AIBU to object to my 13-year-old daughter moving in with her dad?

[Bigglebiggle]

Have a DD age 13, for the last 10 years she has lived with me primarily and stayed with dad every other weekend and through the holidays. There has been periods in the past she has said she does not like dads and did not want to go, however I have always encouraged this.

I have been with my partner for 3 years, due to get married next year and ever since the engagement DD has been trying to split us up. Recently she has told her dad and school information that is not true, leading to the welfare officer being involved. She does not like my partner as she feels he is strict on her, however he asks her to do what most 13 year olds do, tidy her room, help with chores etc.

DD has informed us and her school she wants to live with dad, however I know this is just a phase and informed her and her dad this is not going to happen, I dont want my child living away from me. Today I have got a call from the school to say DDs dad has picked her up and taken out a court order, im at a loss of what to do, im heart broken.

AIBU to think he is just being over the top and to go to their his house to demand her back?

Choose your daughter

It’s a fairly established relationship. It’s very common for people who have been together three years (or shorter) to get married or have kids for instance. Most weddings I’ve been to the couple haven’t been together longer than three years. For a 13 year old, three years is a really long time. Children don’t perceive time the way adults do. It’s not the length of the relationship that is an issue - that’s something that 40 something adults project onto the child. I’ve seen someone calling a five year relationship a “new partner”. A child would never view five years as new so shows a lack of understanding.

This sounds really hard. Couple of things I would note from your posts

• you don’t get to choose how she feels, she is telling you how she feels and you just have to believe her even if it doesn’t suit what you want to hear
• in each post you are minimising problems that she is raising ‘we don’t argue that much’ well enough for you daughter to raise it at school and not want to be in her own home ‘he’s not that strict’ again he clearly is and also if question what someone who’s been in her life a couple of years has any business telling her what to do in her own home
• your mention about the stealing etc like that’s adding to the issues at home - she’s acting out because she’s unhappy, surely that’s very simple to understand
• you don’t want your daughter to move in with her dad because of how it makes you feel. Well for a start he has as much rights to have her live with him as you do and also this isn’t about what you want when you’re not willing to make any compromise. Her home has became somewhere she doesn’t want to be and you’re focusing your own daughter as being the issue here
• lastly and possibly most sadly, you are giving her a clear message that she’s not important enough. You have been with someone 3 years and their place in your life has taken precedence over the 13 years your own daughter has been there for. that’s so so sad. She will never forget this I’m afraid so have a good deep look at your choices and be rawly honest about the motivations behind them.

You’ll never get a balanced view on this on this site. My DD1 wanted me to remain single from 3yo to when she left home. That was not a reasonable request in my view. My DH is pretty strict. But he’s also a very good parent.

If she's had 'a few' partners come through her very short life, and now lives with your current, still quite new partner whom you allow to tell her off and boss her around...then no, I don't think you could be described as always having let her come first.

‘She hasn’t had a problem with my previous relationships’….

Just how many bloody men have you traipsed through her life at only 13? By 13 my children had had one. Their father. Sorry, but I think she should go and live with her father if that is what she is requesting. In a family court her wishes would be prioritised so you have to either end your relationship or you support her. She is 13, not a child, but an adolescent entering adulthood physically. Periods, hormones etc mean that she has a greater need for privacy and to feel safe than ever before. You should be able to understand this and the fact that you don’t is, frankly, shocking in it’s selfish lack of awareness of her needs. You don’t get to choose which [biologically unrelated] men are allowed into her space at that age.

Have you done the basic checks on him eg Claire's law

Great post.

Sarah's law.

I agree. I was widowed when my dds were 11 and 13. Would moving a new man and other kids into the home have been a good thing for their wellbeing? No, so I didn't do it as their well being is important to me. No regrets. They are doing well and we have a good relationship.
If OP's next marriage doesn't work out, (60-67% of second marriages don't) I wonder if she will feel it was worth her dd moving out for.

Choose your daughter over the man. Always.

Why is your partner telling your daughter what to do? He should be leaving that to you. He sounds overbearing if he knows telling your DD off is causing issues but is continuing to do it anyway. A decent partner wouldn't try to come between a Mum and her daughter.

Your daughter has a right to feel safe and happy in her home. Your job as her mother is to facilitate that. You don’t want to help your daughter be safe and happy because you are prioritising the man in your life and your relationship with him. What you are asking people in this thread to endorse, is your ‘maternal right’ to force your daughter to stay in an environment she’s not happy in just so you can have everything your way. What kind of mother does that? She’s a human being, not an ornament in your life.

Fucking hell, poor girl. She expresses her distress and all you hear is ‘She’s trying to break us up’. LET HER GO. And know this: she’s leaving you because of YOUR choices. This your doing, not hers.

You have a choice: live with the man, or live with your daughter. Anything in between would be manipulative and abusive.

Fairly established but the daughter has been clear she isng happy.

She had her parent stogether for 3 years, this man is around 3 years, and in the intervening 7 years there were multiple other male partners moved in. I suspect 3 years might be a long relationship for the OP but really its still alot of turmoil for kids.

Please, please prioritise your child. You're setting her up for a lifetime of feeling unheard and abandoned.

