AIBU to object to my 13-year-old daughter moving in with her dad?

[Bigglebiggle]

Have a DD age 13, for the last 10 years she has lived with me primarily and stayed with dad every other weekend and through the holidays. There has been periods in the past she has said she does not like dads and did not want to go, however I have always encouraged this.

I have been with my partner for 3 years, due to get married next year and ever since the engagement DD has been trying to split us up. Recently she has told her dad and school information that is not true, leading to the welfare officer being involved. She does not like my partner as she feels he is strict on her, however he asks her to do what most 13 year olds do, tidy her room, help with chores etc.

DD has informed us and her school she wants to live with dad, however I know this is just a phase and informed her and her dad this is not going to happen, I dont want my child living away from me. Today I have got a call from the school to say DDs dad has picked her up and taken out a court order, im at a loss of what to do, im heart broken.

AIBU to think he is just being over the top and to go to their his house to demand her back?

I'm really sorry this happened and it's very painful; to have s child caught in the crossfire..
I'm afraid she's growing up and becoming headstrong. Its so difficult to navigate. Please seek help for this or mediation.. lest you go mad- like nearly did in your situation. When a Dad and Daughter join forces there's not a lot you can do. To force her to come back ??????? Better cut her some slack and be with Dad. She will be back to visit but our children are not possessions and it's the hardest part: Letting them go , keep your Dignity and just take one day at a time. Do your best , have a good weep because they always want to break free just when they're getting interesting.Love has a price , and that price is Pain when you're apart. Give her your good wishes and keep her Room cosy for when she visits. Or comes back.I ve been through exact thing, don't let them see you cry, although you want to cry every day because you love her. Pretend you're OK with things. Get the garden lovely for You to enjoy this Summer!!!

are You in the uk? Sadly there isn’t much you can do at the age of 13. Also the more you push the more you will push her away x

Your partner should not be telling your daughter what to do. She is your daughter if you can’t get her to do these things it a mother and daughter problem.

The fact she hasn’t had issues with any other of your partners rings alarm bells for me to be honest. Maybe there another reason that’s not the wedding that you don’t want to consider?

I'd be worried something more is going on that she isn't saying. It's a strong reaction. She said she felt scared. Take her out for a day or weekend and really listen to her. Let her know it's safe to talk and you won't dismiss her feelings.

🫢. In a nicer way, your child doesn’t like your partner, please prioritise her.

My DD chose to go live with her Dad in another country. She was always online gaming here in the UK and didnt have many friends. She is thriving over there now with a great social life and so much happier with a lovely group of friends and living the life I wanted her to have. Sometimes.a change is what they need. I believe parents should put their children's wellbeing and mental health before their own and I don't regret the decision at all. I miss her like mad, but she calls all the time and talks to me more now then ever before. I might be sad some days when I miss her, but knowing how much happier she is ultimately makes me happy.

Jesus Christ is OP not allowed a relationship? They have been together three years! This is not a flash in the pan or the latest in a series of casual shags and men coming and going.

OP, if you can be absolutely sure your DD isn’t justified in her dislike of your partner, then ignore the advice on here and don’t split up your relationship on the whims of a child who I’m sure would love to have you all to herself and is trying to manipulate the situation. What happens when she doesn’t like her dad’s partner, if/when he has one? She doesn’t like the boundaries and is spitting the dummy out.

First of all, he might have told the school he has a court order but have they actually seen it? I would have thought they would have to ‘serve’ it to you before it could be enacted, unless a copy is on its way to you. You need to get legal advice urgently.
It’s true that the courts are highly likely to allow her to stay, at her age, if that’s what she wants. All you can do is let her know how loved she is and how much you want her home. If it doesn’t go your way, push for a high level of contact.
But would I fuck be ending a long term committed relationship because a stroppy teen doesn’t like being told no.

YABU. My dsd did exactly thus. she was very unhappy at mums as mums boyfriend was not kind to her and both put their joint children first. Theres more...

Mum kicked off but there was nothing she could do, children are not possessions. She has lived with us for 6 years now and thrived. There are rules here too but we listen to her and respect her feelings. and dont use her as free childcare
She does have a relationship with mum, just not close. Thats ok, dsd has been allowed to express herself and develop into a kid we're all proud of.
Respect your DD's decision and perhaps counselling? DSD had a counsellor to help her talk through things, her mum chose not to attend joint sessions but maybe thats something you can look into?

Finally someone with a bit of common sense.
As usual, mumsnet showing they actually hate women and hold them to different standards than men

Usually you would have got notice of the court legal proceedings so im guessing it was some emergency order - in which case evidence would have been provided along with taking into account the childs wishes. At age 13 the voice of the child is very prominent in child hearings. If she wants to live with her dad and says she is scared of your partner there is not a lot you can do. Your partner should have made an effort at building a relationship with her rather than telling her off all the time if he wanted things to work out. I think at this stage there isnt a lot you can do if you want to remain with your partner and marry him other than seek a court order for contact arrangements.

