AIBU to object to my 13-year-old daughter moving in with her dad?

[Bigglebiggle]

Have a DD age 13, for the last 10 years she has lived with me primarily and stayed with dad every other weekend and through the holidays. There has been periods in the past she has said she does not like dads and did not want to go, however I have always encouraged this.

I have been with my partner for 3 years, due to get married next year and ever since the engagement DD has been trying to split us up. Recently she has told her dad and school information that is not true, leading to the welfare officer being involved. She does not like my partner as she feels he is strict on her, however he asks her to do what most 13 year olds do, tidy her room, help with chores etc.

DD has informed us and her school she wants to live with dad, however I know this is just a phase and informed her and her dad this is not going to happen, I dont want my child living away from me. Today I have got a call from the school to say DDs dad has picked her up and taken out a court order, im at a loss of what to do, im heart broken.

AIBU to think he is just being over the top and to go to their his house to demand her back?

You have allowed a man into your home who orders your child about and apparently criticises her at every turn and you somehow think SHE’S at fault here?

Team DD

The most dangerous thing that can happen to a child is to have an unrelated male move into their home. Your daughter is taking care of herself because you won't.

Mmmm I smell a rat
Definitely more to it
Partner really shouldn't be so involved in parenting of DD
He sounds jealous and needy

She has lived with a couple over the years? Just how many men have you moved in to live with her and then split up with?

You’ve only been with this guy for 3 years. He shouldn’t even be living there.

I’m a single parent. I’ve been with my boyfriend 2.5 years. He met my kids after 18 months but didn’t stay over at mine with them in the house until a few weeks ago. Why is this man living with you, when you’re disgusted has already been made to live with other men you’ve paraded through her life?

She doesn’t want him there. Something is wrong. You need to listen to her. He needs to love out, been temporarily, whilst you take your daughter to family counselling and find a way through this. You’re ignoring what she is is saying and plowing on ahead regardless of what it’s doing. It’s really selfish, shit parenting. Thank god her dad is doing right by her.

She probably thinks you’re going to split up like you did with the other ones and wants you to get on with it! Poor girl, why do you need a man right now??

Like it or not, this life/these experiences are shaping her for life- no couple should be arguing with kids in the house. Do it when they’re out, or more quietly. Or, ideally- learn how to work through issues like grown ups.

Your daughter has told you what her problem is, listen. The fact she’s fine with her dad’s partner shows she’s open to the idea of step parents but doesn’t like the partner you’ve chosen.

I was your daughter and I wish I’d had a dad I could stay with back then. I didn’t and my mum ignored me, writing off my feelings as a teenage phase like you are. Our relationship is permanently damaged even now because she has shown me she is unable to prioritise my safety and happiness.

I have read the whole thread and it seems that you have another dc from another marriage separate to dd's father, plus other relationships in between.

I am actually agog at this being any young girl's home life. No wonder she has gone to live with her father. You have failed to provide any proper stability for this girl, and you have also made her live with random men. One of which now scares her enough that she has gone to live with her dad.

She now has the agency you have denied her. At 13 I imagine no court will override her wishes and make her live with you if her home at her fathers is serving her interests better - and that is where she expresses she wants to be.

Poor girl. I have a 12 year old dd and I cannot imagine doing to her what you have done to your dd. You also speak about her as if she is a possession... while letting your latest shag drive her away.

YABU utterly and outrageously so.

If I was your daughter I'd leave too what is is with stupid woman putting partners before their kids? Then you wonder why they hate you? Ditch the guy and she'll stay

"Due to get married next year and ever since the engagement DD has been trying to split us up."

Since she was 10? Looks like you've treating her as competition rather than a vulnerable child.

I don't think her dad is being over the top.

Speaking as a stepdaughter, my stepdad came into our lives quite early on and didn't discipline us or tell us what to do for a good few years - although I'm sure he wanted to! Only once he was firmly in our lives and 'friends' with us, would he tell us to step up and help out more, not talk to people 'like that' etc., and he actually asked us first if we would be happy with him marrying our mum. He'd tried really hard to develop good relationships with us first. We absolutely had our ups and downs over the years though, don't get me wrong!

Will you get an opportunity to talk to your daughter soon? Listen to her concerns, let her know she is absolutely your priority and that step dad will go easy on her from now on? It might be best if she stays at her dad's for a while, while everyone has a chance to breathe. You need to decide what's more important, keeping your fiance in your home or having your daughter back. She may well be being difficult, but she is a child and not well equipped to deal with the emotions she's having although she has been pretty clear in her wants and needs by the sounds of it.

Best of luck it sounds like a very difficult situation.

You really need to think hard about what you just said here. She's not lying if you yourself say that there have been more than one argument about her.