No one should be parenting your child except you. Just because you love this man your dd doesn’t feel the same and why should she have to live with someone and be told what to do by a man she’s not comfortable with.
if you are happy in the relationship and want it too continue take a step back. Go back to dating and occasional sleepovers. If he genuinely loves you and your dd he will understand.
But yes your dd is old enough to chose who she lives with.

And you don’t think her change in behaviour might be because she is very unhappy? Is your bf the one saying she is entitled? You have created this situation by not listening, moving in your bf who she doesn’t like and letting him tell her what to do and interfere with your parenting. It’s not because you put her first is it?! Sounds like she is better off at her dads. You don’t get to demand anything but you could try to work on your relationship with her. I am also wondering how you can say you always put her first when there has been a string of bfs. You clearly value your relationship with the latest one over the happiness of your daughter.

I suggested Sarah's law way back on the thread. The OP didn't bother to be reply. There's not a chance in hell I'd move an unknown man into my house with two daughters without this check. 33% of UK men have a criminal record.

From my own childhood experience I can't even begin to tell you how wrong and damaging this outlook is.

I think it is far more likely that the OP has codependent tendancies (perhaps due to their own trauma) and is in complete denial here. Often when people are in these relationships they can't see the wood from the trees. It is only once they are out of them that the blinkers come off.

The child isn't just taking a dislike to her mum's partner for no good reason. Her parents have been split up for most of her life so it's not something like acting out because she wants them to get back together.

She's not had an issue with mum's previous partners living with them and she doesn't have an issue with the dad's partner, so much so she is choosing to live with his partner over her mum's.

Something is going on here.

"She has lived with a couple over the years".
A couple of what?
How many children do you have, op?

I'm not saying I'm necessarily right. None of us can gauge the situation from a forum post. However, this website always vilifies the man.

Teenage girls can be absolute little cows. I certainly was. I was drinking and smoking weed by 15 and absolutely hated my mum half the time despite the fact she only had my best interests at heart. I loved my dad because he let me get away with murder. I only ever argued with him when he was supporting my mum, and in retrospect he was 100% right. I'd have hated a stepdad for sure.

The dad has moved on and it's possible the only reason the daughter has no issue is because she hasn't had to live with them. If she's getting the hump about being asked to do chores by her future stepdad after running rings around her mum for years is she going to be happy with the stepmum laying down the rules when she moves in with her dad? Because with a younger child and having been with the dad much longer it's likely the stepmum will see it as 'her house' to a much greater degree than the mum's partner will.

There have been countless threads on here about spoilt daughters who've been given everything and yet tell their mums they hate them all the time, especially when asked to tidy their rooms etc. Often there's a 'Disney dad' in the background who doesn't have to do any of hard stuff - get them up in the morning and enforce homework/bedtimes etc.

Often it's all movie nights etc with the dad and we frequently see teenagers wanting to go and live with the dad because they're allowed to stay up as late as they want etc. OP could cancel her wedding and still end up with a grumpy teenager. That'd be a hard pill to swallow when daughter moves out and OP is single and lonely and her husband to be has moved on.

However, this website always vilifies the man.

First of all, it doesn't. It's just female centred, which is unusual and precisely why we attract so many angry MRA types who think a forum of mostly women is morally failing if it reflects its demographic rather than acting like the Old Bailey. There are very few places like this, so they come here. (If you want to fight sexism, start with the manosphere. It's bigger and it's worse.)

Secondly, and more importantly though, this is an absolutely shitty premise to start from when looking at this situation. You demonstrate that your priority is not the security, safety or wellbeing of either the child or OP, but whether or not men in general are coddled enough in a female centred space. The child is being forced to live with an unrelated man whom she has demonstrated she is unhappy with, and would rather live with her father and his other family than be subjected to that, and your first and primary thought is "well what about men on MN, they're such victims"?

You say you were a shit as a teen, ok I believe you, but that's just as irrelevant as your overarching priority being women coddling men on MN. It really doesn't matter that a largely female forum centres women or that you were an arse as a teen. Try looking at something other than women prioritising men, and yourself.

That's really interesting, I don't think I've been to a wedding where they've been dating less than 3 years. I've been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years now and it still feels too soon for me to move in together and neither of us have kids.

I don't think it's a case of vilifying the man, it should 100% raise the same concerns despite the sex of the partner.

I know men and women who have had awful stepmothers.

A very close relative and another friend of mine also grew up with "Disney dads" whilst their mothers struggled alone doing all the hard work and taking the emotional backlash and brunt of everything with very little thanks or appreciation in those days.

I still think there is more to this than the OP is letting on.

She doesn't have to immediately end her relationship but she should be taking her daughter's feelings/concerns seriously and taking the necessary steps to get to the bottom of it.

If that means her relationship takes a bit of a step back for a while then so be it, her partner should completely understand and she won't have to live with regrets that she never stood by her child and should have taken her distress/trauma seriously.

If it turns out that the daughter is just going through a difficult phase (which could still be because her emotional needs aren't being met at home) then at least the mum can know she did everything she could to ensure her child's safety and repair her relationship with her.

jesus op - chose your daughter not a man!