AIBU to object to my 13-year-old daughter moving in with her dad?

[Bigglebiggle]

Have a DD age 13, for the last 10 years she has lived with me primarily and stayed with dad every other weekend and through the holidays. There has been periods in the past she has said she does not like dads and did not want to go, however I have always encouraged this.

I have been with my partner for 3 years, due to get married next year and ever since the engagement DD has been trying to split us up. Recently she has told her dad and school information that is not true, leading to the welfare officer being involved. She does not like my partner as she feels he is strict on her, however he asks her to do what most 13 year olds do, tidy her room, help with chores etc.

DD has informed us and her school she wants to live with dad, however I know this is just a phase and informed her and her dad this is not going to happen, I dont want my child living away from me. Today I have got a call from the school to say DDs dad has picked her up and taken out a court order, im at a loss of what to do, im heart broken.

AIBU to think he is just being over the top and to go to their his house to demand her back?

A procession of men through a revolving door leaving at least one more child behind?
No wonder she wants to live with her dad and his wife.

Why some women can’t be content just to be a mum is beyond me.
The constant need for a man must be exhausting for the poor kids who have to live with this.
Well done to your daughter’s dad who has stepped up to the mark.
It’s nice to read about one who has done absolutely the right thing by his daughter-and the courts support him.
I hope you can afford to pay him a reasonable ammount of child maintenance-13 year old girls are expensive!

I would let her go, I suspect she gets less discipline at dad's; make sure you have the same access her dad currently has, ie weekends and holidays. It's easy to lighten up on day to day discipline when your child is packed off back to mums at the end of the weekend. I think her dad will clamp down once he has her full time and she'll soon realise the grass isn't necessarily greener. Let her know you love her, will miss her and you really dont want her to go but you respect her decision and that she will always have a home with you.

It's not surprising your D D is not pleased about being told what to do by your partner. He isn't her parent. Stop him interfering in this way and hopefully your DD will be happier.

I get it, being a single parent is lonely and hard at times. A man showing an jnterest and promise of a new life is attractive. But your kids always must come first. Even if it feels unfair...ykur DD may have ligitimate reasons to dislike this man...or maybe she needs your focus at this difficult stage of her life. I made the decision not to pursue a relationship while my kids were teens (extreme probably!) ..i didnt regret it...in fact 10 years later i have not the time or interest!
Get to the bottom of her concerns, show her she is more important show her she is your priority and I bet you will see a change in her. Of you really want to keep the relationship, could you date? Stay at his home when she is with her dad? Judging by some of your comments he is already showing red flags.

just listen to yourself!!
Are you seriously planning to force your daughter to come back?
Does your lover live with you? I hope not.
Cancel the wedding.
Anything else is madness!

She does not like my partner as she feels he is strict on her, however he asks her to do what most 13 year olds do, tidy her room, help with chores etc

He's not her parent, you are. He shouldn't be telling her what to do. That's your job. It's not surprising she resents some johnny come lately giving her orders.

Why do you keep moving men into your home? Surely after she has already had to adjust to a couple of men you might think twice against making her go through this over and over.

Her being OK with the past men and her dad's partner, isn't exactly an argument in your favour here.

It's not his place to disapline her. It is already a big ask to expect her to live with yet another man, but to let him start making the orders is overstepping. If he don't like how she is and how you disapline, then this isn't the relationship for him. It must be awful for her to listen to you both arguing about her behaviour, dreadful. I'm guessing he is the 1 complaining about her behaviour and you are trying to defend, as if it was the other way around she wouldn't want to be getting rid of him.

Her feelings have probably got worse since the proposal as she starts to worry living with this guy won't be a temporary thing like the others. You say things won't change after marriage. Firstly she doesn't like how things are now, so how does that help. Secondly, how do you know they won't change? He is already telling her off and arguing with you about her behaviour. How do you know it won't escalate when he feels he got his feet permanently under the table. You can't promise her that.

Shouldn't have moved him in after she has had to put up with multiple men before. She has put up with enough. You failed to put her 1st. Let the dad have a chance to do better. At least then she will have the experience of both households and know which 1 makes her happier. Her behaviour might improve if her home life improves too

You have to abide by the court order. Let her go. She is at an age where the court will let her decide where she wants to live. She is going to have to abide by the rules and conditions at her dad's home. Right now she's just an occasional visitor there. Give it a chance to play out.

I agree. She is a weekend visitor at dads. Just wait until she has rules there.

Why not just accept it? You'll still see her, she will visit and it's likely she will want to come back but, for now, let her go. It won't hurt to have a break from each other.

If Dad applied to the Family Court for a Child Arrangement Order you would have been involved and attended a court hearing plus a court social worker CAFCASS would have interviewed your daughter and made a report for the final hearing. You would know the outcome directly from court not school so what happened here? This can't be done any other way if you are in UK.

