Page 21 | AIBU to object to my 13-year-old daughter moving in with her dad?

SleepingStandingUp · Yesterday 12:46

Glowingup · Yesterday 11:27

No but many of them have dreadful relationships with their parents with frequent nasty rows, swearing, violence etc. So kids in nuclear families aren’t necessarily happier or immune from going off the rails.

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of course they're not.kid

but is your logic " kids in nuclear families have to endure shitty family situations so that's the bar?"

if you live in a shit situation and you have an option to not live in a shit situation, would you stay just cos other people have to put up with it?

Rosesandthorns66 · Yesterday 12:55

Beigepjs · Yesterday 06:04

Children crave a calm stable environment.
Inconvenient but true.
Divorced parents parading endless partners through their home doesn't provide a stable safe emotionally space for them.

Children are inherently naturally quite selfish.
They want to live their little lives whilst we focus on loving them, providing them with wamth, support and comfort.
Our emotional needs are not their concern, nor should they be.

This is difficult for parents who are driven by their own needs ahead of their children.
Parents that are more focused on their wants and desires than their children, and feel they are "entitled to be happy too".

I disagree that a parents happiness comes ahead of their childrens.
Once you make the decision to bring children into this world, you are committed to putting their happiness and security ahead of your own.

I know that in divorce, many men do not do this, moving on very quickly to a new partner.
But I hold mothers to a higher standar((d as do most mothers themselves.
They know this is not in their childrens long-term best interests.

I know this because I have female widowed friends, that despite meeting a new partner didn't blend families, didn't move men in, nor entertain selling the family home.

Their childrens stability was their number one priority, above everything.

Children can and do survive losing a parent to death or divorce.
But multiple relationships foisted on them does not foster stability.

Women I know have "together but apart" relationships, and their children grew into secure happy adults despite losing a beloved father, or divorce.

Definitely there is sacrifice involved, but sacrifice is a part of raising children.

In my early 20's I shared a great house in a fabulous urban setting. We had periodic new roommates moving in and out. It was a great time, but every new person changed the dynamic and mixed things up, some better than others, but always different.

I cannot imagine how difficult it must be for a child to experience this in their homes they have to share with one parent, or going between homes.
Having no right of say.
It certainly must be very unsettling.

It is the very opposite of a calm, predictable environment.

I appreciate this triggers posters who feel entitled to move on to a new relationship.
But the lived truth for many children is it is really not great and it spoils their childhood.

Having children is a huge commitment and sometimes the right thing to do is hard, putting their needs ahead of your own.

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This is well said....

SandyHappy · Yesterday 12:55

Glowingup · Yesterday 12:30

I’m sure 😂 Maybe the dad is one of those magical dads who does all the parenting and doesn’t delegate it at all to his wife/partner. Although if he was like that, I’d have expected them to have had a 50/50 arrangement by now. My guess is the DD will get a bit of a reality check when she moves in but she will know the dad wouldn’t break up his marriage for her or listen to her chat shit about her stepmum so she has to like it or lump it. I also suspect the dad will get a reality check and that in about a year or so he will say she really has to move back to mum as she’s such a bad influence on his younger kids or something. But at the moment it suits him to be the wonderful saviour.

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It sounds like you're projecting to be fair.

I know someone in a situation similar to OP, she has always been her child's friend, but never really set boundaries in terms of expectations and behaviour, always wanted to be 'good cop'. Of course, that leads to problems later on as the child appears to have no respect for their mum's authority. For all we know it may have been a parenting missmatch that broke OP up from her daughters dad, I know separated parents where the children act completely differently for each one.. the ones with no boundaries or routines seem to struggle more with authority for sure.

.. enter a step parent, who disagrees with OPs lax parenting and tries to enforce behaviour expectations and boundaries himself, keep a clean bedroom, tidy up after yourself, do chores etc, that's all fine, but punishing the child and shouting all the time, arguing with your girlfriend about how she parents is massively overstepping. If he doesn't like how she parents he shouldn't be moving in and getting married, OP should be protecting her daughter from that dynamic and the child shouldn't have to be punished because her mum is desperate to have a bloke around.

WhatHappenedToYourFurnitureCuz · Yesterday 13:11

I also think there's a lot of projecting going on.

And even if the OP's daughter is a horrible brat (which there is no evidence of), she still doesn't deserve to have to live with an unrelated man.

InterIgnis · Yesterday 13:29

Glowingup · Yesterday 12:30

I’m sure 😂 Maybe the dad is one of those magical dads who does all the parenting and doesn’t delegate it at all to his wife/partner. Although if he was like that, I’d have expected them to have had a 50/50 arrangement by now. My guess is the DD will get a bit of a reality check when she moves in but she will know the dad wouldn’t break up his marriage for her or listen to her chat shit about her stepmum so she has to like it or lump it. I also suspect the dad will get a reality check and that in about a year or so he will say she really has to move back to mum as she’s such a bad influence on his younger kids or something. But at the moment it suits him to be the wonderful saviour.

