AIBU to object to my 13-year-old daughter moving in with her dad?

[Bigglebiggle]

Have a DD age 13, for the last 10 years she has lived with me primarily and stayed with dad every other weekend and through the holidays. There has been periods in the past she has said she does not like dads and did not want to go, however I have always encouraged this.

I have been with my partner for 3 years, due to get married next year and ever since the engagement DD has been trying to split us up. Recently she has told her dad and school information that is not true, leading to the welfare officer being involved. She does not like my partner as she feels he is strict on her, however he asks her to do what most 13 year olds do, tidy her room, help with chores etc.

DD has informed us and her school she wants to live with dad, however I know this is just a phase and informed her and her dad this is not going to happen, I dont want my child living away from me. Today I have got a call from the school to say DDs dad has picked her up and taken out a court order, im at a loss of what to do, im heart broken.

AIBU to think he is just being over the top and to go to their his house to demand her back?

Exactly.

Your partner should not be parenting your child. My step dad never once got involved in parenting me.

Of course she should live there if she's happier. I'm just wondering what people are complaining about if they think it's so important that OP marry this prince. OP marries him, child lives elsewhere. What are they complaining about?

Do you mean disciplining? Because it would be weird if a stepparent never ever cooked for a stepchild, never gave them a lift, never offered advice or a shoulder to cry on, never lent them any money, never helped with homework or school projects. All of which are part of parenting.

Why are you choosing the man over your daughter.

My mum was a SAHM so did all that and I spent every weekend with my dad.

As I grew up yes I asked him for advice as that was my choice as we slowly built a good relationship. He now lives round the corner from me.

Women, stop bringing strange men to your home with young female teens!

I don't think OP is coming back!

Consequences don't work. But if she is behaving badly at school and stealing and in trouble, there are problems there. The answer wouldn't be consequences. If you look up "ahaparenting" you will be taken to a website (i can't remember what it is called but ahaparenting will take you there) in which a clinical psychologist gives advice on parenting based on some 60 or 70 years of bonafide research - look up "punishments" and "consequences" for 13 year olds, and it will help you find out how you can help your dd. The answer basically is both to have high expectations and to give huge amounts of support - it isn't a "soft" option.

I am another one saying you should put your dd first and ditch the relationship and tell her that is what you are going to do and tell her that you are going to give her more support with everything, and see if she wants to come home on that basis. I think that you need to find out a lot more about how she is thinking and feeling about everything including about your partner. It sounds as though a lot has gone wrong for her and there is a lot to unravel. I hope you can make it work, and it is worth starting a new thread saying "my dd is stealing.." etc and see if you can get some advice on that - there are two schools of thought on MN - one is consequnces and punishments is the way to go (this is not in accordance with research) and the other is more in accordance with research - again the latter is not the soft option and is worth looking into (ie it is the one which requires you to have high expectations but to also give a lot of support).

Ah okay. But I think it’s the discipline thing that’s an issue. Not a stepparent doing nice or caring things for their stepchild. I’ve seen posts on here from people who had a stepdad who basically never spoke to them, just ate and slept at their house and that was it. No care and no interest in their lives.

Your boyfriend needs to back off with the strict father bullshit. It's not his place. He has no right to come into her home and start thinking he's the big man of the house and can throw his weight around. Who does he think he is??
Its a huge red flag that he thinks he can come into your lives and dominate you all to the extent your daughter wants to leave.
I'm saying this as someone who had a stepdad and also my husband is my eldests stepdad, so I'm not against you moving on with your life and having partners. You need your head screwed on though because statistically bringing a stepfather into the home is the most dangerous thing you can do to a kid.

You are responsible for her. You aren't responsible for your boyfriend and you should put your child WAY ahead of him.

The way you play this now will make or break your your daughter's future attachment styles and her mental health.

There's a fair point to this. If you can choose who you live with then why can't she?

It sounds like you didn’t listen to her when she expressed her dislike of her new living arrangements. Saying you don’t want to live apart from your child is not really your choice at 13 when she has a dad and wants to be with him.
She said she’s scared, teenagers can make
stuff up and be horribly manipulative but that doesn’t mean what she’s said in that moment isn’t true. Concentrate on building a new relationship with her as it sounds like this one has broken down far enough for dad to get a court order

OP, please 'read the room'.

Go to Court and let CAFCASS, her and the Court decide what's in her best interests.

I find it strange that people are coming out with this ditch him stance (commenting here on the assumption that your daughter’s complaints are unfounded as you have suggested be the case). There are so many threads going on about how awful the stock of decent men is, yet when your daughter is acting up it’s ‘ditch him’, like you’ll find another man you love at the drop of a hat in five years time. I suspect half the Mumsnet posters don’t really love their partners (a general point not directed at the quote I replied on) as they consider them so easily replaceable. You’ve mentioned your daughter being entitled - ditching the partner to appease her will only further this.

He's not decent, though. He's imperious, scares the child and apparently isn't bothered about the child leaving the home rather than live with him, unless there's a lot of stuff OP isn't telling us.

However rare a decent man supposedly is, your children are more important anyway. We are supposed to let our kids be driven away or live in misery because we might not find a man otherwise? Seriously?

And the stuff about people only valuing and prioritising their children because they don't love their partners is actually the silliest thing I've read on here all week, and there's been some competition. Can't even get worked up over something so daft.

For 3 years - almost a quarter of her life - she’s had to live with an unrelated man whom she dislikes.

And you ask whether you are being reasonable???

Yes! Because the only proper position for a woman or girl vis-á-vis any random penis is on her knees with her mouth open.

Obviously...

At 13 she can choose where she wants to live and the Court attach significant weight to a child of that age and their views, provided they're not being influenced. Can I ask why you allow your partner to be strict on her? He's not her father.

Also, what does "taken out a court order" mean? I'm guessing that you mean he's made an application for a c100, which means there is no Court Order yet, it's merely an application.

The most bonkers TL;DR I’ve read, though one suspects not the most bonkers you’ve ever wrote

So you read thread after thread demonstrating that most men are crap, and you extrapolate that the OP's boyfriend is a decent man and her vulnerable daughter needs to put up and shut up?

Bizarre.

The thing is I doubt dumping the man is the magic bullet. She is stealing, she is getting into trouble, she is telling lies about people. As if she will turn into a sweet innocent girl as soon as her big bad stepdaddy is out of the picture. She will know that her manipulation works though and that she can get rid of people she doesn’t like. Hopefully she won’t try it on other people she dislikes, eg a teacher who dares give her a bad grade or tell her off for instance. She may well want to live with the dad anyway, even if the OP ends her relationship. I suspect because maybe there are fewer rules there or maybe she feels she can manipulate her dad more than her mum.

Clearly you are ignoring her wishes and needs and she is done with it. See what the courts say

So you don't think a stepfather/stepmother should ever be able to live in the same house as their spouse?

I dunno. It's not surprising to me that so many women stay with abusive men if the common view is that they should either just put up and shut up or alternatively be alone for the next 15 years and wait until they're 50 before finding a partner. It's a depressing outlook to me and would make me feel I'd forfeited my life.

Agreed a decent man would say that the daughters happiness is more important and suggest he moves out so that OP can rebuild their relationship.