AIBU to object to my 13-year-old daughter moving in with her dad?

[Bigglebiggle]

Have a DD age 13, for the last 10 years she has lived with me primarily and stayed with dad every other weekend and through the holidays. There has been periods in the past she has said she does not like dads and did not want to go, however I have always encouraged this.

I have been with my partner for 3 years, due to get married next year and ever since the engagement DD has been trying to split us up. Recently she has told her dad and school information that is not true, leading to the welfare officer being involved. She does not like my partner as she feels he is strict on her, however he asks her to do what most 13 year olds do, tidy her room, help with chores etc.

DD has informed us and her school she wants to live with dad, however I know this is just a phase and informed her and her dad this is not going to happen, I dont want my child living away from me. Today I have got a call from the school to say DDs dad has picked her up and taken out a court order, im at a loss of what to do, im heart broken.

AIBU to think he is just being over the top and to go to their his house to demand her back?

Then leave her alone. Let her live with her Dad. The last thing you should be doing is forcing an unhappy teenage girl to live with a partner of your that she doesn’t like.
Either give up your man or let your daughter leave.

Surely you don't find it unusual that she doesn't want to live with a random man that isn't her dad and who tells her what to do?

"because of this" - you mean moving a man she doesn't want to live with into the house?

Surely she is entitled to peace at home? Its her home! Entitled?! Poor kid!

You have been with your partner for three years.

You have been with your daughter for thirteen years.

In about another seven or eight years, (when you will have been with your partner for ten years and your daughter for twenty+ years) your daughter could well decide to move out.

That would be the better time to move your partner in/get married etc.

A daughter is for life. Don’t miss out on the next crucial years of her development for the sake of a three year relationship.

Well clearly she doesn't come first at the moment if all you can do is call her entitled! She sounds like she's very unhappy. And why aren't you disciplining her rather than the boyfriend? She's YOUR daughter, not his. Cut her some slack and focus on her rather than yourself.

Finally, she isn't your possession and she has TWO parents. Maybe she'll be happier with her Dad fulltime.

I'd bet it was your partner who told you that you failed her in the early years.

So what’s the situation OP? Why was your DD airbrushed out of your previous posts? Is your 5 year old fine with this new man as they’re too young to object? Or is the 5 year old with your new man? Stepson where is he?

How can you be so sure that the fact she’s playing up and getting into trouble now isn’t a cry for help due to her miserable home life?
You are deliberately ignoring the posters who are mentioning the red flags with your man.

Sounds like a change would be good for her then.

She's living at her dad's now, she's made her choice.

Just work on rebuilding your relationship and do some self reflection on what has led to her change of behaviour rather than jumping to the easy strategy of blaming her for being entitled. Your partner sounds domineering and the environment unstable. Hopefully your other kids are okay.

Why are you allowing this man to tell her what to do and why are you arguing with him about her behaviour? He needs to step back, his role is not to discipline your daughter or to set rules for her. And men can be scary if they start shouting, maybe believe her when she says she us scared.

It doesn't sound like she has ever come first. And she is indeed "entitled" to be safe and comfortable in her home.

Your partner had no place telling her what to do. It’s not appropriate. You should have stopped him. You didn’t. Now likely you’ll lose her for a while.

As heartbreaking as it is, let her go live with him. If she doesn’t like it there (like she has previously said) she’ll soon want to come back and if she doesn’t then you’d need to understand how unhappy how she is about current living arrangements

Yes check op previous posts.it makes it clear this 13 year old has more sense then her mother and is far better off going to her father's stable environment.

You know how many partners my split parents have introduced me to?

One. My mum has remained single (by choice) and my dad has only ever introduced one - when we were about 16 and they were about to move in together after a number of years. They're now married, been together 25 years. I love her to bits.

Ditch your partner and sort your head out.

Prioritise your daughter. Full stop.

You’ve loved multiple men into your daughter’s home over the last ten years. How can you say you’ve always put her first?

You sound like you are minimising your daughter's experiences and prioritising your new partner. If I had a partner of 3 years I would not want them to be telling my daughter to do chores, that would be up to me and my parenting. It sounds like their relationship is not great and you are minimising her perspective rather than trying to understand and resolve things looking at what your partner can do to change his behaviour to make her more comfortable at home. You also admit having arguments about her behaviour and this just isn't appropriate for her to witness, is it about him being strict with her? Then you seem to think you should be able to tell her where she is living at 13 when she will and should have a big day in this at that age. Stop telling her what to do, start listening to her, prioritise her over your new man. Then you might have a chance in keeping your relationship

I’m wondering whether this is the real reason why OP is objecting to DD moving out. After all, the DD’s objections are being ignored.

I suppose OP marrying this man also means he will own half of her home, and he’s laying down the law already. Poor DD.

A court would consider her old enough to choose. But, it’s up to you what you do now.

I'm thinking maybe she changed the sex of, and relationship to, her dd in that post to hide her identity?

You reap what you sow my dear. Should have got rid of the man years ago. This is why I would never move a man in. Widowed 8 years ago and will never complicate the family setup with a man.’

You've made your choice - a(nother) partner
your daughter is making her choice.

Think you need to take the rose tinted glasses off OP and see things from your DD point of view. From what you’ve said, she is clearly upset about her home life. Put your daughter and her needs first. She’s 13, yet you seem to be of the opinion that you shouldn’t be prioritising her like she’s an adult?! She shouldn’t have to put up with some random guy attempting to be her dad and telling her off either

Why can't you have a relationship without living together, or waiting until your DD is 18 for him to move in.

This man is a stranger to your daughter. He has no right to be telling her anything, requesting anything of her, questioning yiur parenting or involving himself at all.

you definitely should not be arguing with him about her behaviour, it is nothing to do with you.

if you prioritise this man and your relationship over your daughter then she should go and live with her dad