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Or while her father may not be perfect, living with him is preferable to living with the partner OP has moved in. She is by no means guaranteed to ‘chat shit’ in a home she feels safe in, with a stepparent she has a good relationship with.

That the father was able to get an order ex parte speaks volumes. They aren’t just handed out, which means the court has very real concerns about the daughter’s safety around the partner.

I’m sure it’s satisfying to think that the daughter is the problem here, and OO can get all she wants without having to choose between her partner and having a good relationship/ a relationship at all with her child, but that doesn’t necessarily reflect the reality OP is actually facing here.

Glowingup · Yesterday 13:30

SandyHappy · Yesterday 12:55

It sounds like you're projecting to be fair.

I know someone in a situation similar to OP, she has always been her child's friend, but never really set boundaries in terms of expectations and behaviour, always wanted to be 'good cop'. Of course, that leads to problems later on as the child appears to have no respect for their mum's authority. For all we know it may have been a parenting missmatch that broke OP up from her daughters dad, I know separated parents where the children act completely differently for each one.. the ones with no boundaries or routines seem to struggle more with authority for sure.

.. enter a step parent, who disagrees with OPs lax parenting and tries to enforce behaviour expectations and boundaries himself, keep a clean bedroom, tidy up after yourself, do chores etc, that's all fine, but punishing the child and shouting all the time, arguing with your girlfriend about how she parents is massively overstepping. If he doesn't like how she parents he shouldn't be moving in and getting married, OP should be protecting her daughter from that dynamic and the child shouldn't have to be punished because her mum is desperate to have a bloke around.

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Lol I don’t think I’m the one projecting to be fair. Just find it interesting that the OP has done the lions share of parenting over the years and now Mr Wonderful dad swoops in, collects the child from school and applies for a court order rather than trying to resolve things with the OP or even communicating this to her himself. I’ve seen too many of those dads in my time I guess. Anyway, time will tell but I don’t think the grass will be greener. I’d still let her go if I was OP and say that the door is open to come back if she wants to.

Glowingup · Yesterday 13:35

InterIgnis · Yesterday 13:29

Or while her father may not be perfect, living with him is preferable to living with the partner OP has moved in. She is by no means guaranteed to ‘chat shit’ in a home she feels safe in, with a stepparent she has a good relationship with.

That the father was able to get an order ex parte speaks volumes. They aren’t just handed out, which means the court has very real concerns about the daughter’s safety around the partner.

I’m sure it’s satisfying to think that the daughter is the problem here, and OO can get all she wants without having to choose between her partner and having a good relationship/ a relationship at all with her child, but that doesn’t necessarily reflect the reality OP is actually facing here.

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Do we actually think he got an ex parte order though? Because I don’t and it wouldn’t be in force until served on the OP in any event. More likely he made an application and that’s it. If he did get an ex parte order it would likely be due to things that would require social services or police to make contact with the OP at some point as she has other children, so I am sure she will find out soon. But you don’t get ex parte orders because mums fiance asks you to tidy your room.

AprilMizzel · Yesterday 13:51

Bigglebiggle · 11/06/2026 15:32

All my life she has come first, perhaps too much as ive always done everything for her and always tried to understand her instead of giving consequences for any mis behaviour, because of this she is now acting out at school, stealing and constantly getting into trouble. I love her to bits but my failings as a mother in her early years have now led to her being entitled. This is nothing to do with my other children.

She doesn't sound entitled more upset TBH.

If she so out of control would a move to her Dad - with Step Mum and settled family really be so bad for her - new rules she has to follow and someone else to enforce punishments when she's getting in trouble - could be a chance to reset your relationship with her - build the loving bond back up instead of having to instil discpline all the time.

For some reaon there is an issue with this partner and her living under the same roof - if she goes to live with her dad give time and space to work past what ever is going on.

If you fight it then I think you are burning more bridges. She may as PP have said go to her Dad realise it's not great and end up coming back -- if you stop her she's more likely to dig her heels in and stay even if she really like to come back.

ThatCyanCat · Yesterday 13:56

Even if she is entitled and just a brat (which I don't believe)... she's a child. She has very few choices available to her and can't be expected to have the same emotional maturity as an adult, especially when the adults around her aren't modelling it. People so often expect children to have more maturity, selflessness and understanding than the adults around them.

InterIgnis · Yesterday 13:59

Glowingup · Yesterday 13:35

Do we actually think he got an ex parte order though? Because I don’t and it wouldn’t be in force until served on the OP in any event. More likely he made an application and that’s it. If he did get an ex parte order it would likely be due to things that would require social services or police to make contact with the OP at some point as she has other children, so I am sure she will find out soon. But you don’t get ex parte orders because mums fiance asks you to tidy your room.

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“Today I have got a call from the school to say DDs dad has picked her up and taken out a court order“

That would rather suggest it’s been issued.

“Recently she has told her dad and school information that is not true, leading to the welfare officer being involved”

There are very obviously ongoing concerns relating to the family situation, and social
services will be involved.

