AIBU to object to my 13-year-old daughter moving in with her dad?

[Bigglebiggle]

Have a DD age 13, for the last 10 years she has lived with me primarily and stayed with dad every other weekend and through the holidays. There has been periods in the past she has said she does not like dads and did not want to go, however I have always encouraged this.

I have been with my partner for 3 years, due to get married next year and ever since the engagement DD has been trying to split us up. Recently she has told her dad and school information that is not true, leading to the welfare officer being involved. She does not like my partner as she feels he is strict on her, however he asks her to do what most 13 year olds do, tidy her room, help with chores etc.

DD has informed us and her school she wants to live with dad, however I know this is just a phase and informed her and her dad this is not going to happen, I dont want my child living away from me. Today I have got a call from the school to say DDs dad has picked her up and taken out a court order, im at a loss of what to do, im heart broken.

AIBU to think he is just being over the top and to go to their his house to demand her back?

No...it seems like she has justifiable issues with your present bloke.
Sounds like you have a mature thirteen year old who does not want to be bossed about by the bloke you're about to marry and who she does not make her feel secure in her own home.

Have him move out until he's 18 or so. He can stay over when she's at her dad's. Courts will listen to her more and more as she gets older.

She don't want to live with you and you shouldn't use your partner to tell her what to do. He isn't her father?

Teenagers routinely try to disrupt their parents' new relationships. You are entirely right to back your new partner e.g. in requiring chores etc of DD. Your ex has decided to weaponise your DD's strategy to break you and your partner up. If she is that keen to live with your ex I would let her go. Tell her she can come home whenever she pleases and is expected to attend your wedding - tell your ex this as well and make sure he knows the date so has no excuse to prevent DD attending.

She should do no such thing and is entitled to a life of her own. Her ex has a new partner the DD doesn't object to, so the DD is trying to specifically break up her mother's relationship - she may have done this before, but it is typical teenage behaviour to do this and it has to be stamped on hard.

This is such bad advice I don't know where to begin, but luckily most people on the thread are wiser than this.

And even luckier, the child has an alternative option to being stamped on hard and is using it. Go on stamping hard on a child who's already voted with her feet over having Mum's boyfriend order her around. See where that gets you...

Alternatively it's this particular bloke. Let her live with her Dad, better than forcing her to live with a man she doesn't like with no choice in the matter.

The daughter is entitled to a life of her own too.

No wonder she is choosing a perfectly good alternative elsewhere, for being 'stamped on hard'.

What is the information she has told school which you say is not true?
Without sounding rude to you, I always keep in the back of my mind ‘there is no smoke without fire’

My mother prioritised her new relationship when we kids were all adults (not even children) and as a result now has no contact with my brother and two of her grandchildren. And a different relationship now with her two other children as a direct result of her decisions. Tread carefully to protect your family (you and your children)

How many men have you introduced her to since you split with her Dad?

I had posted chose your child. But I take that back. Your child is far better off with her father. Interesting you don't mention the 2 and 10 year old you used to have.

Some may say this is extreme but could you not hold off on marriage until she is an adult herself for the sake of your relationships? She may feel differently about the situation then

That poor kid. Better off with her dad.

I’m with your daughter op. If someone other than my parent is giving me orders I’d leave. You’ve got a choice, ditch him and keep your daughter, or keep him and do irreparable harm to your relationship with your child.

if this is real, which I really hope it isn’t, please for the love of god change your ways.

this is a 13yo CHILD crying out that’s she’s unhappy. We can only guess as to why - it could be just teenage hormones or it could be unspeakable abuse or anything in the middle. The reason matters less right now than your response to it. If you do anything other than prioritise your daughter over this man, she will be traumatised for life and probably never forgive you.

Ditch the man. Go back to dating him on a weekend while she’s at her dad’s. Give it 5 years and see how things end up. You have your whole life to remarry but those years can never be reclaimed for your daughter.

You are going to have to choose between your daughter and your partner. That may not be fair, but it’s a fact. Listen to your conscience.

But she hasn’t done this before. It’s just this guy

I presume the others didn’t order her around in her own home and think they are her father to be obeyed

Yikes, at the end of the day you are trying to force your child to live with someone who isn’t her parent and whom she doesn’t feel comfortable living with. Whether you think her feelings are justified doesn’t matter. You really need to prioritise your child’s needs here.

He also shouldn’t be telling her what to do or what is “expected,” he’s not her parent.

New boyfriend is giving red flags that your 13 year old can see but you can’t.

I can’t ever imagine putting a guy in front of my own child. If she’s liked other boyfriends and other partners of her dad but this one guy she doesn’t like. There HAS to be a reason. I’d have ditched him after a few months if it wasn’t working out between my kids and him.

When I think back to being thirteen - all the stress of hormones, being harassed by boys at school, and so on - the idea of having to deal with all that on top of a strange man living in my home and my mother prioritising him over me... it's horrific. And this isn't even the first time the OP has moved a man in with her kids.

How on earth could she believe nothing will change when all she has known in her short life is constant change?

Multiple relationships, men moving in etc. Absolutely ridiculous. Maybe she sees her dad’s new relationship as the more stable and homely offer right now.

What's this? There are other children?.

You say you’ve always encouraged DD to stay with her dad so you obviously don’t think he’s a safeguarding risk of any sort, so what’s the problem with her living with him?

It’s about what’s best for her, not what you would like for yourself. She says she’s scared of your fiancé and you are ignoring her. Her dad is listening and supporting her. You should try to understand instead of dismissing her.

So it’s particular to this guy, and you’re not listening.

She has every right to go and live with her dad. You stick to your guns you lose your DD. What kind of outcome is that?

Listen to your daughter. There is a problem with this man.