AIBU to object to my 13-year-old daughter moving in with her dad?

[Bigglebiggle]

Have a DD age 13, for the last 10 years she has lived with me primarily and stayed with dad every other weekend and through the holidays. There has been periods in the past she has said she does not like dads and did not want to go, however I have always encouraged this.

I have been with my partner for 3 years, due to get married next year and ever since the engagement DD has been trying to split us up. Recently she has told her dad and school information that is not true, leading to the welfare officer being involved. She does not like my partner as she feels he is strict on her, however he asks her to do what most 13 year olds do, tidy her room, help with chores etc.

DD has informed us and her school she wants to live with dad, however I know this is just a phase and informed her and her dad this is not going to happen, I dont want my child living away from me. Today I have got a call from the school to say DDs dad has picked her up and taken out a court order, im at a loss of what to do, im heart broken.

AIBU to think he is just being over the top and to go to their his house to demand her back?

You haven’t listened to her. She’s been telling you she doesn’t like your partner and you haven’t put her feelings first. Now you want to demand she comes home. You sound very selfish, sorry

I agree. I have been with my partner for nearly 23 years, but we have never lived together. DD was 12 and DS was 10 when we got together and I definitely wouldn't have had him move in. We both love each other, but we also both like our independence.

I would never pick a man over my daughter

The issue of step parents telling a child what to do is a complex one. I would say that things like when they should tidy their room, how late they stay out, how much pocket money they get, who they hang out with, whether they come along on the weekend visit to grandma, their behaviour at school, for example are ones the biological parent should deal with. To expect the step parent to be entirely passive when it comes to general behaviour is weird in my view. I’ve done house shares when young and if I’ve a problem with a housemates behaviour I sure as hell don’t think I need to keep my mouth shut because I’m not their mother. Before anyone says a child is not a housemate, that’s just an example, equally applies to a friend, colleague or relative behaving unacceptably.

If your daughter doesn't want to live with you and your partner, you have three choices.
Let her go.
Tell you partner to move out.
Talk to your daughter and see if there could be changes in your household that would make her want to stay, then agree with your partner to make them.
What is plain is that things can't continue the way they have been as your daughter is unhappy, has options and has the support she needs to choose a different one. Whether you think this is unjust to you and your partner is neither here nor there.

you’ve chosen your partner over your daughter

I really think you need to start listening to your dd if you don’t want to lose her.

She’s telling you she isn’t comfortable living with this man. Telling her off and arguing with you re her behaviour are not good signs, and this is on your own account.

Bringing another adult into a child’s home is not something that should just be done lightly, or without fully considering the effect on them. And unfair or not, bringing an unrelated man into the home is more problematic than an unrelated woman, usually.

This is what really fucking angers me about people trying to blend families. It’s all done to suit the immature adults and not a flying fuck is given about the needs of the children

Who cares about the man. She is your girl. Grow up and look after your child. What is wrong with people these days. No man would ever be first in my eyes.

I'd be interested to hear more about the OP's other children she says this issue has nothing to do with. Just a throw away comment at the end of her final post.

She sounds very unhappy with your fiancé but you’ve continued moving forward with him. You’ve made a choice here and she is also able to make choices in response.

I don't condemn her for wanting a partner, I just don't see why he has to be living with them, never mind marrying. Many people have excellent, committed relationships in which each keeps their own home.

People are saying it's OK for the girl to to go and live with her dad because that is what she wants to do, right now. It is preferable,, in her eyes, to staying with mum and future stepfather. Only time will tell but from what I read, it seems like a good idea now, she can but try.

I wish the op would come back and let us know how things are going.

You have not put your daughter first, you moved a man into her home, allowed him to boss her around and she knows full well that when you marry it will become worse. You never should have let your man tell her what to do, ever.

Maybe you should really listen to her. She’s clearly very unhappy.

Well done to her real Dad for stepping up.
Kids first always.

Not quite all your life, she is only 13 and gone through you and her dad splitting up. You have now taken away her safety and home by bringing another man to live there. Are you sure she’s not mentioned stuff before? I’m sure she has but it’s probably fallen on deaf ears or she hasn’t because she loves you,and you haven’t picked up on her discomfort. Now you’re getting married to the douche who thinks he has a right to tell your daughter off, it’s become permanent and she is scared. You have 2 options. 1/ carry on with plans to marry controlling douchebag and allow her to live with her dad. 2/ decide you love your daughter more, boot fiancé out if the house and give her her safe space back. Why do you feel the need to get married anyway?

@Bigglebiggle i don’t think you will get any court to rule in your favour to return her . She is old enough to have a voice now.

I think you misunderstood. I agree with you.

OP. IS absolutely allowed a relationship. It sounds like she’s had some relationships where the daughter did not object. It sounds like the father has a new partner and is even married, and the daughter does not object she objects to this specific man. She feels scared and threatened with the way that he interacts with her and OP. Her reaction may very well be OTT. But….. if this specific person is the problem, then maybe you need to look at that person. Because it doesn’t sound like the daughter has had this issue with all relationships- just this one.

I think I would say the same thing to a father, whose child was reacting this way. Mom is allowed to have relationships. It sounds like she has had several that were not an issue. So the generic being involved with a man is not a problem. The problem is with this specific man and the way he specifically deals with OP‘s daughter.

except the whole reason having a man move in when you don't know him that well is different is because men are far riskier to have around than women. that isn't women hating. op hasn't clarified how long they were together when he met her kids or moved in, or how long the others were around before they met the kids or how many of them moved in. it's also the child's primary home which makes a big difference. if Dad split up with new partner and started moving women in and out, I'd feel exactly the same but without the higher risks of child abuse.

Exactly this - your poor DD.

Centres women. 🤣

Would you say Reform "centre British people" then.

except the whole reason having a man move in when you don't know him that well.

I'd have assumed the OP knows the man she's going to marry quite well. 🤣

If you haven’t seen it truly (and this seems potentially not honest), it sounds like a safeguarding issue has been presented so you can’t just remove her. You can request to see the court paperwork though and go from there. It sounds like she has raised more serious child welfare concerns. Frankly, if this was my child, I would accept her wishes and let her go. The more you fight against it, the more she will dig her heels in and tell lies. She’s old enough to choose where she wants to live and if her dad wants to take her, and you don’t have any safeguarding issues about him caring for her, I think you should respect her wishes, let her go and work on rebuilding your relationship.