AIBU to object to my 13-year-old daughter moving in with her dad?

[Bigglebiggle]

Have a DD age 13, for the last 10 years she has lived with me primarily and stayed with dad every other weekend and through the holidays. There has been periods in the past she has said she does not like dads and did not want to go, however I have always encouraged this.

I have been with my partner for 3 years, due to get married next year and ever since the engagement DD has been trying to split us up. Recently she has told her dad and school information that is not true, leading to the welfare officer being involved. She does not like my partner as she feels he is strict on her, however he asks her to do what most 13 year olds do, tidy her room, help with chores etc.

DD has informed us and her school she wants to live with dad, however I know this is just a phase and informed her and her dad this is not going to happen, I dont want my child living away from me. Today I have got a call from the school to say DDs dad has picked her up and taken out a court order, im at a loss of what to do, im heart broken.

AIBU to think he is just being over the top and to go to their his house to demand her back?

The conclusion regarding him being a decent man is only to the extent that she views him as one, and that will be why she wants to marry him. People are far more likely to write about a negative experience than a positive one so I hardly think such threads ‘demonstrate’ that most men are crap.

Thankfully in the real world most people don’t think like this. It’s mainly on Mumsnet. I think it comes from people who fall into one of the following categories:
a) married and think the only correct way to bring up kids is in a nuclear biological (heterosexual) family
b) unhappily married but staying for the kids and resent anyone who gets divorced or moves on
c) divorced/separated but have made a decision not to date until their child is an adult and secretly feel resentful and unhappy about this but pretend they think it’s awesome and they are fulfilled. Occasionally try to convince themselves that it will be easy to find a nice partner in their 50s or that they can find a lovely normal guy who’s cool with “casual dating” for 15 years. Hate women who have new partners and convince themselves it’s always bad for the kids in order to justify their own choices.

Ultimately, we can never know the real situation from a forum post. Maybe the guy is an arse. Maybe he's the nicest of men and the daughter is just a difficult teen.

One of my best mates loves her stepdad dearly. However, she was an absolute bitch to him when we were at school, to the point I felt bad for him at times. She just didn't deal well with her parents splitting up but I don't think that would've been much different if her mum was lonely and miserable either.

She got over it and would absolutely agree that she wants him in her life.

It doesn't sound like she has come first if she's already lived with other partners of yours at only 13.

I don't want to go into too much detail but my mum had 2 horrendous relationships, one which lasted about 3 years and another which lasted about 8. Both were moved into the family home very quickly and in quick succession of each other from when I was about 9 years old. She was VERY vulnerable and they took advantage of this.

When I was 19 she chose to move very far away with the second one and I obviously did not want to move with them so I stayed where I grew up and had to rent an extortionate studio flat with my own salary.

A few years later he finally scared her enough that she left him for good.

It's been 15 years since they split and our relationship still isn't repaired despite her always having been absolutely full of remorse and kicking herself for the choices she made and how she didn't see how badly it was all affecting me at the time.

The damage was done, I had learnt as a child/teen that I didn't come first and my completely justified feelings/wants didn't matter.

Don't get me wrong I love her to some extent, but I don't feel like she's "my mum".

I've never had have much want to see her, I don't confide in her for anything or want to share my news, never tell her my problems or anything personal. It's a very superficial relationship despite her wanting us to be close more than anything I just don't feel that way towards her.

I have my own children now and it's just made my feelings about it all even worse to be honest.

You deserve happiness but please take her seriously and be HONEST with yourself...if you were truly happy in this relationship for all the right reasons, wouldn't she be too?

She has no reason to kick up a fuss if she's getting everything she needs from you and he's genuinely a great guy. I'd have loved a decent father figure but that wasn't what I got and maybe that's not what she is getting either.

Exactly the same with my sister. The only difference if my mum had dumped my stepdad on my sisters say so would have been that my mum would have been single and unhappy and my sister would still have been a nightmare. She’s grown up now and as I said she can’t understand why she acted how she did and she feels really bad about it now. My stepdad is and has always been a nice guy. My dad on the other hand was a total arsehole and the worst thing our mum did was choose him to be our dad but the best thing after that was to divorce him.

