitled kids!

I agree they need to be taught from early, as this thread demonstrates.

Sometimes reinforcement is needed though as good manners and consideration is sometimes not in the forefront of young minds.

The clue is shared toys , your son picked quite alot of the shared toys and had them for an hour , you are beinf very unreasonable

Yay - another entitled man added to the world!

Letting people use things when you have finished is not sharing. He is in for a big shock when he goes to school and mummy isn't there.

No no no.

I am a gentle parent. All it means is, in that scenario, I would empathise with my son's inevitable frustration when I tell him that he can't sit there hogging 9 toys with his 2 tiny hands and he needs to choose the one he'd like to play with and put the rest back in the toybox.

I wouldn't shame him for being upset. I'd tell him I know it's upsetting, but he can't sit on all the toys like a dragon on gold. He's the most important person in the world to me, but he isn't the most important person in the world and all the other children should be able to have a lovely time in the pool.

He's too little to understand sharing. I'm not.

My gentle tone is every bit as direct as above. I don't pander. "I get it, and you can be as mad you like about it, and we can decide what to do about how you're feeling. We can leave if you like or we can stay and play with one toy, but what's not happening is you keeping all the toys. Choose your weapon."

Don't make this about gentle parenting. The OP is a dick.

I think if he took a shine to one toy maybe you could get away with hogging a little bucket or watering can the whole session if there were plenty of others.

However, you had far too many toys ring fenced by you for just him to play with. If you don’t like to share them I’d buy some and bring your own next time. Use permanent marker to label them and explain they’re from home.

Really would be better for your child to learn to share modelled by you. So say something to the effect of ‘lots of children would like to play with X toy, you can have it for 5 more minutes then we’re going to share/ swap’.

Sharing is the act of dividing, distributing, or jointly using resources, space, or experiences with others. It can mean handing over a portion of what you have, mutually experiencing an event, or communicating thoughts and feelings.

That is the definition of sharing. Do you think that’s what you were doing?

Unless there were enough toys made available for all children to have the same number of toys as your child, you're not only being unreasonable but also selfish and quite entitled.

It’s so worrying (and frankly upsetting) that people think that this constitutes as parenting. You’re doing your young child a huge disservice by not teaching them social norms (how to share properly!) and making the next generation so selfish, egotistical and entitled.

@mumuseli this isn’t gentle parenting.
Im all for gentle parenting done properly- this isn’t it.
people label crap/selfish/ineffective parenting as gentle parenting, which gives it such a bad name.
I do gentle parenting, but I also teach my children to share, I also give my child appropriate consequences when they’re needed.
More and more ineffective parents who just can’t be bothered to make their children upset by saying no to them (ie, by making them share) are being labelled as doing gentle parenting when in actuality they’re just not parenting their children at all.

@LookInsideMySpottyBag (and @Bloozie , who also pulled me up on this)... Ok, I'm sorry that I used the wrong term. I posted in a hurry earlier, and to be honest, I don't know the difference between the official terms 'gentle' and 'permissive' parenting. My DC are a bit older, so I missed out all the new wave of parenting approaches that are prevalent now.
I agree with what you both said about how you would have dealt with this swimming pool situation - so you both sound like great parents, so if that is the gentle approach then that sounds good to me!
I'm sure you get my point though about the way that some parents are centring their DC so much that it's creating entitlement.

Your child was 'targetted' because he had MORE toys collected than other children playing with things. They were not HIS toys, they are shared resources for the session. He doesn't get to keep them for an hour and leave other children without. YOU should have been the one to see that there was a child with nothing to play with and encourage your child to choose something to give up.
Or bring your own set of toys to yhe pool and then he has the right to keep them. Honestly some people really dont realise the damage they are doing by teaching such selfish behaviour.

I’m picturing you lugging your loot of

• two buckets,
• a watering can,
• several small toys,
• a float,
• and a 3 year old

to the other end of the pool to hog those for an hour.

And then feeling ‘targeted’ when people notice where the toy stash went and came to ask to share.

very unreasonable, school will be an eye opener

That's way too many toys to take and keep for the whole session. There may not have been any toys left for that child meanwhile your kid has taken numerous toys for himself. He didn't need 2 buckets, that's selfish

@drearyllama are you coming back?

Any thoughts on the feedback 24 pages in?

We absolutely teach our children to share, but our rule is that if they're still actively playing with something, they can finish their turn first.

A turn would be - to most people - 10 minutes or so, not an entire hour. An entire hour is called "hogging the toys" to most people.

I always admired one of my friends for the way they dealt with a sharing/taking turns issue. I watched her at a play date and I do mimick her a lot in other ways, this one stuck with me.

Her daughter went through a phase of getting incredibly zoned in on a game at around the age of three. It was a phase but she would be fixated on repeating the same task when it came
to water/mud/building play, and would always want to use the same toys to do it. In the end, my friend used to take her bag of toys with her to the pool and explain these didn’t need to be shared, but the pools
toys had to be, as they weren’t hers to keep. She could take turns with them, but at some point it would be time to put them down so someone else could play. It just worked well, she understood she could get into the zone with her toys, mum wasn’t stressed worrying about her sharing and it really helped the little one to understand that shared toys weren’t hers to keep for very long periods, but she could say she didn’t want to share her toys at that moment and that would be enforced by mum if needed. She was fine with nursery and then school, even at a soft play where she got into building a tower, she did so well when her mum reminded her they were shared toys.

Oh dear. How to raise a spoilt brat. I hate seeing this behaviour where parents would rather let their kids have their own way than deal with a toddler tantrum. Lazy parenting at it's finest.

The OP has probably flounced off now, thinking we are all unreasonable and that her and her little precious prince can hog whatever they want for however long they want.

Countdown to her arguing with nursery and school when the little prince finds out that he can't do whatever he wants and throws tantrums.

Oh dear! You’re unwittingly letting him down.

You must know you’re being unreasonable and encouraging your child to hog communal toys is going to lead to bigger problems FOR HIM when he starts school.

What YOU need to be teaching him as his parent before he starts school, is how to get along with, play and share toys with the other children.

If you don’t think ahead and change your attitude, your son will be the one being left out of play dates and party invites etc. It’s not just about him but if you’re viewed as an ineffective permissive parent, the other parents won’t want to be bothered with you either and school holidays are very long when your child has no friends to play with.

The fact you say your son 'prefers independent play' really just means he isn't good at sharing, and you're fine with that, doesn't it?

YABU, obviously.