AIBU to object to my 13-year-old daughter moving in with her dad?

[Bigglebiggle]

Have a DD age 13, for the last 10 years she has lived with me primarily and stayed with dad every other weekend and through the holidays. There has been periods in the past she has said she does not like dads and did not want to go, however I have always encouraged this.

I have been with my partner for 3 years, due to get married next year and ever since the engagement DD has been trying to split us up. Recently she has told her dad and school information that is not true, leading to the welfare officer being involved. She does not like my partner as she feels he is strict on her, however he asks her to do what most 13 year olds do, tidy her room, help with chores etc.

DD has informed us and her school she wants to live with dad, however I know this is just a phase and informed her and her dad this is not going to happen, I dont want my child living away from me. Today I have got a call from the school to say DDs dad has picked her up and taken out a court order, im at a loss of what to do, im heart broken.

AIBU to think he is just being over the top and to go to their his house to demand her back?

You cannot marry oe contue with a man your child dislikes to this degree. You are not telling the full story.

When I was a young girl I can’t think of anything that would’ve been worse, then multiple men moving in to live in my house, throughout my childhood. DD is telling u she isn’t happy, and you are not listening!

So your DD is fine with your ex’s new wife and child.

She has been fine with your past relationships.

She has repeatedly told you that your fiancé isn’t nice to her.

The natural conclusion is something isn’t okay with the way your new partner is treating your daughter. Stop blaming her for this situation and listen to what she is saying.

I would be setting up cameras.

What about your failings as a mother now?

She has no issues with your previous partners, no issues with her stepmother, no issue with siblings but has had an issue with your current partner for at least 3 years. You are lucky that she's even stayed in your home this long if she dislikes him so much.

You go ahead and prioritise yet another man (sounds like there's been quite a few in and out of her relatively short life). Apparently all her life she has come first... except the last 3 years minimum (an entire quarter of her life) where you've put a strange man ahead of her.

I hope.she is happier with her father.

I mean you can't drag her home, by age 13 she has sufficient sway in any legal intervention to be able to decide where she wants to live. I don't think objections from a child to an incoming step-parent are that unusual, I say that as someone who grew up in a blended family and I can clearly remember wanting to stand up during the wedding ceremony and make an objection to the marriage, my Grandma didn't let me. Her raising this as a safeguarding risk at school though is the extreme end of not liking someone. What you don't say is why you are so confident it's jealousy on her part and his approach to discipline, do you really know what he's like with her when you are not present? No-one has ever raised any concerns about his attitude or behaviour? You need to do a deep dive before you decide what to do.

At this age she can choose who she wants to live with. I think you should have listened to her more carefully when she expressed unhappiness about your forthcoming marriage. She shouldn't be under any obligation to live with someone taking on a parental role when they are not her parent. If she's at the point where she's making disclosures she is clearly very unhappy regardless of their accuracy. I think you've been complacent about her wishes and feelings.

That's a fair point but at some stage you'll probs want to live with your future husband.

I honestly think this would get different responses with the sexes reversed. A single mum who has got engaged to a guy she loves, over a decade after splitting from the father of her child.

However, the man's teenage daughter doesn't like her dad remarrying and tries to split them up by accusing the woman of stuff she hasn't done and getting the authorities involved.

Would people really be saying "oh yeah, he needs to get rid. Dump her and put his daughter's wishes first"?

If you truly believe its just a phase than let her move in with him for a while
Shes actively telling you shes unhappy, she is 13 you can't go round there and demand her back, regardless of what the court order says

Yes of course they bloody would. Stop with the ridiculous "reverse the sexes" stuff as if it's some kind of reasoned argument. It's not. Even if MN was hugely in favour of men remarrying when it made kids miserable because it loves stepmums so much (LOL, good one), that wouldn't change the fact that it's a terrible idea to force a child to live with an unrelated person who doesn't know their place around them.

She sounds troubled op, is anybpdy offering her any help to work through her issues?

Why does your DP tell your child what to do? Different if she'd k own him since a baby but not after 3 years. Priorities your chold.

I agree completely, @throwawayimplantchat.

It appears this 13 year old has loved with multiple men in the 10 years her parents have been seperated though (If I am understanding the OPs comments correct) so I whilst I agree moving in together eventually should be OK, maybe she's just tired of a revolving door particularly if she and this latest partner don't get along?

Presumably if her father is remarried with additional children it's a long-ish relationship.

Some would probably say that. But I think on here, people are often so sure that the child must be right. My sister was really vile to my stepdad when she was a teen but she feels really bad about it now and she doesn’t know why she did it. I also have a friend whose DD absolutely hates her husband (who is the DD’s biological dad). The DD is horrible and calls him a piece of shit and says her mum should divorce him. He’s a nice man (as was my stepdad). We can’t always listen to teenagers unless we want to end up lonely and miserable.

Your bf shouldn't be parenting your child. You should be doing the telling and disciplining. I can see why she doesnt like him. He's come into her home and he's laying down the law. She got away with things, because you allowed it, and now she doesn't. Where she lives really isn't your choice. At 13 she'll get the choice. If her dad has PR his well within his rights to get a court order. You need to decide how you are going to proceed. You also need to find our exactly what is going on with your kid.

Did you move your partner in without her being happy about it and comfortable with him? For as long as she is a child this is her home and she has no escape apart from the option she has now chosen. Therefore, if you want her to live there you also need to allow her to be comfortable.

You know better than me whether he is a bad person or not, so I’m not saying do or don’t ditch him. But I do think you need to live separately, have time with your partner if you want but don’t let him live with you - or be alone with her, especially in private - either until she expresses that she is okay with that, or until she is grown. This is for her protection and also for his.

Also, I would be really upset if a man my mother was seeing started telling me off at home, particularly if I hadn’t already built a strong trust with him in his own right. Even if he has a problem with her behaviour, and especially if you are there (which you do need to be from now on), I think it is much better that he goes through you.

How heartbroken will you be when Dd refuses to come to your wedding?

Well OP’s not listening to DD and she’s moving to her dad’s so it depends what kind of lonely OP wants.

Well all you people who think parents should run roughshod over their kids to park their partners in their homes even if the child is so miserable about it that they leave should be delighted about this situation. OP gets to marry the boyfriend who acts so imperiously towards the child who's not his daughter and fights with her mother about her, child leaves and gets to live elsewhere where she's happier. What's the problem?

I'd be extremely surprised if the problem turns out to be that you're too understanding.

My second husband didn't actually live full time with me for a couple of years, because I had a 15 year old son, who would have found it awkward, so we waited until he was about to go to university. My husband kept his own house about 50 miles away near a City, it was also good for me to stay there when we had been out to the theatre or other entertainment not available in my town. It worked out well and both my sons got on well with my husband, because they didn't feel he had been forced on them.

I used to work in a school. It’s not unusual for women to move a man in, usually with no children or ones who live with them, who start taking control of discipline in the households. You can always see how defeated these children are by it. Even if they try to get involved with what is happening in school luckily they have no authority.
I have a friend who didn’t move in with her partner for years AND her children liked him. It can be done.

The fact that her dad is now married and she never had an issue with your other boyfriends should be a massive red flag. Listen to your DD

It’s her dad, ie her other equal parent. Why shouldn’t she live there if she’s happier? Why should she necessarily live with her mum? I’d definitely let a 13 year old live with the other parent if she really wanted to. I wouldn’t reward lies to authority figures to try to get her own way.

Yes, this no one is saying be single forever. You don’t need to move a man in at once.

Carry on dating - go engaged if you want

No need to live with you both