I think most of the good ones have probs been snapped up. It's not likely that a bloke who has it all going for him is going to want to marry some misanthropic whinger that hates men is it lol.

This hits the nail on the head. 100% right.

Even if you say no to her moving to her dad's now at 13 and you go ahead with all your wedding plans - despite the fact he's arsey, strict and intimidating to your young daughter And makes you feel as if your parenting just wasn't good enough till he came along to lay down the law, what do you think will happen next year or the year after?

Have you actually asked her why this man is different? It’s this one man your daughter doesn’t feel safe with. You need to listen.

Oh of course, the royal family, such a shining example to us all of ideal family life 😂😂😂

Stepmum much less likely to rape her.

OP seems to be ignoring ALL the red flags.

Has the OP not said that the daughter was fine until the engagement happened. Yes it’s possible the partner has changed behaviour and caused the change in the daughter’s feelings, but given the timings it would seem more likely that it’s down to the daughter’s unhappiness with the engagement.

She doesn't belong to you,she is above the age of responsibility,you have to take her wishes into account.

Poor, poor kid. I can’t imagine what it must be like to have a stream of different men in your own home . Especially one who shouts, tells you off and a mother who doesn’t stop it.
Your daughter deserves a better life . Be a better parent .

It does sound like your relationships have been a bit of a revolving door - very much a matter of one man coming in as another goes out. Have you had a good hard think about your track record and whether you and your daughter might not be better off if you concentrate on her rather than the latest man?

She tried telling you, you didn’t listen. You didn’t prioritise her. Why are you letting your bf tell her what to do! Poor kid.

at 13yo she’s allowed to choose who she lives with. You don’t have any say in that. If you’re lucky she might stay the odd weekend with you. Carry on like you are and she won’t.

of course you could try and claw your relationship with her back by booting your bf out. You have choices in this. Your current choices have had consequences.

What do you actually mean when you say ‘you always put your dd first’ op?

Because I would say that forcing her to live with an unrelated man who she hates to be somewhat removed from ‘putting her first.’

i put my kids first. That would mean never allowing an unrelated man to live in their home without their explicit consent. All of us would need to want him in the home, or he wouldn’t be in it.

you have put your dd last. You have put yourself and your desperation to have a man at any cost, first.

you say you are broken hearted. Have you given any thought to how broken hearted your dd has been for years that her own mother has put a man before her?

Is it not also possible she's just a bit of a stroppy teen who's got the hump from being asked to clean up after herself after many years of getting away with it? Some of these posts are really projecting.

Quite possibly... but her mother should be the one parenting, not her mothers latest boyfriend.

At 13 courts will take DDs preference into account.

Id feel there wasnt a safe way for her to live with you. Either there are elements of truth in her accusations, in whichcase she isnt safe around him. And if you wont prioritise her over your rship she should be at her dads.

Or shes making it up because shes unhappy and that cry for attention needs support but also DP isnt safe in the home facing accusations.

You need to listen to your DD, she wants to be at her dads. You can have what you want most, but not what you want second too. If you want to marry DP you may have to accept her living with exP

She is not a possession

As your daughter only seems to have a problem with this man. Listen to her, there may be something she's scared to tell you.

I think if you’re going to have children you should be willing to do what’s right for them. I’ve already made the decision if me and my wife ever decide to break up, I wouldn’t move anyone in to my house. My wife thinks that’s mad, and while I can’t ever imagine breaking up it makes me even more sure that I wouldn’t because I want my house to be a sanctuary. I’m not anti stepparents. My friends step dad walked her down the aisle. But I also know way more people who had rubbish experiences with a step parent. My dad was an awful stepdad to my brothers, my brother has been a terrible stepdad dad to multiple children over the years.

So yeah, I wouldn’t ever take the risk of having a step parent for my child, especially if it was a man. The risk of abuse goes up having an unrelated male in the house. I think that’s the right choice. I don’t judge people living their lives and having blended families, but I think it’s rarely in the child’s best interest

Poor girl, she probably feels like she doesn’t belong anywhere. You’ve ruined her home with your desperation to move a bloke in. Blended families rarely work. Put your daughter first and ditch the man.

You need to rethink why she’s acting out. It’s likely nothing to do with you trying to understand her in her early years and everything to do with the way you’re prioritising a man over her well-being.