And no, you don’t get this level of intervention because mum’s fiancé asks you to tidy your room. This points to OP perhaps not being the most reliable to narrators.

Glowingup · Yesterday 14:13

InterIgnis · Yesterday 13:59

“Today I have got a call from the school to say DDs dad has picked her up and taken out a court order“

That would rather suggest it’s been issued.

“Recently she has told her dad and school information that is not true, leading to the welfare officer being involved”

There are very obviously ongoing concerns relating to the family situation, and social
services will be involved.

And no, you don’t get this level of intervention because mum’s fiancé asks you to tidy your room. This points to OP perhaps not being the most reliable to narrators.

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Well if there is an ex parte order then the OP will find out fairly soon.

Girliefriendlikespuppies · Yesterday 14:34

Yeah I’d pick my dd over a man any day.

PrueRamsay · Yesterday 15:06

Yeah I am pretty concerned about the things the DD has said that OP alleges are untrue. There is clearly sufficient concern for the child’s NRP to get a court order for her protection…

BudgetBuster · Yesterday 17:56

PrueRamsay · Yesterday 15:06

Yeah I am pretty concerned about the things the DD has said that OP alleges are untrue. There is clearly sufficient concern for the child’s NRP to get a court order for her protection…

Exactly.
Even if the daughter was making things up to cause trouble... something isn't right in her life. And that needs to be the priority now.

Jumpers4goalposts · Yesterday 17:58

I’d say this is a massive red flag for the man you are with. Something is going on if she’s been fine with other relationships and with her DF’s relationship. It does seem like you aren’t listening to her. I think she would be better off with her DF for the time being, decisions need to be made on what’s best for the child not what you want.

springvegetables · Yesterday 18:03

I’d be doing a Clare’s Law and believing my daughter. Why is your boyfriend parenting your daughter????

Bluestar1971 · Yesterday 18:04

Don't create an argument in front of your daughter. It will count against you in the long run. Calmly contact her dad and ask to talk about things. If you can't negotiate a solution you may need to get a solicitor and go to court. However at 13, your DD"s views will hold significant weight

jdb9803 · Yesterday 18:05

Bigglebiggle · 11/06/2026 13:32

She has lived with a couple over the years, her dad is married with another child and she has no problem with their relationship. She hasn't had problems with any of my previous relationships either, it seems to be the marriage she is having problems with. I have explained to her it won't change anything from what it is now.

She's been fine with all of your previous boyfriends, just not this one.
Your ex has managed to get a court order based on info that your daughter is at risk with you.
Your boyfriend has done a lot more than tell your daughter to clean her room - if you choose him over her then you deserve everything that is coming

viking11 · Yesterday 18:05

OP i hope you understand the advice. It is not peronal, but would welcome ti hear your views.

SisterMidnight77 · Yesterday 18:22

Kick the boyfriend out.

riceuten · Yesterday 18:38

I suspect this "court order" doesn't exist

Pigeonatthewheel · Yesterday 18:53

SandyHappy · Yesterday 11:16

probably not, if she doesn't live for any real amount of time, chances are her experience at that house are more like a guest, rather than a member of the household expected to do chores. Or maybe she does but her dad is the one parenting her appropriately and she is happy there.

The problem here is that OPs boyfriend disagrees with OPs parenting style and imposes his own strict rules and punishments for not adhering to his rules. Wrong on all levels to be honest.

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How are you jumping to him being someone who ‘imposes his own strict rules and punishments’ from the provided information that is ‘She does not like my partner as she feels he is strict on her, however he asks her to do what most 13 year olds do, tidy her room, help with chores etc’ with the factual bit being ‘he asks her to do what most 13 year olds do, tidy her room, help with chores etc’ and the word strict being a description of how the daughter feels he is. At no point in any of the OPs post is punishment mentioned. Quite possible he may have the parenting style of Gunnery Sergeant Hartman but we should go on the information provided.

Brighterhorizons2024 · Yesterday 18:56

Why is it so bad that she wants to live with her Dad? She is not your property, and she never was. Far too many people still view their children as their personal chattels. She is as much her father's daughter as she is your daughter. This ownership mentality is an absolutely crazy mentality. Let her decide. You, like every other parent, are owed nothing by your child.

grumpygrape · Yesterday 18:58

riceuten · Yesterday 18:38

I suspect this "court order" doesn't exist

I suspect terminology has been muddled and the most that has happened is father has made an application to Court for a CAO. Possibly for Live With and Spend Time With elements.

OP would have known by now if there had been an ex parte order.

LightningTree · Yesterday 19:14

My parents split up when I was 15, and I hated all my mother’s partners after that. If my Dad had been even vaguely interested in having me I would have gone like a shot. Your daughter will find it much easier to accept your ex husbands female partner(s) than your male one. You need to respect her feelings and decision.
I do hope that you can all sort it out between you and still enjoy a good relationship with DD. Are you sure that it’s not your partner trying to split you and DD up rather than the other way around?