I wouldnt go around to his demanding her back, firstly, you need to find out what the court order says. But also you bring her back against her wishes, isnt going to be good for the relationship, she wont suddenly be like this is fine, it will likely cause a lot of issues. I was the child, around that age that went to live with my dad, for very similar reasons and my mother kicked off massively about it. She may feel once she is living with her dad she may be able to talk more openly to you about why she struggles living with your partner, it can be very difficult to do that, when she's still living under the roof with them. The best thing you can probably do is let her but keep the lines of communication open.

Why do you need to live with someone and marry them? FFS.

Your DD will be 18 in 5 years. If you prioritise a man over her, don't expect her to prioritise you ever again. You broke the parent child bond: children come first. It's unconditional but you put conditions on it, you said my happiness is more important than yours.

Of course she's acting out. She hates you because you made her feel worthless.

Hold back on the wedding. If he really loves you, he'll wait for 5 years. What's the rush? Is your DD your priority or is your love life?

You've known him 3 years and you sacrifice your own baby for a man? To me that's just utterly weird. I couldn't do it. I'm not desperate, I don't need a man in my life to be happy. I love my kids. They will always be number one.

And you say you're heart broken.

did you think about her heart?

Dear Lord!
Have I read this right? You have moved a succession of different men into your daughter's home over the years since you and her DF split up?
No wonder she doesn't want yet another one moving in and taking over. Perhapsnow would be a good time to think about putting your daughter first for a change.

Your daughter has been telling you you need to choose between her and him for quite a while now, and you consistently refuse to choose her. I don’t think you have any say if Dad has gotten a court order. Unfortunately, your daughter is not willing to live with your partner. She is saying she does not feel safe and she is willing to uproot her entire life to not be exposed to him. That’s a fairly dramatic statement. Kids can be dramatic-and God knows 13-year-olds can be unreasonable. I’ve had them myself so I do know. But you have to decide which one you want in your life because your daughter right right or wrong is saying that it cannot be both. And if you want to marry him and you want him to be in your life, then she will not be in your life. Bottom line if Dad is willing to take her and that’s where she and Dad wanna go because she does not like the environment at your house and does not feel safe…. I think you will lose custody. Ridiculous or not that’s where you are. She has options. She doesn’t have to live with and put up with your partner.

I think her dad should let her live with him and keep her from you because clearly you’re a safeguarding issue regaurding you and the man you’re with. Seems like you care more about the man you are with more than your child’s safety/concerns…

I've never been on this situation so maybe I'm being extremely naive but ... What type of parent has a partner move in that a child dislikes so much? How do you get to that?

She's getting into trouble, behaving erratically, including living school and says she's scared! Why are you marrying him? I'd be worrying about why my child hates them so much.

Speaking from heart wrenching experience, listen to your daughter. Do not prioritise a man over your her. Something feels very off here. Research consistently shows that children living with a stepfather are at a significantly higher statistical risk for abuse. I’ll just leave that thought there.

Or your man is actually the problem and you need to get your priorities sorted

I imagine that she does by now, yes, given that she made and (seemingly) left the thread yesterday.

The daughter has no history of hostility towards her stepmother, or towards her mother’s previous partners. She doesn’t like this particular man, and since he’s been in her life her behaviour has spiraled, which is something that can indicate her being a victim of abuse. She has indeed outright accused him of abuse, and outside agencies are now involved. This is a situation where her father absolutely could have obtained an emergency order.

It suits OP to present this as just a lying girl throwing a tantrum, but the reality may indeed be very different (and tbh I suspect it is).

Your daughter is only 13 years old and you are putting another man before her. Get rid of him and show your daughter some love and care. There is absolutely no way I would put my boyfriend first. Have you ever considered that the stories she told school may at the least have some truth to them? Even if she is making them up, that is concerning in itself. Bless her she sounds very unhappy.

You're right and if this is the case I doubt we will hear about it. If he did manage to get an ex parte hearing and order there's a lot more to this than we've been told.

I highly doubt she has 'always come first' when you mention having brought multiple men into her life in the past and now this one. You've only been with him 3 years and he's telling her what to do? He has no business doing that when she has a dad of her own. Tell him to butt out. He didn't raise her. He came along too late into her childhood to develop a relationship where he's a parental figure to her. Tell him to step back into his place. Let her go and live with her dad if she wants to, you don't own her. She's as much his as she is yours and she wants to live with him.
On the court order, you won't have heard about it through the school. You would've had to attend a court hearing if you had lost custody of your own child. Schools don't just ring up to let you know here by the way you're not getting your child back.

So she really doesn’t like this guy then. I feel really sorry for her, I was in the same position at her ages with a step dad telling me what to do and I couldn’t bear it I was so unhappy, it’s a weird relationship between a teenage girl and a step dad who is trying to parent her I don’t know why but it was horrible for me. I had a mum and a dad and I didn’t want this man telling me what to do. I also liked my dad’s wife as she didn’t do this and let my dad parent me. Listen to your daughter before you lose her. I don’t have the best relationship with my mum now and it all stems back to my teenage years and this situation