AIBU to object to my 13-year-old daughter moving in with her dad?

[Bigglebiggle]

Have a DD age 13, for the last 10 years she has lived with me primarily and stayed with dad every other weekend and through the holidays. There has been periods in the past she has said she does not like dads and did not want to go, however I have always encouraged this.

I have been with my partner for 3 years, due to get married next year and ever since the engagement DD has been trying to split us up. Recently she has told her dad and school information that is not true, leading to the welfare officer being involved. She does not like my partner as she feels he is strict on her, however he asks her to do what most 13 year olds do, tidy her room, help with chores etc.

DD has informed us and her school she wants to live with dad, however I know this is just a phase and informed her and her dad this is not going to happen, I dont want my child living away from me. Today I have got a call from the school to say DDs dad has picked her up and taken out a court order, im at a loss of what to do, im heart broken.

AIBU to think he is just being over the top and to go to their his house to demand her back?

What's she going to do when her dad gets a partner who expects her to do chores.

What do children of parents who are married do, when there isn't another home to run too.

At her age she can make her own decisions. Whether they are the right ones who knows. Part and parcel of splitting up and having two homes In afraid that the child's living circumstances may change.

"her dad is married with another child and she has no problem with their relationship"

Perhaps she hasn't been asked to do any chores.

If men are so vilified on this site, why is there such a strong consensus saying it's fine for the child to live with her dad?

The ops not said anything to be concerned about regarding the dad. Why would anyone vilify a man with no evidence?

And why has the female OP been almost unanimously condemned by the responses?

Maybe she’ll try to pull this shit with her stepmum once she moves in but she probably won’t because she already knows her dad wouldn’t pick her. He’s happy to wade in and make court applications when it’s about his ex wife though.

probably not, if she doesn't live for any real amount of time, chances are her experience at that house are more like a guest, rather than a member of the household expected to do chores. Or maybe she does but her dad is the one parenting her appropriately and she is happy there.

The problem here is that OPs boyfriend disagrees with OPs parenting style and imposes his own strict rules and punishments for not adhering to his rules. Wrong on all levels to be honest.

What do children of parents who are married do, when there isn't another home to run too.

Well presumably children of nuclear family setups don't also have Mummy moving a revolving door of men into their homes?

The issue I think is your partner. I don’t think you need to break up with him, you just need to tell him to back off and that discipline will be done by you. I think agree this with him then sit down the 3 of you and agree to make a fresh start.

Perhaps this is the third (at least) man she’s not related to that her mum has made her share a home with and as she’s a teenager now she’s decided she doesn’t want to live with an unrelated male? Let alone one she doesn’t get on with. Fair enough if you ask me.

Maybe mum should have been a bit less keen to move in multiple men with her daughter over the years, she’s had enough.

No but many of them have dreadful relationships with their parents with frequent nasty rows, swearing, violence etc. So kids in nuclear families aren’t necessarily happier or immune from going off the rails.

Ask Galadriel. She's the one who thinks the primary concern here should be MN's supposed vilification of men 🤷‍♀️

Sure... but why should ANYONE be forced to live with yet another random man that she doesn't get on with?

Every kid can go off the rails for a number of reasons. But surely a parent should be doing everything to avoid this.. like stop thinking of your latest shag before your kids.

I don't understand your point, this isn't her dad telling her off and shouting at her. It's her mum's boyfriend.

Her mum even disagrees with him, which is why they also row about it.

You're comparing apples and oranges.

The fact the OP hasn't responded is also a little worrying tbh, hopefully everything is ok there.

Ultimately I think the majority of people are just trying to help her salvage her relationship with her child.

She can definitely still have a relationship, I don't think she should have to stay single forever but she has to make sure she is choosing the right partner and that the child is comfortable living with them.

Why isn't the partner trying to work on ways to improve his relationship with the child? If his laying down the law and interfering is pushing the child away then they should both know he needs to back off with that.

Surely he should want a good relationship with the child and also for the mum and daughter to have one too. No good, well intentioned person wants to come between their partner and their child.

I get a child might act out but this is pretty extreme for it to have gone so far as to let her dad believe he needs to take out a court order.

Thankfully my father didn't remarry until I was 18 but there was no way I could have shared MY HOME with my stepmother so I left.
I hope the daughter builds a new HOME with her father and his new family.

33% of men do not have a criminal record. This figure comes from a study that looked at men born from 1953 onwards and was looking at the data for when they were around 52. The offences will include things like minor traffic violations, not paying a TV licence, could even include being gay. In 1953 apparently almost 1% of 10 year old boys would count in this criminal stat (apparently - I’ve not further verified that one). If you are looking at figures for men in their early fifties as well, it’s not going to be a representative figure for all ages. Why would you not apply common sense to a statistic you read and ask yourself does this sound plausible! The Sarah’s law suggestion is a sensible one, to describe the OP as moving in unknown men is a bit silly (I’m sure she knows them quite well by that point).

I’m adding to the voices of those saying to listen to your daughter and prioritise her feelings here.

She needs a parent who is putting her first and that sounds like her Dad right now.

This will always stay with her - think very hard about whether you want yo permanently damage your relationship with your daughter and cause her long term emotional scars.

And maybe he dads wife won’t be trying to parent her or arguing about her and doesn’t make her feel unwelcome.

Of course she's come first all your life, you're her parent. That's exactly how it should be.

If she's never had a problem with other ex's or her dads new partner....YOUR NEW PARTNER IS THE ISSUE. Whether you believe that or not, it's true.

dear god, how many men have you moved in and out over the last decade???

maybe her step Mom is nicer to her than your current beau? and consistent, not just the newest bloke Mom has moved in.

This is also her PRIMARY home

not exactly the same situation but my nephew decided he wantged to live with his father at 13 because he gave him more money

nothing you can do especially if hes already got a court order-you can take it back to court but they will listen to what the child wants at 13 you cant demand anything

I’m sure 😂 Maybe the dad is one of those magical dads who does all the parenting and doesn’t delegate it at all to his wife/partner. Although if he was like that, I’d have expected them to have had a 50/50 arrangement by now. My guess is the DD will get a bit of a reality check when she moves in but she will know the dad wouldn’t break up his marriage for her or listen to her chat shit about her stepmum so she has to like it or lump it. I also suspect the dad will get a reality check and that in about a year or so he will say she really has to move back to mum as she’s such a bad influence on his younger kids or something. But at the moment it suits him to be the wonderful saviour.

op has mentioned that DD has been fine with the other men she's been made to live with because of ops choices. I don't think op needs to be single forever, but maybe not introducing the kids (plural, she said it's not related to her other kids) to a succession of men? and absolutely this would apply to her ex too.