Why is she aware of this? Can't you see how damaging it is to her to hear you argue about her.

As others have said. Why is he parenting YOUR daughter when the relationship with him is poor and your not even married yet. Why aren't you saying. Okay Fred, this isn't working, I will step up and do all the parenting and especially the chore setting / discipline. If he's not happy with your parenting then that's between the two of you, in private NOT and argument about your daughter as a person.

She is at a difficult age, your relationship with her matters.

So she got along with all your previous partners AND her dad's wife, but she's clearly telling you she doesn't like your new boyfriend, and is scared of him. She bothered to tell her school, to tell her dad, and he was worried enough to get a court order. AND still you think the problem is with HER, she's 'telling everyone lies' and is planning to move out, just because your partner asked her to do a couple of chores? Right..

Also, and I'm fully aware that's judgy, and I don't care. 'All your previous partners'? How many were there? So you divorced her dad, then (according to your previous) married someone else quite recently, and now have yet another 'fiancé'? I'm not coming from any sort of 'sluttyness' position, but this inability to live without a man for 5 mins, dick before kids, it's all a bit pathetic. And I can definitely sympathise with the girl here, oh look, mum's partner of 2026 moving in, will we get yet another brand new one for Christmas 2027??

Date if you want to, that's fine. Just don't move in every Tom, Dick and Harry and don't marry each and every one of them, ffs.

I have an almost 14-year-old DD and a partner of 8 years. I divorced DD's dad when she was 3. I dated during those years, but nothing serious; DD never met any of them. Now I have a partner of almost 8 years. DD knows him and likes him fine, but we have no plans to move in together. Although she likes him enough, and he has no inclination (and I'd never allow him) to 'discipline' her or tell her what to do, I still get that she doesn't want an unrelated man moving into her space. I also wouldn't want that in her place. Our home is her safe haven, where she can relax, be silly, prance around semi-dressed, and do whatever. She's a young teen. She'd be uncomfortable, and I respect that.

I have a 13 year old and I know they can be hormonally, overly sensitive creatures, and if you said she's previously loved living with her dad, or did 50/50, I'd say maybe she's just having a jealous pout about mum's new man, but moving out to somewhere she is less happy to spite you for daring to love again makes NO sense. She's deeply uncomfortable around your man... ditch him if you care about your daughter.

Why is your partner ordering her around so much? Surely it’s your job to decide how you want to parent your child and he should follow your lead?

This exactly
and now the OP is upset
I’m thinking how upset her daughter must be it’s a disgrace

Chose you child.

I'd be concerned my child dislikes my partner that much. I don't think I'd have a partner that long if she felt so strongly against him at that age.

If she doesn't want to live with you and your partner who she doesn't like, forcing her to do so will not help anything will it?

She's not a possession, so no you can't 'demand her back.' Not against her consent. Unless the dad is dangerous or neglectful which it doesn't sound like he is.

That’s a fair question!

I literally can’t think of anything worse as a young 10-13yr old girl going through puberty, than have a strange unrelated man living in my house!

It astounds me that women continue to do this to their daughters. Really beggars belief. Just wait literally five-six years until they’ve moved out???? Put your daughters first. I would never do it to my daughters.

In OPs case, your daughter is being brave enough to articulate her discomfort and you are ignoring her and criticising her for it. Let the poor girl live with her dad ffs.

No you can't demand her back as if she is an object that you own.

You haven't been listening to her, and she is old enough to make her own decisions.

Why would she want to? She didn't choose to be parented by someone she dislikes.

Who isn’t actually a parent.

I'm a step daughter (only child) and my step dad was introduced to me when I was 5. He never told me off and was just a wonderful kind soul. My Mum asked me if I thought she should marry him and when I said 'yes' we went and asked him together (I presume they had actually already become engaged before then). He died when I was 9 and not once was I scared of him.
As others have said - ditch him, he sounds awful. I am forever grateful my Mum married my stepdad - it sounds like your daughter would never feel the same and anything less than that is poor parenting by you.

She has been repeatedly telling you she is unhappy but you have bypassed that and moved him into her home and space anyway. She has had to act with her feet.
Why couldn't you just date and live apart?
You will have to choose whether you live with your new man or your daughter.

I'd be listening to her a lot harder than you appear to be, especially since she has not displayed such an antipathy for previous partners, it seems like she has voiced her dislike for the man loud and clear, and is deeply unhappy with the possibility of him becoming further entrenched in her life and her home. Thank goodness she has people around her that will listen to her concerns - her father and her teachers - and a place where she will feel safe - her father's house. Because it doesn't seem like you provide either of these things at this point.

Get the male partner to live elsewhere and you live with your daughter.