To not make my son share?

[drearyllama]

I took my 3½-year-old to a toddler swim session today where they put loads of toys and floats out. We arrived at the start of the session and he chose 2 buckets, a watering can, a few small toys and a float, then we went to the opposite end of the pool away from everyone else because he prefers independent play.

He played happily with those same toys for around 45 minutes. Another family then arrived and came to our end of the pool. Their older child repeatedly tried to take the watering can from my son, but he said, "No thank you, I'm playing," and held onto it. The child's adult moved him away the first time.

About 10 minutes later it happened again, but this time one of the adults came over and, while I was sitting right next to my son, told him that he had to share because he had two buckets. He again said,
"No thank you, I'm playing," but she took one of the buckets anyway and handed it to her child, saying,
"See, you have one now."

My little boy was upset because he'd been playing with those toys for nearly an hour. I didn't want to argue in front of the children, so I just reassured him and left it.

About 10-15 minutes later, the little boy came back again and tried to take another toy. This time my son shouted "No!" The lady came over, collected her child and said to the other adult, "Shall we get out?" The other lady replied, "Yes, because he's not sharing and she's not making him share."

We absolutely teach our children to share, but our rule is that if they're still actively playing with something, they can finish their turn first. Once they're done, sharing is expected. I also feel that if another parent had an issue, they should speak to me rather than taking something from my child.

I'm genuinely interested to know what others think.
Would you have said something, or would you have left it?

Different issue and don’t want to derail the thread with a discussion about gentle parenting - but can you imagine how long this would take?

My friend’s a gentle parent and her son’s really indulged I’m afraid because she hardly ever uses the word “no” with him. The real world isn’t like this, I am afraid: when these kids get into it, they’ll get a short, sharp shock when they realise people with whom they interact aren’t going to validate their feelings of frustration or endlessly explain why they they can’t have what they want.

Gentle parenting doesn’t prepare kids for the harsh reality of life. We’re already seeing it in the workplace: these young people are a nightmare to manage.

Exactly. "Your turn" can't last the duration of the whole flipping session! 🙄🙄

Why are people still replying as if OP is still reading, she is long gone.

I’d agree with you if your child had 1 or 2 toys but he had a lot, there’s no reason he needs 2 buckets. You should have shared.

You are raising a spoilt monster.

Pool toys are for everyone. I would never allow my kids to take more than one at a time. Or we bring our own if there are things I know they'll want to have to themselves.

I suspect as always though, this will be a case of:

OP: AIBU?
MN: YES!!!
OP: No I'm not.

Agree that you should’ve shared after an hour- if it was at the start of the session I agree but I also think at a public place it’s for everyone. Why go if you’re just going to play alone / not share… you may aswell just play at home in the paddling pool!

This is unbelievable if you think what you did to your child was reasonable. You are teaching him a very bad lesson.

I don't have to imagine. I know how long it takes. I had a 3.5 year old son.

It takes slightly longer than it would to forcibly remove the toys, but cuts the emotional aftermath. I am NOT a perfect parent, but my son rarely if ever tantrummed, we never got into battles of will.

"There aren't enough toys to go around, so we need to share. Choose your favourite and we'll put the rest back so other children can choose a toy and have a nice time playing."
"No."
"Would you like me to choose a toy for you?"
"NOOOO! I'm playing with ALL OF THEM!"
"You're not though - you only have 2 hands. I know you want to keep hold of all of the toys, and I know it's frustrating, but you can only play with one at a time and these aren't your toys. They're everyone's toys, for all the boys and girls, not just you. Last chance - you choose, or mummy chooses?!"
"Noooooo!"
"OK. You're too angry to even choose. I get that. I'll choose. Let's keep the watering can because that's super-fun."
"Noooooo!"
"If you're too mad to even play with the watering can, then we can go and do some swimming or just go and play with your toys at home. Is that it - that you want lots of toys to play with?"
"Yes!"
"I seeeeeee. Yeah, it IS fun when you have lots. But the toys here are everyone's toys not just yours, so you can't have lots and we have to share them - get a wriggle on and we can get out and dry and go and play at home. Which toy are you looking forward to best?"

I would far rather take that time, than deal with a screaming kid. I don't have the bandwidth for tantrums.

And honestly, if you haven't got the time to have a conversation with your child about something as important as sharing, you've got bigger problems.

Re preparing kids for the 'real world'. I see things another way. We're raising a generation that isn't as cunty as previous generations, that is more empathetic and accommodating, so the 'real world' becomes a better place.

The 'harsh realities of life' are another way of saying, 'the product of parenting that modelled disrespect and didn't teach empathy or communication skills'.

My son is doing very well at work, his boss loves him, he wins awards and spot prizes... He's only 17 with a retail job, but I don't think he's a nightmare in the workplace. You sound like the Daily Mail tbh.

This

To embarrassed to come back, perhaps she is learning how sharing works 🤦‍♀️
would anyone come back 🤦‍♀️

And all of that negotiation would still have taken far less time than hour that the OP let her son monopolise the toys, @Bloozie - so a better solution, imo than what she did.

Visualising this makes me laugh out loud!!!

Sorry but this is hilarious, you went to a group - took two of the same thing amongst other stuff - buggered off to your own corner for an hour, he screamed at anyone that tried to take it and you think you're in the right?

😂

Really unreasonable of you and your son.

Yes you share the toys and you should be encouraging him to play with the other kids.

@AnonyMumAuDHD , it probably is a reverse. No sensible person would think the OP's behaviour was acceptable.

OP's not been back for almost 24 hours.

This is the rub of the situation. I think you are expecting us to reinforce your view and Im not sure you're listening. He had a lot of toys and he held onto them for a long time. But it's your responsibility to get him well socialised not his.

YABU the toys aren’t your child’s they are for everyone to share. Your DC doesn’t have ownership of them and shouldn’t be hogging them for an hour. Why weren’t you managing the situation?

Because your kid had 2 buckets, a watering can, a few small toys and a float - and only 2 hands
You were aware that there were no toys for other children and your son had more than he could carry but you dont feel he should share - you should have been kicked out by staff.
You do realise you raise him to be this selfish and entitled he will not make friends easily - when he starts scholl other kids will not want to spend time with him

I think you are being very unreasonable. It's a long time for a child to have all those toys when other children would like to enjoy them too, and it's not really sharing if he doesn't want them anymore.

If they were toys owned by the venue, you took way too many unless there were bucketloads. YABVU. Child will benefit by learning to share.

It's also extremely stressful trying to explain to a toddler that they can't have a toy that they want when they can see it all the time in the pool. It probably ruined the swimming time after a while for the others. This is not a good lesson to teach your children for later in life. He won't make many friends at school that way.

So you treated a public share session as your own personal play session.

They aren’t your possessions they are shared resources in a session that others have paid/been invited to attend. Assuming all the toys were taken, you should have offered some of the toys to new arrivals. Not all of them and not the one your child was playing with but you have no right to hoard loads when others don’t have them. It sounds like you had an awful lot and that you are teaching your child awful selfish habits.

@Bloozieyeah I get into battles of will with my son sometimes. Which I win, because I’m the parent and I am in charge. And he knows that.

I’m not scared of tantrums; displaying the big feelings is an important development point. Not everyone’s going to tiptoe round you to ensure you don’t get frustrated: it’s totally unrealistic preparation for life.

It’s also MUCH harder to practise gentle parenting with multiple kids.

You were wrong not to share, she was wrong to have removed the toy from your child.
It would be good for your child to learn to share.