You seem to be having a lot of relationships. I don’t think that’s a good idea as your daughter is so young and the relationship with her would be the priority.

It appears your daughter is unhappy and has had to make this decision of going to her dads.

She has been living with you so it must have been hard but she must have felt she has no choice because you are not listening to her.
You have said in your first introduction post,
"AIBU to think he is just being over the top and to go to their his house to demand her back?"

This makes me think do you also demand that she listens to you and your partner in your house.

If you don't want to lose your relationship with your daughter, I do believe you will have to prioritise your daughter and listen to how she is feeling and what she wants.
You say you are heartbroken then....
I think your partner will have to move out and your daughter needs to be your priority.
You need to show her you love her and are willing to listen to her and put her first.
Please, mend your relationship with your child.
Your partner needs to step back and let you prioritise your relationship with your daughter.
Also, he shouldn't be telling your daughter, what to do.

I hope you manage to sort everything out, by listening to your daughter and realising this situation is making her unhappy.

Is this a wind up? Probably best she goes to live with her dad because you seem to be prioritising your own relationship with your partner over the one with your daughter. Poor kid.

Why some women can’t be content just to be a mum is beyond me.

And there we have it. You are supposed to be celibate once you’ve served your purpose of reproducing and if your marriage doesn’t work out.

Children crave a calm stable environment.
Inconvenient but true.
Divorced parents parading endless partners through their home doesn't provide a stable safe emotionally space for them.

Children are inherently naturally quite selfish.
They want to live their little lives whilst we focus on loving them, providing them with wamth, support and comfort.
Our emotional needs are not their concern, nor should they be.

This is difficult for parents who are driven by their own needs ahead of their children.
Parents that are more focused on their wants and desires than their children, and feel they are "entitled to be happy too".

I disagree that a parents happiness comes ahead of their childrens.
Once you make the decision to bring children into this world, you are committed to putting their happiness and security ahead of your own.

I know that in divorce, many men do not do this, moving on very quickly to a new partner.
But I hold mothers to a higher standar((d as do most mothers themselves.
They know this is not in their childrens long-term best interests.

I know this because I have female widowed friends, that despite meeting a new partner didn't blend families, didn't move men in, nor entertain selling the family home.

Their childrens stability was their number one priority, above everything.

Children can and do survive losing a parent to death or divorce.
But multiple relationships foisted on them does not foster stability.

Women I know have "together but apart" relationships, and their children grew into secure happy adults despite losing a beloved father, or divorce.

Definitely there is sacrifice involved, but sacrifice is a part of raising children.

In my early 20's I shared a great house in a fabulous urban setting. We had periodic new roommates moving in and out. It was a great time, but every new person changed the dynamic and mixed things up, some better than others, but always different.

I cannot imagine how difficult it must be for a child to experience this in their homes they have to share with one parent, or going between homes.
Having no right of say.
It certainly must be very unsettling.

It is the very opposite of a calm, predictable environment.

I appreciate this triggers posters who feel entitled to move on to a new relationship.
But the lived truth for many children is it is really not great and it spoils their childhood.

Having children is a huge commitment and sometimes the right thing to do is hard, putting their needs ahead of your own.

Who said anything about being celibate? shag all you want just dont move them in, and yes this should incude fathers as well

Do those that think you can't have a partner while raising children also think it's irresponsible to work while your kids are young? You defo can't give them as much focus/spend as much time with them while working.

I'd also wager that if this was a teenage boy getting into trouble and stealing etc posters would be a lot less quick to tell OP to call off her marriage for him.

Unless you run a brothel at home I am not sure going to work is the same thing as having a random bloke move in even for women who think womens only role is to care for others

Who's the random bloke? Surely not the partner who she's been with for several years who the daughter was fine with until the engagement?

Much less random than any daycare arrangement.

It’s hardly a household that’s inviting for her. She’s going through puberty and needs her mum more than ever.

The LATEST partner. Mum has has said she's had a number of partners move in during this child's short life.

3 years isn't a long time when mum has a revolving door of men in and out.

I agree. It's not all about what OP wants. Dc wellbeing matters too.

I am pretty certain that it doesn’t mean shag all you want at all. It says just be happy being a mother. And I was on another long running thread where the OP did have a FWB and was told what a shit mum she was and should put her kid first because what if the kid bumped into the FWB. Another thread recently where the OP had a boyfriend and her son came back unexpectedly and walked in on her having sex and again massive tirade about being a shit mum for having a boyfriend.

So no I do not buy that people saying this stuff think it’s fine to have sex. And also most women don’t just want casual sex with some “fuck buddy”. They want a real relationship, companionship and some of them want marriage. That doesn’t make them shit mums at all and having a stepparent doesn’t ruin a child’s life.